I (28M) started talking to a girl (26F) I met on bumble in Feb last year. We moved from texting to exchanging calls and video calls. We met a couple of times but she had to leave for official work soon. Things were slow, we used to meet once/twice a month (she was traveling a lot). During one of these conversations she told me she is asexual and has had 2 failed relationships because the guys were not okay with her orientation. I told her that I was a virgin and even though I’ve dated a few people I haven’t been in a relationship for close to 7 years (academics, hectic jobs, fitness issues – lost 45kgs in 2020/21). Also that a strong emotional connection is more important for me and her orientation is not going to be the reason for things to not work, and I meant it. We kept talking and meeting for a month (we were living with our parents and it was tough for her to stay out for more than a couple of hours) and then she ghosted me. I tried reaching out a couple of times and she told me she was not doing well mentally and wants to be by herself. I stepped back, but did ask her how she was doing once a couple of weeks. She reached out a month later and told me a few personal things that led to her mental health issues. She tells me I’m the most perfect guy she’s ever met but she’s not feeling it from her heart. She wanted a relationship that feels like butterflies but its just not happening. I told her I have a lot of close friendships and I don’t think I’ll be able to do justice to her as a friend. We chose to amicably part ways but she reached out again within a week telling me she was missing me. We started talking again, and she tells me she likes me only to go back to “she’s not feeling it” a month later.
By this time it was taking a toll on my emotional health as well but I was too invested to walk away. She asked for more time and I was okay with it. In December she tells me she’s really feeling good about it, and we had the perfect 2-3 weeks leading into 2023 (meeting daily for hours, heart to heart conversations, office gossip). I was aware of her asexuality so was careful around physical intimacy (hugs, kisses on forehead or hair, playing with her hands). In January she initiated our first kiss, then went on to tell me in detail about a hypersexual (a bit of d/s) past relationship that led to emotional abuse and left her quite damaged which she is still dealing with. It almost ended in them getting married but she walked away. I listened, but it was tough to digest. I had worked around my basic instincts to develop a bond based on a past that wasn’t true. My gut feeling told me she might not want me once she’s completely healed, and I spoke to her about my concerns, but she said that won’t happen.
3 weeks later, once her shift to her work location (same city I shifted to in the second half of 2022) got final, she told me she’s having doubts about us and she doesn’t love me as much as I deserve. I think I was in love with her much before the relationship started, and this incident took a toll on me and triggered anxiety. I told her let’s talk about once we’re in the same city. The day I was to fly I told her about the anxiety and she told me she’s there, we’ll handle it. By the time I landed she was out with her friends. She started her new job next day and we had to meet post work. I decorated my apartment with candles and ordered a cake for her new job. She went for an office party and got sloshed. I waited till 4am, then just told her it’s not working out and slept. She messaged the next day about how sorry she was and stuff, and if there’s any way we could resolve this. She came over at night, and started talking about how sleep deprived she is because of last night. I told her let’s just sleep and talk in the morning. She tried to initiate intimacy in bed but I politely told her we need to talk first (honestly, I was so emotionally drained). Next day she left for work then again went for a party. Didn’t come back at all. Ghosted me the next day. Came over for a couple of hours the next day to tell me it’s over because I am no fun and we are not compatible. Went on to tell me she wants a dominant guy as her partner. I mean we never even got the chance to explore an emotionally stable relationship for her to make to those judgements. I’m not sure what I did wrong.
It left me devastated. She tried to reach out a couple of times to check if I was fine. She apologised for being a horrible person to me. We spoke a few times but every conversation was about 10 new things about me that were not okay with her. Our last conversation was mostly about me and how she made me feel the last 12 months. I told her we need to be no contact. I don’t want her back, but this left me questioning am I even ready for relationships in general? All I did was try to create a safe space for her to express herself and I came across as a doormat. Have most relationships become this weird?
TL;DR – A girl (26F) I (28M) met a year back told me she’s asexual and followed it with a lot of hot and cold behaviour throughout the year. A few weeks after we started dating (end of last year) she told me about her hypersexual past and went on to dump me a couple of weeks later. Somehow this doesn’t do justice to the entire thing.
5 comments
> Have most relationships become this weird?
No.
She just a B. In my case the unusual type of person, in the other’s cases, they might be the usual type of person. Don’t make them your usual type. Learn from the red flags and find women that are genuine.
It’s great that you mentioned no contact, if you haven’t blocked her already, block her. She’s already brought you down and you need to start building yourself up again.
I’m sorry, this sounds like such an emotional rollercoaster and would cause a lot of doubt in anyone. But to an outside observer, it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong and this was entirely a her problem. She clearly is not sure exactly what she wants from a relationship and wasn’t able to handle her conflicting feelings maturely. It wasn’t fair of her to continue to give mixed signals to you for so long and the whole relationship just sounds like a mess.
I don’t think you’re “not ready for relationships in general”, nor is this how “most relationships” are nowadays. Sometimes you just find someone who isn’t ready for a healthy relationship and that doesn’t become apparent until later. I think the only thing you potentially could have done differently would be to realize it was too unhealthy and end things yourself a little sooner, but hindsight is 20/20.
She seems genuinely confused about who she is and what she wants, and she also seems dishonest. I am not sure there is anything you could have done to make it work.
Basically, this woman is an emotional/mental/social train-wreck. Maybe she’s a malicious person. Maybe just confused and/or damaged. No way to tell for sure.
However, no matter the reason, she is NOT the one for you.
Her behavior is not normal, not common, and not something to be expected. There all kinds of women out there, looking for all kinds of men. You just be the best “you” that you can be and let the chips fall where they may. Don’t overthink this. Its HER not YOU.
That being said, you are a man, and should ensure you are expressing your masculinity in whatever manner you find appropriate. It doesn’t have to mean dragging your knuckles and starting bar fights. But do be active, “going places”, and have some goals.
You should look at the bpdlovedones subreddit. Not diagnosing, but some of the experience sounds similar to what people post on there.