My bf is SUPER clingy and I feel like it’s making me insane.
I also feel super guilty because he generally does treat me really well; cooks for me, tells me I’m beautiful etc.
I used to love it at the start of our relationship but it’s just too much now.
We live and work together. When we’re at home he constantly tries to initiate sex (even straight after we finish) up to 5+ times a day. And it’s nice he obviously loves me a lot but it’s kind of irritating when he’s just constantly grabbing my boobs and rubbing me down there. I do tell him stop eventually and he just seems to get a bit upset but doesn’t say anything. If it’s not that he has to be touching me constantly and so close he’s basically up my ass. Like we will lie in bed and his face is like up against mine all the time or half his body on me and if I ask for space he just says I’m mean.
At work he often is touching me, rubbing me, whistling at me, telling me I’m beautiful. And it sounds lovely but honestly it’s just too much and always in front of co workers. It’s kinda embarrassing.
When we’re with friends he’s worse. Constantly making out, touching and feeling me and I say I’m uncomfortable doing this in front of friends and he just laughs and carries on. Like not taking me seriously.
He often talks about us being married and kids and tells me he loves me over probably 20/30 times a day. But the thing is I don’t actually think we have so much in common. We honestly never have deep or meaningful conversations. In fact we never really talk about anything it’s just sex and him telling me he loves me and I’m beautiful. Whenever I talk about the future (not about marriage and kids, like actual things I want to do and things I want to see) he never asks me more questions about things. He just says “sounds good”. Idk maybe it’s petty but I feel like he doesn’t even know me.
I feel like he doesn’t really love ME but he just wants to love and be loved. Like it’s not about ME, I’m just who’s here right now.
I also know he is still in contact with multiple exes and tbh I don’t even agree with it but I’ve just stopped even caring at this point. He will just say he’s talking about me (which is bs I know)
There are also actually a couple other red flags about this guy. He has dated people a lot younger than him and I’ve told him this is wrong (not underage but 18) and he literally doesn’t seem to understand. He also has completely opposing political views to me and “doesn’t agree” with non binary and trans people (???) which really irritates me. He also can be pretty ableist. Like I’ll say I’m struggling with my mental health or socially and he will just say “get up earlier” or “just get over it”.
EDIT: thanks for all the advice. I think I know what I need to do. But he honestly is a sweet guy and he would do anything for anyone. I just feel like he is emotionally immature and not ready for a relationship. Maybe has an insecure attachment style. And I’d been single for a while so I kinda fell for the lovebombing.
I also agree he does lack a genuine interest in me too sadly.
40 comments
You’re dating a manchild to be honest and a person who doesn’t respect your boundaries isn’t worth it that too if he is a 30 year old grown up
It sounds like he’s treating you as a walking sex doll, honestly I’d dump his creepy ass
> I also feel super guilty because he generally does treat me really well; cooks for me, tells me I’m beautiful etc. I used to love it at the start of our relationship but it’s just too much now.
I already knew where this was going once I read that opening line. It’s fake and forced on his part and you know it and you can feel it. What you described has no deep connection whatsoever anyone can act those actions out. He sounds immature and is honestly disrespecting your space even sexually. You do know you can break up with anyone for any reason right? Do it and be free.
Male perspective here,it does sound exhausting, suffocating and very embarrassing to be dealing with him being like that in public and he is not giving you any space at home either. Just because he may be horny (or a sex addict) and you are his gf, doesn’t mean that he is entitled to your body whenever he wants to have sex. Can he not wait a few days here and there? It will likely feel better for you after that time, when you both have had to wait for it for a few days
Saying I love you 20 times a day very quickly loses meaning and I don’t think any of the happy couples I know so that. Same as giving you compliments over the top, sure you want to be told you are beautiful but not a double digit number each day. It should be special and not be forced and feel like a chore
Others have already suggested what may need to be done here, in order for you to be happier. Working with him will be hard to manage due to awkwardness and living apart, if you choose to end things, but it’s the lesser of two evils. Do you think it’s realistic for him to tone down his behaviour to an acceptable degree?
Sounds more like a sex addict than anything else
“He has dated people a lot younger than him and I’ve told him this is wrong”
That’s your opinion and one that isn’t shared by a majority of men
>I feel like he doesn’t really love ME but he just wants to love and be
loved. Like it’s not about ME, I’m just who’s here right now.
Male perspective here. I think you are on point here.
He is either affection starved or just unable to handle his emotions properly and also he’s trying to show off that he has gf now and he doesn’t really care who the gf is as long as he has one(judging from the public inappropriate touching etc). I’m ashamed to admit but I was in that mindset when I was 18-19 but luckily I’ve managed to grow up by making a lot of mistakes and also it took few more years before I was ready for having relationship.
