Someone else posted about whether not owning home as a female is a dealbreaker, and I need some advice about a converse issue.
I moved from Calgary, Canada to the West Coast in 2020 after a devastating breakup. I had never lived outside of Calgary before and my heartbreak was catalyst for a change. I was chasing a dream in my career as well as searching for aligned community in a beautiful place. I naïvely thought/hoped I would meet my person on Vancouver Island; someone to start building a future with. Found out that buying anything out there was impossible without 2 incomes as the housing market went bananas. ‘Rona did its thing. Did not meet the person I had hoped to meet who was interested in building a life and future together with possibility of a child.
I developed massive amounts of resilience and self-awareness and realized what I want in my life and relationship, and part of this is feeling settled in a home that I am not renting.
I was recently accepted into grad school in Calgary and am moving back home this week. Obviously living on the west coast is untenable at this time, although I still have dreams of settling on the island again in the future.
I still desire a home where I can feel deeply rooted. I am in the process of looking for a modest home of my own to buy when I return. I am currently single. I actually wonder if purchasing a home on my own will disadvantage me in my search for a partner.
I fully intend to find committed partnership (leading to marriage and possibly a child and I never wanted to buy a home by myself. That said, I am in a position where I can, and want to for the sake of my future and don’t want to wait and be reliant on a partner for this.
Would this be overwhelming to a man? Would it be seen as an asset? I would be grateful for advice/feedback. For context: I am an RN by profession so will be able to work while in school so the numbers should work.
45 comments
I don’t see why it would. A lot of people do that these days. Also, what you buy you can sell.
Most guys I know don’t care one way or the other. Wealth and that sort of thing usually doesn’t register for us unless it is super high. The only way it would make things harder is it makes you less mobile so you are less willing to look outside that area for a partner.
I don’t think the other question had anything to do with owning a home “as a female.”
Buy a house if you want a house. The only person you are working for is yourself. No one should take issue with you being financially sound, and if they do, you wouldn’t want anything to do with them.
So that’s why I’m still single?! If it’s a dealbreaker, it’s not the right person IMO. I’ve owned my own house since I was 22 and wouldn’t change it.
I commented on the other post. I am a woman. To my knowledge, none of the guys I’ve dated have had any kind of feeling about me owning a home. Good or bad.
Any man man that is “overwhelmed” by your achievements is guaranteed to be underwhelming.
If it is, than that Person isn’t a man.
Well my ex allowed me stay alone for sometime before i had to move to his few years later, having my own modest space sometimes is really good for my health ofcourse once in a while a woman needs to be alone for sometime while they reminisce on their actions.
It could be a source of conflict if both of you already chose your “dream” or “forever” home but anybody who would consider this a true deal breaker probably isn’t compatible with you anyway, right?
Buy your house. Don’t wait around for a man.
And remember that if a man has a problem with that, then that’s NOT the man for you.
Quite the opposite, I would say men find homeownership sexy, as it shows you’re hardworking and can take care of yourself. But all I can speak for is my experiences with the men I dated (fellow islanders in their 30s and 40s). I got a lot of surprise from men while dating, even some asking “if this your parent’s property?” Haha! I was lucky getting in the market in my young twenties and I learned to reno and flip houses. I bought my farmhouse before the big market spike 5 years ago. It’s probably increased in sale price by a million by now
Realistically, I have had less interest from men since I’ve owned a home.
Is it due to that, due to me aging, due to me being more professionally successful, or due to random luck? I couldn’t tell you.
I have noticed some men who are older than me who don’t own but would like to feel a little uncomfortable. If a dude is secure and confident, he won’t care. My ex didn’t. I have also known some men who own their own place to get a little miffed when they find out I do and my place is nicer.
I think it’s totally fine to own a home. But would you be willing to sell it if your partner couldn’t live on the Island?
I’m not sure where on the Island you live but there might not be a ton of job prospects for your future partner if you’re somewhere like Tofino or Port Hardy.
If you’re in Nanaimo or Victoria, then it won’t be as much of an issue.
In my case, I don’t think it has overwhelmed or even intimidated men. That said, the last two LTR I had were with men who also owned their homes.
Where it presents sort of a challenge (or at least is something I’ve wondered about) is here: It seems to me that it would be much easier to jump to the living together stage of a relationship when one or both people are renting (lease expiring, no sense in paying 2 rents, etc). That decision feels much bigger and very different to me as a homeowner. For the right person I’d sell my house, rent it out, or have them move in, but it just feels like a much more life-changing decision than simply renting an apartment with someone.
I don’t think that is a good enough reason for you to not pursue buying a house if you can and want to, it just may be something you’d like to be aware of.
Wouldn’t be a deal breaker.
It’s good to have your own home in case things don’t work out.
Buy your house and if/when you meet someone it will likely be a non-issue. I own 2 places in Calgary as a female on my own. If I were to get into a serious relationship that is leaning towards the move-in phase, I’d want it to be an open flexible conversation that explores any possibilities by both partners. Just do it.
