I, (F20) let’s call me Marie and my boyfriend (M21) let’s call him Brian, have been together just over 8 months/since august 2022. We clicked from the word go and have never argued about anything important, only little funny disagreements. Every time I meet up with him its like time goes super quick as we are always laughing or joking and I am not afraid to call him my best mate. BUT, in November 2022 he introduced me to his closest friend, let’s call him Rob (M21) and his girlfriend let’s call her Becky (F20). Rob and Becky have been together just over two years I think and Rob and Brian have known each other since they were 4 years old. So Brian invited Rob and Becky to meet me and allow us to get introduced properly in person. Brian told me that they were super nice and that I had nothing to worry about (I tend to get nervous meeting new people as I would say I am introverted until I get to know you). We met at a local pub and this is where it goes downhill.
Rob and Becky sit opposite me and Brian and take out an envelope with Brian’s name and a drawing of a male body-part. Brian and I were really confused but all Becky and Rob asked him to do was open the letter. I sat in horror next to Brian as the letter not only objectified me as a woman but celebrated the fact that my boyfriend was no longer a virgin. Below are some quotes from the letter:
‘Congratulations to you, you (redacted) a woman’
‘Here are some tips:’
Tip 3) ‘(Consensually) Smack a (b word) up’
The whole meeting was them celebrating the fact that my boyfriend lost his virginity and that I was nothing more than the first person he had s*x with. I have never felt more invisible in my life. My boyfriend has expressed to me that they obviously meant well. But to me I don’t understand how this could mean well, especially since this is the very first time that i met these people. So shortly after this meeting i asked Brian to message Becky in the hopes that we could talk it through. Becky said to Brian ‘if Marie wants an apology she can ask me herself, its not my fault if shes traumatised or something, I found it funny and thats how it was meant to be’. I found her unwillingness to apologise really disrespectful and it continues to make me feel small.
Moving on to today, April 2023… we found the card hidden away amongst boxes and honestly all this time I have felt uncomfortable with the fact that Brian still continues to consider these people his friends and I really cant continue. i feel like the card and their humour is blatant disrespect to me and my private life, as well as Brian’s.
Brian and I have been discussing it and today I really had enough, I had a breakdown because of how its been making me feel for months knowing that he is still in contact with these people and he hasn’t really said anything more at all about it since I asked him to try and get Becky to at least acknowledge my point of view, shortly after it had happened. Brian has floated the idea of trying to get them to speak to me about it again but honestly after last time and their blatant unwillingness to even acknowledge me personally Im really not sure what I can do in the meantime. He did float the idea of taking time away from his friendship with Rob and Becky but obviously I don’t want to encourage him to break up one of his longest friendships but knowing that he is in contact with people that have treated me this way especially on the first meeting, makes me uneasy.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂
2 comments
Nothing you can do.
I had a friend of my ex husband giving me a dildo as a birthday gift first time we met, in public. Our marriage ended up 3 years later, because I found out he was cheating on me and got another woman pregnant….with her help/coverage.
So I learned that if someone doesn’t know how to set boundaries, then they aren’t good enough for keeping what I see as important in a relationship. I never asked him to stop seeing her not to fight with her, all I wanted was an apology for her unthoughtful atittude. Later, I found out that THAT was EXACTLY her intentional atittude.
You shouldn’t have to meddle in his friends’ group. He should be the one who intervenes in your name because that’s his group. But he probably doesn’t know how to create boundaries, and imo that’s a bad thing.
It looks like he’ll pick his weird, gross, disrespectful friends over you. He defended them at your first meeting and he has continued to do so.
I say the ship has sailed with expecting him to do anything about it.