My (31f) husband (32m) has been caught lying to me several times over our 13 year relationship.
It started by him lying about his porn habit and hiding it from me. He no longer watches porn (that I know of.) I made it clear how it makes me feel about myself.
In another instance, I caught him deleting text messages from a female employee. This was a strange one. He swears it was nothing and he only deleted the messages because he knew I’d be jealous of any conversations he had with another girl. I asked him why he’s never deleted massages before, and he couldn’t answer that. Needless to say, I forgave him, decided to believe him, and we moved on.
Over the last couple years, he’s been lying about is weed usage behind my back. He’s had a few very scary episodes relating to weed (namely passing out at a concert and hurting himself), so I asked him to quit. Found a vape yesterday and he fessed up about hiding it from me for months. When I asked if he was high on multiple occasions, he lied to my face and said no of course not.
This most recent lie feels like irreversible damage.
We own a business together and he’s my best friend, so I know I’ll go back to him like I always do and life will go on.
But how on earth do I learn to trust him again? How do I let myself fall in love again, want to be intimate again, respect him again. He clearly does not respect me.
All of this is so strange because he really does love me. He treats me like a queen, makes me laugh, is an incredible good man. He’s kind and fun and really everything you’d want in a partner. He just keeps pulling this bullshit and I don’t understand.
It makes me wonder if I’m the problem? Am I too strict? Am I controlling? I don’t feel like asking for honesty and transparency is too much.
19 comments
Side note: a huge fear of mine is that my husband is only with me for the money.
I started the company that we both run together, and it turned into a multimillion dollar business. I’m terrified that he’s putting on a charade to “ride the boat” as long as possible. I’m terrified that these lies are his actual true colors and that I’m being played.
I would probably want out of a relationship that I couldn’t smoke weed and rub one out once in a while in. That sucks he has to hide being a human male.
Were his parents strict and controlling?
He’s kind and fun and everything you’d want in a partner, but he’s not allowed to smoke some weed or rub one out? They’re white lies, I don’t think he’s doing it hurt you or do it behind your back, he’s doing it because he knows you’ll get upset for something that really shouldn’t be an issue, especially if he treats you right.
> I made it clear how it makes me feel about myself.
I think this is fundamentally the wrong approach to take.
Your insecurities are yours to manage. I suggest working on them until you end up ruining your relationship. Insecurity is one of the greatest turn-offs for men, and most won’t stick around for someone who tries to control the private aspects of their sexuality.
Otherwise, if you don’t trust someone, it’s probably not a good idea to have a relationship with them.
At the end of the day both of you have an obligation to be the best person you can be. Because you are married… what one does affects the other. Health .. money.. substances..If this doesn’t work don’t be married…. 40yrs myself
OP, I have read your responses to comments as well, you are looking for affirmation in my opinion, not advice. I don’t know enough about your situation to tell you exactly what to do because this is not clear cut. He is a nice guy and you want him to make changes for your sake. He prefers not to make changes, but he lies instead of saying no to you. This is an “Us” issue, not a “him” or “her” issue. Plus, your finances are intertwined and my understanding is that he can ruin your business by leaving it.
You do not have any sort of moral high ground in my opinion. Being controlling is a about the same as lying. I still say MC, you need a pro to unravel this.
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Don’t allow others to tell you that you can’t have deal breakers or standards in your marriage. Lying and porn and drug usage are all extremely reasonable to be upset over. It makes it worse that your husband is suffering side effects from his weed usage.
If he wanted to do all of these things, he could have been honest and straight up with you. His continued pattern of lying should be addressed in marriage counseling.
I’m a woman and would’ve divorced you for your rules.
I’m sorry but you guys are totally incompatible. He’s lying to cover up stuff you’re not ok with, but that he thinks is fine. The problem isn’t the lies, the problem is that he thinks porn and cannabis are OK and you don’t. If he was honest and said “yeah I’m going to keep looking at porn and smoking weed because I don’t think it’s a problem,” I don’t think you’d feel any better.
This is who he is: a guy who likes porn and weed and talking to other women. If that’s not the person you want to be married to (and I don’t think it is), then you should leave.
If you’re up for it, message me. I understand what you’re going through first hand. I’ve been there with my husband. It doesn’t have to be end all be all, but it going to take some work. I’m 31, my husband is 26. He’s had a lot of growing up to do when it comes to honesty.
