This is the advice I’ve been given a lot both in real life and on reddit. Or some other variants of it like ‘if everywhere smells like shit, check under your shoe’ or ‘this is a you problem’ or ‘seems like you’re looking down on them’.
I don’t know how to react to this sort of advice, really. I could just think ‘is it really a good thing for people to socially struggle person right now?’. Or who knows, maybe I’m the narcissist who can’t accept any criticism.
I have aspergers and never really had any friends back in highschool, but when college started I made huge efforts to come out of my shell and being nice/helpful / funny with everyone.
But there are some people in my college class who when I first meet them, they seem nice, but for some reason, I don’t know if I did anything to set them off or if they could ‘smell’ that I’m not very confident with myself, I do feel like I get targeted a lot. A lot of the interactions with them become a guessing game on what they’re going to throw at me this time.
It’s not just one person who’s like this either. There are 4-5 people right now who are kinda giving me similar vibe or treats me like I’m beneath them and nothing to worry about. Things they have done include:
\- When I ask questions, some will silently scoff and roll their eyes like what I’m saying is stupid
\- Highlight my flaws and make it a constant running joke
\- Talking over me or cutting queue
\- Attempt to pin a lot of the stuff as my mistake and clown me over it. Like ‘look at this guy, he doesn’t even….’
With some people, it’s either of these, but with others sometimes it’s all of these. They do all of this in a ‘joking’ way of course, which makes me not sure if I should call them out or not because it could just makes me a sensitive asshole or an insecure tool.
But then again, they’re just like this with me. These people get along quite fine with their friends. They have healthy social interaction while I don’t really have anyone. So that just makes think, if these people are acting in a such a rude way to me, and they’re not like this with others and if anything plenty nice and fun with their friends, maybe I’m the problem here. Maybe I’m the outlier and have done something to warrant the reactions. They’re completely fine on their own I just bring out the worst in people. Because they have more friends and better social life than me, if the quote is to go by, they’re not assholes. Their social life should objectively speak for itself while I’m mucking in in misery.
This very fact just makes me more doubtful of myself. Maybe the reason for all of my suffering here is my fault. I shouldn’t speak up to them because it’s likely true or because of how I put myself. Anyone would have responded like them.
I would really appreciate any advices or insights about my current sitaution
12 comments
It sounds like they’re just being assholes and they don’t like you cause you’re a little different. I like sayings like that, but they don’t always apply.
If you can I’d recommend a therapist. It’ll help you with problems like this.
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I learned that these things don’t always apply, so apply them when it’s relevant, and leave them when they don’t.
I think the idea is that if you experience the same issue everywhere you go, its probably something to do with you.
Less extreme and consequently, less memorable.
With the case of asbergers, a lot of times the issue is that you miss the intent of whats being said by someone and you respond in a way that causes offense. This repeating over time will inevitably give you a reputation for being an asshole.
The intent thing and the misapplied response is a big issue though, Because deliberately missing the point and focusing on a detail is how you non verbally tell someone that you dont want to talk to them either because you dont like them or what they’re saying doesn’t matter to you except that one little often unimportant detail.
And if you insist they keep talking after that, then you become an asshole in their eyes, because why else would you repeatedly seek out someone you dont like if you arent looking to hurt them?
Is it your fault? No not really, your brain is wired differently. But unfortunately theres no one size fits all answer to it other than to find a very chill group.
Of course, sometimes none of this is the issue and you just have strangers that like to dunk on the awkward, shy, weird, introverted, or minority people around them.
I’m also autistic, and have had a lot of the same treatment (alongside much worse treatment). When people give me a chance and properly get to know me, we very often get on well- to the point they will openly tell others their positive feelings towards me.
***Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck*** this type of advice. It’s insulting, inaccurate, and assigns all of the blame unto the victim. There isn’t even anything *actionable* in this advice – something may be off, but you’re implied to be the jerk until you fix it (even if the fault is ultimately with your peers). Just about the only kernel of truth is that **there may well BE** a common denominator across all of these interactions; that commonality is that a ND person is interacting with NT people, and the NT people aren’t interested in meeting in the middle. Look into “double empathy”.
I once made the mistake of a post similar to this “I know there’s the saying, but surely I can’t universally be an asshole in all situations” and I got some hateful messages telling me I deserved **all of it**, and that I may as well die. That kind of contextless attack holds exactly as much credibility as this kind of advice.
This situation doesn’t need to end with you closing yourself off from humans, or even this particular group. You should just go forward with the understanding that people aren’t obligated to be considerate (regardless if you are considerate), and possibly that you should analyze what each individual provides and receives in the group. You may be “slacking” in terms of social capital- but you may also find that you’re overextending for this group and are being disrespected for your efforts.
I get a lot of the same treatment too, even at 27 years old, which is sad considering people should be slightly more mature in their late 20’s. I always have people talking over me or cutting the queue, and I know there’s nothing I can do so I just let them talk. Now that’s my problem so you can just say bluntly “I wasn’t finished”. Try saying that until you really get the point across that it’s rude they interrupted your thoughts. People suck
People who are neurodivergent often have a lot of social issues this is not our fault unfortunately the system is not designed for neurodivergent people and we are off putting to a lot of neurotypicals
It’s really hard when I was younger I used to just be kind of a pushover and people liked me a lot more but once I stopped masking and started advocating for myself people like me a lot less and it is very stressful
Neurotypical people don’t like to admit it but autistic and neurodivergent people get bullied all the time because we do not “fit in” to social norms & make others uncomfortable just by being ourselves.
“If they could ‘smell’ that I’m not very confident with myself” yes, they probably can tell. Some people target someone they can tell is less confident with “jokes” like these that make the group laugh. They think it’s all lighthearted, and because you never react, they most likely think you’re okay with it. These people tend to be insecure and immature. Yes call them out on it, don’t be overly reactive. Calmly and confidently tell them that you’re tired of jokes being made at your expense
Here’s my simple advice. You are different. Not the everybody is different kind of different, but the more than two standard deviation away from the middle of the pack different. To top it off, you are keenly sensitive
There are approaches you can take such as becoming an extreme introvert or recluse, but that isn’t healthy, from my experience at least
An approach I wish I would have taken much earlier in life is becoming an active listener. Most people don’t want solutions, they just want someone to listen, thus providing comfort to them. Active listening is a system that is easy to grasp but hard to master. You’ll need a bit of practice and a lot of self restraint at the beginning
The more you listen, the more they will tell you and feel comforted (offer listening, not solutions). At some point they will reciprocate. But, be very careful in what you share because what you experience will be odd to them. Start with the very small stuff and don’t freak them out
I’m guessing, like me, you don’t experience the world in the way that 95% of people experience the world. This is a good thing and something to embrace. Understand, though, it can be a handicap, especially in small group settings and 1 on 1 convos
You’ll find your people. It just takes more work than the average bear. Like 15-20x more work. Keep that in mind and you’ve got this
If you’ve got no one else, you need someone like a therapist or friendly elder you can run your interactions by and get their feedback on.
There might be something in the way that you’re presenting yourself that these people are misunderstanding, causing them to hate on you without you deserving it. I can see easily happening if you have Asperger’s.
While you might feel like you’re the asshole, judging by your post it’s obvious that you’re not. You seem quite thoughtful to be honest. Do you tend to brag about yourself when you first meet someone?