Anyone else have this problem? I am a woman if that matters. I orgasm very easily when masturbating, but can not at all during sex. I have never orgasmed during sex and i have been having sex for about 4 years now. Feel like i have tried everything, but i just can’t.
Edit: when i masturbate i tend to only use penetration as a way to get off. So it is not the penetration as the problem.
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Same girl! 😩😩
I mean you know what you are doing when you masturbate and in sex you have to teach someone how to do it. Is it the same partner or different ones?
Unless it’s a death grip kind of situation (which it doesn’t seem to be here obviously), this is usually a matter of some kind of performance anxiety.
You know how you can type or read just fine but sometimes when you feel like someone’s watching you suddenly all you make are typos, or you keep rereading the same line? We don’t have to have some big shame or confidence issues to find other people’s scrutiny distracting. Just being near others can be enough to change our thought patterns. For some people that means it takes a lot more trust and practice to really relax during sex. Relax to the point you’re capable of relaxing when you’re totally alone.
These are guesses from my experiences and these may not apply to you, but they are things to consider.
Over stimulation. You may have desensitized yourself by masturbating and using more pressure, force, texture than normally occurs during intercourse. As an experiment, stop masturbating for a while, only have sex with 1 partner, and pay attention to whether its better or the same.
Anxiety. Are you having sex with more than one person? (not shaming in any way, do you) If so you could be worried about how its going to go this time with this person who doesn’t know you or what you like.
Mental Block. Your brain may not be letting you get to where you need. You know what you like. Maybe you tell your partner and they do that thing but its still not working. When you are by yourself, you may be more fully relaxed than you are with a partner. You may be in a better head space because you’ve been reading your trashy stories. Or you’ve been imagining something that got you going. You are already “warmed up” by the time you start and are comfortable. But when your partner joins, it may be just enough of a distraction that you lose your mental space you were/are in and now you just cant get there.
In all of these cases, talk about it. Most partners ‘want’ to please the person they are having sex with. Go slow, let them explore your body, with guidance, and have them adjust whichever way they need to make it better for you. Harder faster, stronger, softer, left, right, down, tilt, more, less, this way, that’s it. Be vocal and encourage them to do so as well. Give plenty of soft directions and see where it leads.
Finally, there could be some trauma that is blocking your ability to really let go fully when there is another person involved. Anything from SA you though you were ‘over’. To something as simple as your mother making a fucked up comment that one time when you were 13 and you thought you were having a great day and she fucked it all up, accidentally or on purpose. In this case a therapist may help, if you are open to such a thing.
Either way, good luck. You got this. Its only sex. 😀
Can you come from masturbating in front of someone? Asking to figure out if it’s primarily a mental block of someone else being included or if it doesn’t hit the right things physically.
I don’t have a complete inability but it is really difficult. It’s helped having a very patient partner. When I’m having sex I need to be having an erotic conversation. Idk what it is but if I don’t have that I can’t get warmed up and have a really hard time getting anywhere. Knowing the stuff that makes you tick with a partner and having someone who will try with you and be patient is the key. Sex has been a really difficult topic with me and my girlfriend but we are always just wanting the best for each other.
I used to have the same problem. Close your eyes and imagine you’re masturbating and using a sex toy. I’m not joking. Once you let yourself go with someone, it comes easy later.
Orgasming in front of another person can feel vulnerable. Also, if you have performance anxiety (“oh no, I’m not cumming fast enough”) that’s going to kill an orgasm stone dead. Either way it sounds like a mental block