So I had a similar issues with my wife. I Was the one who was lying about drinking and porn. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I would delete texts but was not cheating. I felt like I had to hide things because I felt controlled. And wanted to drink some times and jerk off some times because it was unhealthy a coping skill I had. I did not want to fight with my wife. I didn’t want to be told what to do. I didn’t feel like I was equal or trusted to make the correct choices. I loved my wife she is and was my best friend. So what changed? I was brutally honest with her after much fighting and her nagging me. I had to look at myself and find better coping skills than drinking. And also I love my wife she’s super hot but porn had nothing to do with her. It was a frantacy not real. I had sexual needs as well that we could talk about. We went to Counseling togather witch helped us both so much. So my suggestion is ask your self why you get mad at porn. Are you afraid he won’t want you? Won’t love you? His drug use leads him to getting hurt and passing out. He needs good coping skills. So I don’t drink anymore I don’t delete any text and sometimes I jerk off to porn. The big difference now is I feel safe talking to my wife. I don’t have to lie or fear being judged harshly. My wife has been able to cope as well. We have grown togather. Remember your husband is a man who wants to feel equal like he’s your protector your hero your man. He dose not want to feel like a kid with a nagging controlling mother of a wife. You may not be treating him like that but he 100 percent feels that way. So you both need to make positive changes.
All of you who have basically told me “suck it up” and that porn is normal and that you wouldn’t want to be married to me either….. can go FUCK yourselves.
NO ONE deserves to be lied to. NO woman should ever be made to feel bad about her body and sexuality. NO married person should ever have to find out that they can no longer trust the one they love and care for and have built a life with.
Kindly go crawl back into your filthy little caves and continue grabbing your short little dicks while watching underage girls in Eastern Europe be exploited. Don’t forget to finish off your evening with a nice fat joint, then go fall asleep alone and do it all over again tomorrow. You worthless pieces of shit.
How on earth is he “everything you could want in a partner” when he is always lying to you and is more than likely cheating on you??
Maybe try to reward good behavior? If you see he’s telling the truth about something reward him somehow. If he goes all day without smoking reward him. He’ll want to do more of it and maybe he’ll see how useless the other things are.
Bottom line from my perspective: work on your own negative feelings about his vices (ideally with his input and support) and cut the guy some slack. You say he’s practically perfect in every other way, yet you’re on his back about weed and porn for some reason. He does everything right day to day, which is hard work, but because he likes to smoke and watch porn, you’re up in arms and acting like he doesn’t care about you. He hides these things (and the texts) because he feels like he has to in order to keep you both happy.
I would argue that you don’t respect him as much as you think, otherwise you’d let him have his little vices. You’d be ok with a 95% perfect husband who is happy instead of demanding 100% perfection and a husband who resents you for forcing him to either give up what he likes or lie about it and walk on eggshells.
Maybe weed and porn are part of what allows him be the perfect husband in all those other ways. Maybe that’s his self care that helps him be everything else that you both need and want him to be. His way of blowing off steam and keeping his sanity.
Here’s a question: is there any scenario other than him complying with your requests 100% in which you would feel respected? If he wanted to discuss/argue about it? If he told you flat out that he wouldn’t stop? If (as he has) he lied to you and kept doing these things? I’m guessing that all of these responses on his part would not be acceptable to you, and you would still accuse him of disrespecting you for not obeying. So you’re not giving him much of a choice but to roll over for you or lie about it.
Assuming what I said above is accurate, you don’t want honesty and communication; you want him to do as he is told without argument or question. And if he does anything but that, you’ll say he’s disrespecting you, not caring about you, etc. That’s not fair or healthy. It’s not fair or healthy to use the “my feelings” card to control your husband’s behavior when it isn’t causing any actual problems outside of your own head.
He has feelings too. Hear them out. I’d bet money he feels controlled, unheard, disrespected, trapped. He’s trying (and succeeding) to be the best partner he can be. But you’re still not happy, still riding his back, because he has a couple vices he doesn’t want to give up. Relationships are give and take. Sounds like in this situation you’re wanting to take 100% and expecting him to give 100%, and if anything else happens, you’ll say he doesn’t care or respect you enough. I guarantee he doesn’t feel trusted or respected either.
None of this is meant to minimize or excuse the issue of him lying to your face. I understand that no matter the circumstances, that hurts and is cause for serious concern. What I’m saying is that I don’t think he lied for bad or purely selfish reasons. It just seemed like the utilitarian option. You hear what you want to hear and it makes you happy, he does what he wants to do and it makes him happy. None of the alternative options work out that well. Every other option of how to handle the situation would result in fights, hurt feelings, and general unhappiness for one or both of you. So he did what seemed like the least bad thing: keep the peace with a lie.
I recommend some long, compassionate conversations about all of this.
What a prude.
This sounds awful, I’m sorry you have to deal
With that! Regarding your question of how to fall in love with him and respect him again, I’d say he needs to do some serious work before you can begin to do either of those things. You need to know that he’s serious about changing and that he is making actual efforts to change before you can learn to love him again. I hope he does make those changes! He will need a serious talking to about all of this and how it makes you feel. Also let him know that if he continues to lie about these things or anything just as serious then you will be forced to leave because you don’t deserve this.
Also the folks saying “suck it up” need to get a life. Why would they comment something like that instead of giving advise? It’s a bit sad 🙄