Anyway he is not ready for relationship. He needs to grow up and understand that relationship is not only saying “I love you” and having sex, you probably have to sit him down and talk openly about what’s been bothering you and just put it on the table like you did in this post and you’ll see where to go from there.
When does he find the time to treat you really well? It sounds like he spends 100% of his time, ignoring your consent, trying to coerce you into sex, and making everyone around you deeply uncomfortable.
Your boyfriend sounds terrible in basically every way possible. Dump him before you both get fired and lose all your friends.
I’d start thinking about working on your mental health because it’s bizarre that you’d want to stay with someone like this. Please take care of yourself 💗
he’s a creep and immature
there’s no point discussing anything with him, he’s not listening.
Erm…not sure how to say this, so I’ll go direct.
Your boyfriend is not a good person. And he sees you as a sex doll.
None of this is good. The advice has to be to get out now. This isn’t a healthy relationship. You’re not a possession, and it pains me to see women being treated this way.
So you’re his sex robot and nothing more. Get out now.
Info: how long have you guys been dating?
Something about all of this doesn’t sit right with me. Before I can give any advice, knowing how long you’ve been together would be a huge help.
>At work he often is touching me, rubbing me, whistling at me, telling me I’m beautiful. And it sounds lovely but honestly it’s just too much and always in front of co workers. It’s kinda embarrassing.
>
>When we’re with friends he’s worse. Constantly making out, touching and feeling me and I say I’m uncomfortable doing this in front of friends and he just laughs and carries on. Like not taking me seriously.
OP, I see that you’re planning to break up with him, which is great, but please DO NOT feel guilty about it or be tempted to take him because because he’s a “sweet guy”. These actions above are NOT the actions of a “sweet guy”, they’re the actions of a guy who is contolling and they are at the very least borderline sexual assault. To put it bluntly, what he’s doing here is like a dog pissing on a tree to mark hsi territory. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your consent in sexual matters, and his behaviour with regards to your bodily autonomy is frankly alarming. I would be very careful about breaking up with him, and if you can’t move out when he’s not around I’d look at having a (big) male friend or family member around to support you if things go south.
He can be a nice guy all he wants but he gropes you and doesn’t believe in non-binary people? Whaaaa
“He’s a sweet guy” yeah no he isn’t, sweet people don’t hold hateful political views and constantly grope others. Or date teenagers when they’re 30 wtf. He’s a piece of shit OP.
Is the dick good at least? You don’t seem to have provided a redeeming quality
How do you mean he treats you really well? He keeps sexually touching you after you tell him to stop, including at work. He’s repulsive.
So he treats you like a fleshlight and ignores when you’re uncomfortable.
A good partner he isn’t. He’s a creep.
He’s emotionally immature, and you two aren’t compatible. Break up with him and find new living arrangements. And maybe work somewhere else.
“he’s a sweet guy and woukd do anything for anyone” … except trans people i guess.
Dump him, if you marry this guy you won’t be able to have any friends or make any moves without him glued to your side. He’ll isolate you because he”loves” you so much. I think he’s trying to get you pregnant ( no BC is 100%) so he can lock you down. Dump him.
Hugeeeee ick. Lack of boundaries. It sent shivers down my spine because it reminded me of a time I’ve been in that situation where you are “touched out” and need some space. This guy sounds like he prefers the idea of women versus an actual woman.
Uhm sweet people arent usually transphobic, they usually don’t date 18 year olds either. He seems like a very not sweet person. He must think of you as a really lovely sex doll.
It’s definitely not compatible, don’t stay just so that you don’t hurt his feelings, because it’ll be worse for everyone in the long term.
He is CODEPENDENT. He doesn’t want to talk about you, he wants to only talk about the future he wants. Eventually he’s gonna blow his top and blame you for any bad things that happens to him or blame you for not stroking his ego the way he wants. He sounds similar to my ex. Run, run, run!!!! The sweetness goes sour eventually then he’ll never want to get off the subject of how you are the bad guy who hurt him and he won’t even be able to tell you why he is hurt. He’ll just demand apologies, act like he never heard them and repeat the process till you’re emotionally numb. Run and do not look back. Find an emotionally mature man. This guy will go back on dating apps the min you break up and target another person younger than him in hopes they are naive to his codependency
Here is the thing with these types of people. They’re sweet until they’re not. It says he called you mean for wanting personal space. My bet is that he will start saying really rude shit in the future. The fact that he wants sex all the time and is constantly trying to have sex might end up with him raping you when you decline.
He’s acting like most guys over 30 who only date too young for them. Clingy, sexual, overly touchy and all the PDA to show other people he’s with you. This is dangerous. It never ends well.
