Ive been living a very complicated life which no one knows about.Throughout the covid phase Ive struggled with hocd and other types of ocd. But I started to get a little better when I met my girlfriend. I still suffer from time to time but I am clear about my inclinations now.I’ve been in a relationship with my gf for 9 months and I love her so much. But during the sexual experiences, I couldn’t get hard properly and. I was getting a bj and the whole time I couldnt get hard. Earlier in our relationship I used to get hard watching my gf’s pictures and stuff and reliving our makeout sessions.But recently I’ve been feeling very sexually numb idk why. I jerk off to other stuff she knows it and is okay with it but I dont know why this is happening to me. Because all my feelings for her are still there and I always want to spend time with her.Idk is it something about losing the thrill but how is that possible I haven’t had many sexual experiences.
Also we have a common friend and she is a very close friend of mine. Its not that I like or do give her more attention than my gf. She is just another person and tbh doesn’t matter tk me at all. But recently I’ve been getting sexual thoughts about her and it gets me so confused.Im not attracted to her and would never want to date her even if my gf wasnt in the picture .Also if there is some other girl I see on insta or any celebrity I feel aroused to I just jerk off to them and my gf knows about this and she and I both think its harmless and just a physical thing.But I don’t jerk off to people I know.But recently the thoughts about her have started to arouse me .And I have been getting very hard to those thoughts and it pisses me off because I’ve not been getting hard to my gf. Also I would never engage in a physical act with my friend because I don’t even see her that way. So is this some kind of taboo thing that gets me going or the feeling of having fun thinking of something I shouldn’t think about?I dont want any reassurance.But I feel like a terrible person.I feel like Im doing wrong by my girlfriend.But I love her so much.Any advice on how to get through this sexual numbness would help.Thank you