Ok so the situation is kind of weird and i dont really know what to do i feel guilty and feel like im not a trustful person.
Lets call my friend M. I become friend with M when i was on my early teenage years. We had the same passions, the same hobbies and he was someone fun and kind of nerd like me. But when we grew up, things became less fun.
M was a pervert. He had a really high libido and was kind of a creep. He was stalking and harassing girls he liked (he would take pics of them in the changing room or call them like a hundred times until they bloke his number) and i tried to explain to him that what he was doing was bad but he never listen. I think that he start being annoyed by me always trying to lecture him as if im his father. And then he became really toxic to me during high school:
-He was overly jealous.When i hang out with other friends, he would get really angry. One day, i go to mcdonalds with some friends without him and when he learn that he punched me.
-I become friends with a girl, and he threatened to rape her by dm so that she wont talk to me anymore.
-he try to date the girl i was in love with, despite me telling him to not do it. She turn him down anyway.
-TW: Worst thing he do so far. One day we go to a trip in summer. During the night he touched some intimate parts of me without my consent and obligate me to seeing his penis despite me telling him i dont want it.
Now i know what you will tell me: you were so dumb to just not leaving him. And i know i was dumb. But i know that if i try to ignore him and not talk to me anymore, he would start harassing me and spreading rumors about me.
After that we finished high school and go to college, and we see each other a bit less. I was dedicated to my studies in engineering whereas he travelled in europe, going to parties and stuff. He starts smoking a lot of marijuana and sleeping with a lot of girls. It kind of calms him and he was a more chill and less toxic dude. We would sometimes have fights because i think he smoke too much and him telling me im not his father. But it was clearly a more enjoyable friendship.
And thats were i become the bad guy. Whereas i still continue my studies, he struggle in his university and basically spend three years to validate his first year of university. He confess to me that he was worried about the future, about what to do with his life. The marijuana clearly destroyed a part of his life as he has less memory, less intelligence and struggle to have a career. He also confess to me that i was his only true friend, the one he believed in. Others were just “smoking partners”. But what i do is really shitty.
Because of what happened in the past, and despite him becoming a better person, i was still feeling sick in my stomach every time i had to see him. And so one day without warning him i cut all contacts with him and never talked to him again.
He asks me why, i dont answer. He would send me a lot of messages, i dont answer. He called me like a hundred times an hour sometimes, i dont answer and blocked his number. I made me think that it was for the better. I have a life to build and i cant see me being fully happy with him. I know it is kind of selfish. Last time i heard of him was some vocals with insults (he was clearly drunk during the vocals)
I feel liberated but guilty. He was not a bad guy and i feel harsh for abandonning him because of bad things he do during his teenage years. I feel guilty for leaving him jobless, addicted to drugs, with not a single friend to help him.
I clearly dont know how to feel. I will not talk to him again because i think he is angry at me anyway. I do not feel threatened by him anymore as i become stronger than him physically after high school. But i feel like im a shitty person and not a trustable person.
22 comments
You did the right thing, don’t feel bad!
You aren’t obligated to stay friends with someone just because they’re a slightly less awful person than they used to be. And honestly it doesn’t sound like he is less awful, he’s just better at hiding it now. There’s a reason he doesn’t have any friends.
You are not being selfish for not keeping him in your life. Sometimes people like this need social consequences to realize that their actions are not acceptable. Sometimes they never learn and they continue sabotaging all their relationships forever. That’s not your problem or your job to fix. You aren’t bad or trustworthy for choosing not to keep a negative presence in your life. In fact, your other friends and future partners will likely find you *more* trustworthy if you don’t keep close company with a person like this.
.. he wasn’t a bad guy? But you just described horrible bad things he did..
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Cutting him out was the right decision. He wasn’t hanging around to be your friend, he just wanted you to dote on him. This is for the best and you will be happier in the long run without him in your life.
Yes, there are points in your life where your path and a friend’s path split. Your lives are going in different directions and you can wish them well from afar.
I once read a quote that said, “It is OK to miss the people you had to leave behind.”
You are having to leave this guy behind. It is what has to happen so you can continue on your journey and that’s OK.
He is codependent. You can choose friends. I think I’d have chosen a different way to cut ties, but he really does sound like someone willing to drag you down while separating you from any other friends.
Don’t feel bad, just drop him.
Not a “bad guy” but he punched you for going to mc donalds??? WTF?????? Girl, stop it. You know he’s dangerous. Going to “RAPE” a girl so she wouldn’t be friends??? WTF????? this can’t be real…………
Update: okay i get what youre telling me. Its making me feel good that it was, for you, the right decision.
Im really sorry that my post could be harmful and offensive. When i re read it its like im making excuses for his attitude because he became a better person now. That was not what i meant and im sorry for that.
He is a VERY bad guy!!! People like him don’t stop that kind of behavior OP, they just get better at hiding it.