If purchasing a home on your own as a single woman would be a dealbreaker for a man, my friend…I promise you don’t really want to invite that kinda guy into the new life you’re working to build for yourself.
Change can be overwhelming, but it can also open up your world to adventure and love beyond anything you could have imagined for yourself. Jump in and do it! Wishing all the best for you.
If buying a house is what you want and you can afford it, buy the house.
If you wait for another person to come into your life, you’ll end up missing out on the opportunities in front of you today.
Owning your own home isn’t a dealbreaker, what’s a dealbreaker is how it’s touted as some sort of personality trait.
To put it another way – ever met a guy that talks about having a Ferrari like this is some sort of “sleep with me” type line? It’s just as cringe.
I bought as a single woman 5 years ago. Since then I’ve dated quite a bit, and currently have a boyfriend. I 100% don’t think anyone cares in the slightest. If anything, they usually seem slightly impressed (it’s a relatively HCOL area, and I also do all the work on the house myself). I don’t plan for this to be my forever home, but I can either keep it as an investment if my partner doesn’t want to live in, or I can sell it and use the equity for a down payment on a nicer place. I can’t imagine choosing to pay rent for the last 5 years, having to deal with a landlord, probably not being able to have the pets I do, and losing out on the $100k+ in equity that the house has accrued. I would have really been missing out, financially and otherwise.
You should do what *you want for yourself*. Stop trying to plan your life around what a hypothetical future partner might prefer. Plus that seems like a pretty shallow thing for a guy to not want to date a homeowner.
It literally didn’t cross my mind not to buy when the opportunity arose 8 years ago, and it has barely even come up in conversation while dating.
In my world it’s 100% the norm to buy a place as and when you can afford to do so regardless of relationship status (people would think you were mad if you *could* buy and decided not to because you’re waiting for a relationship that does not yet exist).
Anyone who thinks differently is not someone I’d want to date.
Ok, I’m a female but as a fellow Calgarian I would like to give my two-cents regardless.
Because of the god forsaken *sprawl* of this city, I would find “homeownership” as a turnoff when I was on OLD because it would often mean that if I were to get into a serious relationship with someone that led to moving in together, I would be forced to lived in whatever neighbourhood he had purchased his house, regardless of where it was located and whether that aligned with a lifestyle that I was hoping for. Like, I briefly dated a guy who owned a house in McKenzie Town and ended it because even though he worked and spent his free time downtown, I just didn’t see myself eventually moving there.
Obviously, buy a home if you want to. It might be seen as a shallow reason to swipe left, but I’ve I’ve also been very picky about my location and things like walkability. And also, I’m just chiming in because it was literally a topic of conversation with my boyfriend yesterday (“did homeownership on an OLD profile make you more or less likely to swipe right?”).1
I own a home – was not an issue when OLD besides a few icky comments on dates (skepticism that I did it without family $/help) that helped filter out men I didn’t want to date anyway.
personally I find it odd when people mention that on their profile – like there’s a certain kind of guy who’d always have “have a job, a car & own my house” and little else, as though those are the only qualities people want in a partner. I left swiped those!
My BF (met on tinder) thinks it’s awesome I own & since he rents, will move in here. I think it complicates things a bit in that if both people own homes there’s more to navigate (will one person sell / become a landlord / who) etc. but in our 30s & up, there are always things that can make combining 2 adult lives complicated. (30F)
The scenarios people are starting to come up with on this sub are getting bizarre. No one is intimidated by homeowners, and why on earth do we have 2 posts about female homeowners? Is owning a home as a woman somehow different than a man owning a home? Y’all need to relax, Jesus.
> I actually wonder if purchasing a home on my own will disadvantage me in my search for a partner.
It’s not a positive, but it doesn’t matter that much. Certainly not enough for you to change how you’re living your life for how a hypothetical man might think of it.
Worst case scenario is you meet someone, the home doesn’t work for the two of you and you need to sell it.
31M here – if the guy is specifically concerned about you owning a home, I would be worried about this being a gold digger / leach type situation. Generally we are more concerned about your personality, mutual goals, if you have a solid career / life path, how many cats you own (lol), etc.
The government response to the virus did it*
I’ve owned a home since my early 30s.
The only guy who had a problem with me owning a home was the dude I was dating at the time. He thought changing his name legally during the time we were actively looking for a house to buy together was a smart idea. Then got mad when he couldn’t be on the deed since he didn’t have any ID. In hindsight, I really dodged a billet with that one. But it hasn’t been an issue other than that.
I have owned two homes. I bought them because I could afford it and I wanted to buy them. I never once pondered putting this on hold for some person I don’t even know. Live your life. If this is overwhelming to a man then that’s an issue for him. My boyfriend, whom I did not know before I bought either house, moved into my house. Or we would have found another place and I could sell the house.
I’m female and bought a condo at 32. My current partner likes that I’m not dependent on him, and prior to him my other boyfriends and dates seemed impressed/supportive. But honestly a person who is put off by you providing for yourself is a person who wants you to depend on them and likely has some issues you don’t want to get wrapped up in anyways.
