I generally struggle at the start of relationships with devaluation of my self worth and the niggles that I won’t be good enough.
I know deep down that I’m a great catch but it still doesn’t stop my insecurities rearing their ugly heads.
I’m in the throws of a new and exciting potential relationship with a good man currently and I need to nip my self loathing in the bud asap. We’ve been very open and honest with eachother about the worries we have but I always feel like mine are off putting and I don’t want to drive this one away.
What would you guys recommend? Therapy? Books? Self soothing tips, absolutely anything.
TLDR. Basically what I said in the caption.
26 comments
I recommend therapy which may help you with the profound realization that your insecurities about this new relationship aren’t about this new relationship at all. 🙂
Mindfulness is an important skill to develop. The uncontrolled thoughts popping into your head don’t become a problem until you react to them and take them seriously. Learning how to observe them rather than interacting with them is incredibly helpful.
Hey! Guy with OCD here, so I know anxiety and intrusive thoughts very well.
I’d say your best shot is therapy of course but I acknowledge how expensive it can be so if you can’t do that, try doing some self-compassion exercises, they help me a lot when the intrusive thoughts about me as a partner come to nag me.
Also, just as a tip, there’s no way of getting rid of intrusive thoughts. They’re here to stay, so any therapy you take is going to train you on how to ignore them rather than get rid of them so yeah, gotta learn how to just not pay attention to them:). If you need more help, feel free to dm me
Attachment theory book (“Attached”), and maybe a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavior therapy
Im sorry, what are niggles??
if you’re already being open and honest about insecurites/worries, then i think you’re doing everything you can. no use being worried you will drive them away. entertaining those thoughts will just make you feel worse. no point trying to cover it up for it to rear its head down the road, imo. if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. just keep the communication open 🙂
Everyone’s gonna say therapy, and that’s a good idea. But as someone not currently in therapy I also appreciate practical advice, so here is mine: don’t feel like you have to act on or verbalize all the self doubts that you have. Write them down or talk them out to yourself. Consider it a “you” problem – don’t leave it up to your partner to reassure you. I say all this as someone who struggles with similar things and is still working on it.
Therapy has been a fulfilling investment
I don’t know why this helps me and I’m not sure it’s a healthy technique, but I tell myself romantic relationships don’t really matter. This person can come and go and I’ll still be fine, so why put so much weight on it or worry so much about it failing? Just enjoy the ride. If it sticks, it sticks. If it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. I’ll still have my friends, my dog, my family, and a whole lot of other people to date. We must take risks and bet on ourselves in order to make the most out of life. If other people can do this, then why not me too?
Keep yourself busy making plans with friends and family and working. Even if you don’t have those, work out, go on long walks, get lost in books, etc. Don’t be waiting around for him to text/call/make plans. The less time you spend focusing on them and other things instead, the less anxious you’ll be.
My therapist taught me to look at the facts. If you think you’re not good enough, look at his words and actions. Has he said you’re not good enough?
If he thinks you’re not good enough but can’t muster the courage to tell you, it’s a him problem not you.
Exercise
It’s hard to start and stick thru, but it’s cheaper than therapy and gets the endorphins going. When I exercise, things dont feel as bad or daunting. It brings relief from my stress, my anxieties.
(As someone going through something similar, thanks for everyone commenting. Some of it is helping!)
Self soothing. I keep my thoughts positive and remember I have other things in life to be happy about 🙂
Try to shift your mindset to date without being attached to the outcome. Meaning, if you are enjoying the time you’re spending with this person, GREAT! Keep spending time with him. When thoughts about what he might be thinking or intending creep in try to remind yourself that you can’t control any of those things. You can only control you. When you get anxious, write down what you’re anxious about – all the thoughts. Then cross out all of the things that you CAN’T control, this helps your brain consciously realize that all of the subconscious effort it’s putting into trying to control those things is wasted effort.
Also, I got on buspirone lol. But that was for anxiety in general. Changed my life
I used to feel really insecure about how I acted in new relationships, because I didn’t want to “scare” guys away. I realized no matter how perfect seeming I tried to be, if they didn’t like me, they just didn’t. I would let them get away with so much, and after a month of dating anyone, I’d feel unlike myself. I stopped looking at these guys as “the one” and kind of stopped caring so much, so early on. I tried to really hone in on what reactions are appropriate and I’d try to keep my emotions in check. I’d take a step back and evaluate if I’m having issues because of them or my own insecurities. It took me a long time to not freak out about little things, but the more I practiced pausing and evaluating situations, the more calm I became.
The gym
when i feel anxiety i literally just clean the house or hit the gym. Helps calm me down plus i get my chores done win win
Journal. Write in it whenever you’re anxious. Putting it down somewhere helps you let it go.
Well my coping with that is I stopped dating 3,5 years ago.. in the meantime lots of different self-development techniques, therapy happened. I said that I will date again once I will love myself as I am not in a context of a man. When I learn to define myself as a woman but not in a context of a man, but as a being. When I think about dating a person I observe myself how much shame, hiding, pretending comes up and I just confirm, yes, I still feel inferior. Im not saying its a coping mechanism I would recommend, but I would go to therapy for sure. Back in times a therapist was a great help to keep me in my relationship, because I could discuss with her every week all those thoughts.
A tip I got from my therapist that has been really helpful is to set a timer (2 min, no more than 10) and just focus on feeling whatever you are feeling. Don’t judge, don’t try to talk yourself out of it- just feel. I struggle with anxiety in relationships as well and this has helped so much from than any of the previous tactics I’ve been taught to intellectualize or rationalize my fears/doubts.
I have had a fantastic experience with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and would recommend it to anyone. Your anxious and insecure thoughts are survival strategies that, for some reason, at a young age you felt the need to learn. But they’re causing trouble in your relationships.
I don’t think emergency therapy to save yourself from being super anxious in this one relationship is realistic. If you’re out of balance then that’s going to cause problems. No amount of preemptive planning based on social media feedback is going to stop that.
Take a deep breath. If this guy is as special as you think, he can be patient. Solicit unfiltered feedback from your family and friends, talk to them about what you’re having problems with and don’t hold anything back. The things you want to lie about are hints about your own anxieties. I’m sure people who know you, and who you know, in earnest conversation, will be able to give you much better advice than anyone here.
I recommend this self help book for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) called “Get out of Your Mind and Into Your life”!
Remind yourself that you’ll be okay if this doesn’t work out and then just try to enjoy what you are doing with this person.
We end up so hurt we get wrapped up in fantasy of people/ in a future that didn’t exist anywhere but our minds.
So stop focusing on ‘potential’ and start focusing on what is actually happening right now and some of the anxiety will lessen.
I’m in the same boat. It ridiculously hard for me to trust since my last LTR of nearly 10 years ended in cheating and the next two girls I tried to date returned to their exes after just a month or two.
I keep trying to remind myself that I’m an amazing person, a good catch and that stuff has nothing to do with me. If a woman can’t recognize what she’s found in me and looks elsewhere that really is her loss.
But I’ll be damned if I can’t bring myself to listen to me. Lol
I’m currently reading the book “Attached” by Levine and Heller. I discovered I’m an anxious type which didn’t surprise me at all. But the book helps you figure out how to deal with it and stop it from ruining relationships.
I’m also in therapy every week which is definitely helping.