OMG please let this one go. I’m 48, dated a lot, have been married for 15 years and what you describe is NOT a healthy relationship. You can do so much better than this guy. He doesn’t see you as a person. He sees you as his sex security blanket. I would lose my damn mind if my partner was constantly molesting me at home, in front of friends AND at work?! So gross. He doesn’t respect your boundaries. Doesn’t know or care to know about your hopes and dreams? Just no.
If he’s still talking to multiple exes and being cagey about it, he’s probably cheating on you. (At least through his phone) And the homophobia/ableism would be yet another dealbreaker. Just don’t date homophobic people.
It’s not your responsibility to fix him. Just walk away. I would however take a lot of the good insights from these comments and share them with him. As long as you feel like it’s safe to do so. If you think he might get weird, possessive, or violent, be sure to have a friend on hand nearby when you talk and break up.
Sounds like sexual and psychical harassment why is that your man. If you say stop the first time you say stop and he should be able to read body language and tell your not into it. You said no the first time he shouldn’t even try to initiate again.
Repeat after me: Always.trust.your.gut.
Obsessive compulsive disorder – I don’t know if it’s true or not but I’m sorry that’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I read what you wrote
Girl dump him.
It is NOT ok to continue to touch your partner, especially sexually, after you’ve told him to stop and need space. Telling you that you’re mean for wanting physical space is manipulative and fucked up. I’m not being dramatic here, that is completely unacceptable. It literally does not matter how much he loves you if he treats you like an object he can play with whenever he wants regardless of how you feel
He is carrying on because you let him. You expect him to respect your no, but clearly he doesn’t take you seriously.
Either sit him down tell him that you love him (if you do) but that he needs to accept that you need space to breath as well. Warn him, that you will no longer tolerate this behaviour at work, and that he needs to stop when you say stop. That he does NOT have your consent when you tell him to stop. And he would force himself on you.
Maybe even say this. when you want him to stop. “Stop. You don’t have my consent.” he might think that you’re just “playing hard to get” when you say stop.
Also call him out on his “your mean” comments when he says them. “I am not mean. I just need space to breath, or do you want to suffocate me?” – “but i just love you so much i want to be as close as possible.”
” but i still need space to breath.”
concerning all the other things. I mean…he doesn’t really seem to be such a great BF to be honest. Are you sure you want to stay with him?
He doesn’t respect your no. He doesn’t respect your person. Doesn’t respect you in general. manipulates you by saying you’re “mean” when you don’t do what he wants. and clearly has a lot of emotional and mental growing to do.
Sweet people:
-Are not transphobic. Don’t feel that they need to “agree” with human existing. Imagine that: human exists, without bothering him, he doesn’t AGREE.
-Don’t date barely legal teens when they are in their 30s, they know there’s a power imbalance based on experience.
-Respect their partners when they say “I don’t want to be groped in public”.
-Listen to their partners. Want to know their partner’s dreams and hopes for the future, are supportive of their dreams.
-Are not ableist.
This is not a sweet guy. This is a total creep, that knows how to cook.
He’s in love with the idea of being in love.
>thanks for all the advice. I think I know what I need to do. ***But he honestly is a sweet guy and he would do anything for anyone.***
Except respect your boundaries and not stomp all over you!! He won’t do that!
How do you write all of this out and still not know what to do? It’s obvious.
Long ago I had a friend with a live in boyfriend just like yours
She assumed he would let up after they got married
Three years into the marriage with 2 kids under 2 years old it actually got worse and he demanded sex 5-6 times a day no exceptions
They have been divorced for a long time after he got caught having an affair
Break up.
Or tell him he needs to get like three or four series hobbies or you will break up with him. Everyone needs their space.
He is trying way too hard and clearly has issues. You two don’t seem to match. Move along. He will flip out, but break up and cut contact. You can’t have him demanding you explain why. You don’t want any part of him after breaking up.
Sounds really similar to my ex! He said I love you within the first week, was pushing for a relationship super soon despite me not wanting to move fast, was constantly telling me how amazing and wonderful/beautiful I am, but it honestly felt forced and fake to me. I went along with things despite my own trepidation, and over time I did notice that he never asked me real questions, or made any attempt to get to know me. He also keeps in contact with a bunch of his exs/old FWBS.
I ended up moving provinces to be with him. Over time, the love and affection pretty much stopped, he started to subtly put me down in the form of “jokes”, and I discovered that he had been cheating on me with god knows how many people, literally from the beginning of our relationship. He then discarded me like trash, and he had a new girlfriend within 2 weeks of us breaking up.
I suspect that he is a covert narcissist, and it sounds like yours may be, too. Healthy people, with genuine interest in you, will take the time to get to know you on a deep level, they will respect your boundaries, whether physical or emotional, and honestly it is not normal to keep exs around. Narcissists will do this, as they need a steady stream of supply. Definitely breakup!