He has raped, I would bet money on it. The weed may have mellowed his aggression out a bit but that may only seem that way to you because you’ve learned not to challenge him.
Sorry, but if you knew he was a stalker, sexual harasser, and potential rapist; you do have some ownership here. “The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing.”
Does this mean I think you are just as bad as him? No. You were a kid for some of it but you knew it was wrong. You just stopped speaking up as much because you were scared of what he would do to you.
Blocking him was the right move. Stop feeling guilty because he has nobody else in his life. Of course he doesn’t he is a monster.
I used to have a “friend” like this. He actually sought me out from the very beginning. The first time we hung out he invited himself with me and my friends to dinner after school. He literally stood in front of my car and wouldn’t let us leave until he could hop in with us.
I don’t know why but I let him. He slowly started taking up more and more of my time. He had nothing nice to say about me, my family or my other friends. He would get extremely upset if I spent time with other people, and whenever I had a girlfriend he would be very mean to her.
Eventually I moved to another city for college. I thought being far apart would help our friendship mellow out. After a few months he came to visit me and the whole time was just shitting all over me. Made fun of my job, my apartment, my new friends. Told me he knew better than I do what’s best for me. So after I dropped him off at the airport, I just blocked him. I couldn’t do it anymore. If every time I saw him was going to be me getting made fun of and being on edge just to please him, why were we even friends?
I thought he would be fine with me moving on since he was so mean all the time. Nope. He would call me from other numbers, he would contact my family and friends. Eventually he started telling people he was in love with me.
I honestly think that’s why this happened to you. I’m really sorry because I know how terrifying it is to be spending time around someone like that. You can tell they are hurting, and they take advantage of our kindness.
If you explained it to him, he wouldn’t listen. He would try to turn it against you somehow.
Live your life the best you can. He knows he is a bad person. Even if you don’t want to admit it, he is. He knows you’re the only decent person in his life and wants to guilt you into being responsible for his actions. It’s not your job to live his life for him. He is an adult.
“he was not a bad guy”
Please re-read your post and just try to imagine that this were written by someone else.
It’s way too obvious here that you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about this, so let me add my grain of salt : I think you need a bit of a reality check about yourself because it’s extremely unhealthy to be putting yourself in that position right now. A person bullies, harasses you for years, and even sexually assaults you, and you feel bad about cutting contact ? I’m saying this with compassion because I’ve been there, self esteem so low that I thought I didn’t deserve better. You need to look in the mirror and stop putting up with that shit, my friend.
he sexually abused you and destroy his own life against your wise advice. you remained by fear.
the only regret to have is to not have done it long before.
This is a horrible toxic individual that you finally managed to cut out of your life and you are now questioning it.
You sound like you are a pretty tolerant person to put up with his behavior for so long – but also, whether you want to really face this or not, but he has been bullying you into being his “friend” for a long time. The way he acted toward you, setting aside the sexual harassment for a moment – was abusive. I’m talking about harassing you and spreading rumors about you. And the fact that he basically sexually assaulted you.
So you finally got the courage to cut him off. Good for you!!
You are not the bad guy at all. You finally stood up to him and said enough was enough. You are not required to dig him out of the hole he has been digging for himself the whole time.
He has feelings for u, stay the fuck away
THIS was you finally reaching your limit and excising that cancerous person. I see nothing wrong with it.
‘He was not a bad guy’
Re read your post and then try to convince us of that OP. He’s dangerous and the less people he’s around the better.
IMO you stayed in the “friendship” out of fear. Now that there’s no longer a real threat from him to stay around you decided to leave. He may think you two are real friends. But he was only able to keep you by his side because of his threats. That’s not how real friendships work.
Him being jobless, addicted to drugs, and no real friends is his own doing. You’re not obligated to try and give him a chance when he’s a better person or try to save him from himself. His actions has consequences and if his toxic attitude and poor choices in life is driving everyone in his life away then that’s something he needs to live with.
You sound like a good person. And it’s understandable why you feel guilt ghosting him without telling him the reason. But keep in mind you don’t owe him anything.
I think everyone got to the important points. This dude is shitty and sexaully assaulted you, and who knows how many others. There is no need to feel guilty, move on, and in time, you will feel better.
Also as someone who smokes weed all the time and is also an engineer, the weed had nothing to do with his doing shitty in university.
What you described is a classic case of a toxic friend who was bringing nothing positive to your life. Removing these type of people from your life is the right thing to do. You put up with it far too long. Stand firm, the longer you stay away from him, the better you will start to feel over all. Below is a link about toxic friends and handling them.
https://www.today.com/health/behavior/toxic-friendship-warning-signs-rcna16665
Ehhh imo those are all the characteristics of a bad guy. Listen to ur gut
OP he’s needs serious mental health treatment. You should not feel guilty for wanting stability and drama free focus on your path in life. This person is on a very destructive road that you don’t need to travel. Hopefully he will seek professional help.