How did you dealt with the diminishing sexual activity by the time kids got onto relation?

11 comments

1. How old are the kids?

2. One way is by having a chill sex life before, so by when the kids arrive not much changes 😀

   Jokes aside, you need to get both on the same page, and that can only be done through communication. Couples therapy can help, Individual therapy can help too.

   You may communicate that you miss what you had, and while it cannot be as it used to, you would like to work together to see what you can bring back and what not.

   Or you may want to send a letter telling her how you miss the hot times you shared, even making it a suggestion for what you would like to do. Or to propose a plan, like a night out.

   Or you could organize the night out directly.

   It is worth going there with your homework done, doing some introspection on what are the blockers that you see and what you can do. Because maybe she is up to the neck with work and the kids and the house, and keeping all alive, in which case you could increase how many tasks you take and free her. Or maybe she didn’t have time for herself, or maybe both, we can only guess based on what you mentioned.

   ​

   But yeah, there are things you can do for sure to make the idea of sex more appetizing and possible. Analyze the workload you each have and the alternatives to free time/pressure. That tends to help straight away.

   So when the time comes to talk about it, you have either already done your part, or have a plan to propose.

   In any case the conversation will need to happen. But you need to do your homework first.

3. It gets better. I promise you. 2 and 6 is hard

4. You have to plan it, make a minimum of 2 nights a week sex nights. Its a challenge but planning sex is also sexy and gives you something to look forward to and it will hopefully open up times to do it more

5. I have sex once every couple months if I’m lucky. If you’re willing to leave because of sex then maybe you should. I get it, I’m extremely sexual, but I see my wife as more than a hole. Not saying that’s how you see your wife, just an analogy.

6. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

7. Someone on r/sexover30 gave me some pretty great advice. Suggest to your spouse a traffic light style system, where by default, M-Th are red. You will still touch her and love her but there will be no expectation of sex unless the lower libido partner initiates it.

   On Friday-Sunday, however, the default expectation is green. That doesn’t mean you have to have sex. Maybe you are out late or someone is sick, etc., or you simply aren’t up for it, but then that needs to be communicated because the base assumption is things are going down.

   The point of all this is to relieve stress and pressure during the week while maintaining a loving connection, and allowing you both to prepare to get physically and mentally ready for weekend excitement. It’s not a 100% cure all. You still need to be loving, listening, communicate, etc. But it has definitely helped my relationship and boosted our sex averages.

   Also read the book Come as You Are.

8. Sex life ebbs and flows. When we were young we were like rabbits on steroids. Much of what we did was legal, but a good bit wasn’t. Then the kids came. For awhile – quite awhile sex was nonexistent. Then with time we figured out how to use what little time we had effectively and satisfactorily. Now we are older – no more kids at home. It’s just the two of us, and our sex is no longer earth shattering, because she doesn’t bend like she once did, and my back hurts so much I can hardly move for the pain. We though have found much pleasure in more gentle pursuits – we call them naked naps.

9. Well you’re not alone in this for sure. Now the outcome is definitely different between one relationship and another.
   Unfortunately for me, I went through the same situation, sex life became non-existent. I tried to initiate for years, the success factor was less than 1%. I tried open communication, explaining how essential it is for a couple to focus on their sexual life, just like nurturing a child, that worked for a few weeks and then back to square one. After years of failing trials, thing went sideways for us.
   Hopefully your situation will end up being different than mine. Good luck

10. Not sure if this would work for you but I found that non rigorous exercise followed by alone time if possible works for us. We take our little one on a walk while he is in his little car. About a mile or two round trip. When we get home we all eat and time the walk where nap time is soon after. We leave our phones in the living room to charge and chill out on the bed until we get things going. I feel like the bonding and blood flow of the walk help us feel more connected and ready to do some more moving around when we get alone. Not fool proof but it works at times.

11. I solved this problem by not having kids.