Advice is highly appreciated!
I, (20f) have been with my boyfriend (21m) since I was a sophomore in high school. (A little more than 4 years).
We’ve recently moved in together near his parents, about 2.5 hours away from mine. I just got a new job and start later this week, whilst being a full time college student. I usually wake him up for work. Alarms never really helped him wake up in the mornings. That being said, recently he’s been showing a lot of aggression when waking him up to get ready for work. He’s yelled at me, shoved me out of bed, and hit me a few times while waking him up. I usually wake him up by nudging him, kissing him, and or calling out his name. I’m not sure if I’m doing anything wrong, but l’ve sat him down a few times and talk about how I don’t like the way he acts in the morning, “grumpy” or not. He stays up late and has to wake up at 5 AM to get ready for work. After work, he usually spends times on his video games until a little past midnight with his friends after taking a long nap after work. I’ve had several talks with him but nothing seems to be clicking. I’m happy with him playing video games, as many times I join him myself. I tried talking about his sleep schedule, although the long naps (2-5 hrs) he takes should be sufficient on top of the sleep at night. I’ve talked with his mother and she said he’s been aggressive with waking up since the Covid lockdown. He says he’ll work on his morning aggression but he’s said that numerous of times with no change. Should I be looking for something I’m doing wrong or am I in the wrong for feeling this way?
TL/DR: My boyfriend has been aggressive in the mornings while waking him up, physical and vocal. He said he’ll change but nothing is working.
21 comments
No, you are not in the wrong here at all. He is.
Normally not a fan of ultimatums, but this is one situation that certainly calls for it. Tell him that either he gets his act together and stops being abusive (because he IS being abusive) to you in the mornings AND he starts getting himself up for work, or you’re gone. Then, follow through. Stop waking him up in the mornings. Don’t give him an inch if he tries to blame you for being late to work / not being able to get himself up. Again, you are not the one in the wrong here. If he continues to act terribly, then move out. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s what you need to do here, or things will never change.
This is not normal nor is it acceptable behavior. Please seek help and get out of this situation ASAP. Your safety is your top priority.
The only thing that will change is that he’ll start hitting you harder and more frequently.
Get out now. It’s pathetic enough he needs you to wake him up like you’re his mommy, it’s abhorrent that he abuses you for it.
Yeah I agree to stop waking him up immediately. If he can’t get his act together he can damn well wake up himself. You don’t have to be his punching bag… The solution is not always to talk it out and hope for him to change, sometimes you have to set boundaries about what you will and will not accept.
Tell him he needs to wake himself up and that you’re not going to do it anymore because 1. You’re not his mother, 2. He’s not a child, and 3. He’s not nice about it.
You need to consider if you are safe with him. This is abusive behaviour and there’s no excuse. Does he even care that he treats you this way? Stop waking him up at all, he’s an adult who should be in charge of his sleep own schedule and getting his act together for work in the morning. You are not his mother or his punching bag and it’s not your fault if he’s late for work. If he doesn’t change in a very short amount of time, leave.
Personally, I recommend leaving someone who is physically abusive. But if you aren’t ready to leave, tell him you can’t wake him up, because he is dangerous, and so you need to avoid him while he is dangerous. But that he clearly needs to talk to a doctor about getting a sleep lab and fixing his sleep issues. If he isn’t okay with you not physically endangering yourself or he isn’t okay with taking responsibility for his health and trying to fix his issues, then you should absolutely leave him, as those would be signs this relationship has no potential to be good.
It is NOT your responsibility to make sure he gets up in time for work. You’ve been nice enough to help and he gets ABUSIVE? Hell, no.
Since you’ve already talked to him a few times, and nothing has changed, it is time to stop. Tell him you will no longer be waking him up. Then think about how you will act the next morning. Be prepared because it may be difficult for you. He will probably oversleep and you will have to just ignore it and allow it to happen. He is responsible for his actions, not you.
Most people don’t love getting up early but we learn to just do it. Either your boyfriend will learn when he doesn’t have his mommy or you to wake him or else he won’t learn and then you will have even bigger problems (lost jobs, etc).
Why are you voluntarily choosing to remain with someone you know is abusive?
You need to get out before he seriously injures you or starts yelling and hitting you other times. Pack up your stuff for now and either stay with your parents or a local friend.
This will not improve. This will get worse. If he cannot be woken up by an alarm that is not your fault. He does not have the right to yell or hit you.
Get out.
“I will no longer tolerate your abuse; therefore, you will now be responsible for waking yourself up. Furthermore, if you ever touch me in an aside manner again, this relationship is over.”
Just stop waking him up, he will find another way to wake up if alarms doesn’t work
You need to leave the relationship ASAP. Things are going to get worse when you give him an ultimatum. So many girls get stuck in an abusive relationship because he either plays nice for a few days or gaslights you into thinking you’re overreacting and gets you to stay.
Hitting is not a normal behaviour when being nudged awake. He could be a little grumpy. I(25F) get grumpy when woken up too, but i just ask to sleep for 5-15 mins and wake up normally. I’m an insomniac, sleep is precious to me. It’s just the shock of being woken up. I don’t go around yelling or hitting.
Call your family or friends. Have them pick you up when he’s at work. Take your stuff with you. Confrontation or ultimatum is just going to make him more abusive.
Move out, he set you up so he could physically abuse you. Take the hit with the job and move back home.
People who wake up and choose violence are just violent people. Typical abuser behavior is to move you far from family and friends. And his mother is an enabler, so you can’t trust her at all.
There are abuse hotlines and groups to help you make a plan to leave safely. Giving him an ultimatum and leaving usually makes them even more violent and dangerous.
Sexual Violence advocate here, you need to leave before it gets worse. This is still domestic violence. If you don’t think he will hit harder, he will. There is no excuse for his behavior. Do not justify his behavior either. He should not be taking his stress and insecurities out on you and I’m sorry he is. If you need to private message me, please, I am here to help you. Do not stay in this relationship. It is only bound to get worse.
Next time he hits and pushes you, you do have the option to call the police and then move your stuff out. That will wake him up.
He will not change. Quit your job and go home.
>He’s yelled at me, shoved me out of bed, and hit me a few times while waking him up.
Get out now before it gets worse. Seriously, you’re young and you’ve been with this guy a long time so you may not realize this, but this is not normal. It is going to escalate the longer you stay. You need to get out *now* before it gets worse.
Stop waking him up, see which makes him angrier. He’s a grown ass man, this is weird as hell.
Leave. Immediately. There could not be a clearer answer. It is objectively the right decision. There isn’t any other that makes sense based on any additional context you could give. Get out, now.
Stop waking him up. Whatever happens is on him. He loses his job that’s his problem he can go live with his mother till he figures out how to be an adult.
Also if he continues to be violent you need to leave.