If you are worried about a future partner wanting to live elsewhere, you can always sell or hold on to it as a rental. My partner and I have discussed moving away from the city I am in once we are in a position to do so, and I plan to rent my condo.
One thing that can help make your partner feel involved is working on the place together. Right now my partner is helping me get materials to redo the floors.
I live in Calgary and would love it if whoever I match with owns their own place, whether it’s a condo or detached home. I think it’s a huge bonus!
It seems like a good percentage of my matches are in grad school. Idk why, kind of statistically odd but I think it’s cool they have career focus.
Oddly I grew up on Vancouver island and would love to move to Salt Spring one day. Seems unlikely, as you know it’s $$$$. And I just left AHS and know like 1/2 of the TBCC nurses. 😂
As an Albertan dude (Welcome Back!) I’d have zero issue with a woman I’m dating owning a house. It certainly wouldn’t be overwhelming and likely I would see it as an asset. More important to myself would be that the woman I date at your age has a sense of purpose and drive to make it happen. If you said you didn’t want to buy a house to maintain your flexibility during school that’d jive with me too.
Good luck and kick some butt in grad school!
As a friend said to me recently, “buy for the life you have now, not for one you might have in the future”. To be fair, he said that when I was complaining about my stereo receiver and turntable being pieces of shit I wanted to replace, but was holding off to see if I moved in with my dude who has a nice setup – but I think it still applies. Plus, if you meet another homeowner, you’d have a source of passive income if that’s your jam. I rented a house from a couple who were both home owning public school teachers, they used the rent we paid for her old house to build their retirement account. If you don’t mind being a landlord from a distance and have someone who can manage the property well for you, it seems like a winning decision to me!
Buy your house. It’s attractive to me when a woman has her own home and not an apartment or a house with roommates.
I bought a house as a single woman in an area I knew I wanted to stay awhile and never considered it being an issue with dating. Any man that would find it overwhelming that I can afford a place on my own is not a man I want to be with.
I’ve been seeing my partner for a year, we began dating 3 years into my home ownership. He has never seemed overwhelmed or intimidated by it, on the contrary, he is financially stable and likes that I am too.
It’s a huge plus in my book (as a man). I think it says a lot more about you than people think. People that say it isn’t a personality trait are right, but personally i think it usually correlates with specific traits/wants/whatever.
I dated a woman in a similar situation like this a few years ago and the thought never even crossed my mind. I would probably think of it as more of a positive. Like, hey, this person is probably somewhat responsible with their money like myself. Though I would still do additional vetting on that front lol.
In general, I would see it as an asset. After all it’s a sign that you can manage your money. In addition it will make certain things easier when going into marriage. Assuming you both have houses, one house can always be rented out for additional income. In addition, it makes it easier to have a discussion about a prenup where you both keep your houses should things end in divorce.
That being said, a house does normally indicate that moving in together could be significantly more complicated. If I were to start dating someone with a house that was farther away, I’d probably want to have a conversation about the feasibility of moving in together well before we actually consider it.
This is a lot of info lol.
Owning a home is overwhelming to the wrong man.
If you want to buy a home, buy a home. Don’t wait on a man for it. Don’t concern yourself with some unknown man’s opinion.
I bought a home on my own, and I did receive some comments about it being “strange” that a single woman would buy a whole house (mine is 3bed/3.5bath). But those people don’t matter. My SO also owns a home, so it worked out.
I feel like I was meant to see this post and answer you!
Buy the house. I’m in Calgary too. I moved here 2019 and have been waiting to meet someone before I buy a house… still hasn’t happened and the market here is going nuts too. Buy the house! Do it for yourself. Don’t wait. And if it’s intimidating to a man then he’s not the man for you.
If not usually a negative in a man’s eyes if a woman owns a home. If for some reason the home does not work for you in your future relationship, you just sell it.
>Would this be overwhelming to a man? Would it be seen as an asset?
Neither and both.
Some people will consider it a negative. I dated a woman once who when I mentioned wanting to buy a house told me she wouldn’t date someone who owned a home because she owned one and wanted a partner to move in with her.
Others will consider it a positive.
Others just won’t have an opinion either way.
You should do what is right for you. If you buy one and then you meet a partner, you two can decide to move into your place, their place, or buy a new place together. Lots of options exist and you two can figure out which of them makes the most sense for you.
I bought my first house after the 2008 crash. Last year I bought my second home that I love in. Never once has a man seen this as a negative. However the home that I currently live in is my HOME it’s rural and sits on over 50 acres. I’m not open to moving. Anyone who wants to be with me would have to move here and I’m very open about that. The few I’ve broached the subject with (once they brought up the relationship topic) have been somewhat receptive to it since they don’t own large tracts of land themselves.
If you aren’t in love with your home you can always sell it.
Sounds like a wonderful plan! Buy that house, earn that degree and never ever stop doing you first! I designed and built my home, it is my sanctuary, and was very healing for me coming out of a very long marriage. Potential matches that feel my home, and/or my graduate degree are a ‘disadvantage’ are not my people.