Spouse believes he has HPV

39 comments

1. > Now he’s concerned I think he’s cheated and is telling me I can leave our marriage without a fight because I will never trust him again and that this will always be an issue. His words were “I’m a monster” and “this is going to tear our family apart” and “I’m going to lose my family over this”.

   This seems like a pretty big overreaction from someone who thinks he will be *accused* of cheating. This sounds more like the reaction of someone who *was* cheating and is frantically scrambling for an excuse.

   If he truly didn’t cheat, he would be just as confused as you are. He wouldn’t be scrambling to come up with a million different contradictory excuses.

   I would focus on your own health right now and take some time to think. Don’t make any rash decisions. Don’t give him any hard answers.

   And for the love of God, don’t let him confuse you with his rambling and scrambling. Oftentimes that’s the goal with people like him – he wants you to feel confused so that he can more easily manipulate you. You know in your heart what the most likely answer is.

   Take care of yourself, OP.

2. maybe get it tested to find what it really is before jumping to anything ???

3. I am fairly sure I got HPV from my husband years after we started dating (but weren’t married yet). He didn’t try and deflect he just said he’s sorry and helped me through my colposcopy every year until my body cleared the HPV. But honestly I could have gotten it from my cheating ex and it just never caused symptoms until years later. I don’t really know.

   Here’s the thing all warts are HPV, the type of HPV is what causes cancer (kinda like how covid is SARS but a different strain. So they share symptoms but also are different). It’s possible that the warts are just common warts and aren’t sexual, even if he got them after marriage.

   For me it’s not that he has HPV it’s how he’s acting that’s weird. Which maybe he’s just a high strung person and catastrophes a lot. Like at the start of covid I was feeling a lot of stress and made a very simple mistake at work that my boss didn’t even reprimand me for. But my mind just went “you’re going to lose your job. Which means you’re going to lose your house. Which means you and your family are going to end up on the street. Which means you’re all going to die.” The reality was everything was fine but my mind wouldn’t shut up. I’m not normally like that but covid and riots were just maxing out my coping skills and the mistake was just the last thing. So if this sounds like your husband that could just be him expressing his anxiety, or he could be cheating.

   I think you know your husband and you know which is the more likely truth

4. He definitely cheated.

5. Strain for warts and strain for cancer are different. Cancer strain has no warning signs on the genitals. Get the cancer vaccine.

6. Ok, so a few things here:

   1. His reaction is very fishy, especially him preemptively telling you you can leave.
   2. A massive number of people in our generation have HPV; they typically don’t test men for it and many people have it and are unaware.
   3. If you haven’t already, there is no reason not to get the HPV vaccine, which protects against the strains which cause cancer.

7. Unless I’m mistaken, something like 75% of sexually active men and women will get HPV at some point in their lives. With about 10% of them, it never goes away and can pop back up at some point in their lives.

8. It sounds like he cheated. That would be it for me.

   Get yourself vaccinated if you haven’t been already or are due for a booster. Not for him, but for your next boyfriend.

9. A lot of people get in in their teens and don’t even know. Condoms do not protect you from HPV. All you need is sexual contact. They don’t start testing women in til they’re in their 30s because it usually is dormant until then.

10. This is not to take away from your experience and/or trauma, as your feelings are valid. …but almost everyone who has had more than 1 sex partner HAS some strain of HPV. It is *that* common. And yes, it absolutely can lay dormant in your system is you’ve got decent immunity.

    It generally takes a few years for cells to turn precancerous from HPV, so as long as someone is being seen yearly by their doctor and being tested for it, it is treatable before it becomes an issue.

    We need to stop treating this STI the same way as other STIs. I say this only because as patients, you have no control over healthcare protocol. As long as our health systems don’t call for regular test and treat for both men AND women, this will continue to spread at the rapid rate it’s spreading now. Bottom line.

    If someone has HPV, it doesn’t immediately mean they are promiscuous, it means they’ve slept with someone, maybe more than 1 person. And that could have been yesterday or 10 years ago.

    OP, this is my field of work. After reading this story, my greater concern is that husband states he no longer has the immune system to fight it to make it go away. It seems like he’s trying to tell you something bigger without telling you, (in my limited info opinion.) I can think of a few other diseases in which we see genital warts being such a problem due to low immunity. I would very carefully approach the subject and ask husband to get a full panel STD test WITH you, including HIV. That isn’t to scare you. It could be nothing. As I stated, many people are very uneducated about HPV- so maybe he’s genuinely just freaked out about that alone, but perhaps this is the gateway conversation to “let’s both get checked out to make sure we are safe.”

    I hope all is well in the end. Take care.

11. Just adding my 2c here

    I caught it from sharing(he used without permission) toiletries with my father in law

    He cheats often so we all had our things but it still happened I was accused of cheating for ages luckily evidence was found

    I’m not sure here but in Europe you get vaccinated for it I know for my wife it was 600€ or so about 17 years ago

12. I’d 100% make appointments for both of you to be checked before I react.

13. So, it’s not too late for you to go get vaccinated against HPV. The FDA has approved the vaccine for individuals up to age 45. Getting the vaccine could help with some anxiety about your personal risk. First and foremost I think you should protect yourself. It goes without saying that if you continue having sex you need a condom every time.

    He needs to seek medical treatment, because he “thinks” he has HPV isn’t really good enough.

    Have you flat out asked if he has cheated? Or do you think he’s just reacting to the stigma of STIs? Because HPV can be dormant for a very long time, it’s incredibly common, and if neither of you cheated I don’t see a reason to divorce. Just get medical treatment. He’s not dirty or evil, he’s just sick. This doesn’t have to be a major setback to your marriage.

    Though he shouldn’t have hid it.

14. Yeah he definitely DID cheat. That reaction is a guilty man.

15. 1. Get a pap test. You might have to push for it if it’s ahead of schedule. Explain that you think you may be at risk. 2. Get a full STD/I check with your husband. 3. Ask your husband explicitly if he cheated / when symptoms started / why he didn’t tell you etc. Hopefully you guys can talk calmly and go from there.

16. As someone who had HPV, I know the thoughts are so scary. The first thing is to go get a pap. Tell them everything that your husband told you and get a full panel of STI tests. He may think it’s HPV, but it could be any number of things. It’s hard to trust what he says.

    Have you had a pap before? They usually test for HPV during those.

    Everyone else has addressed his red flag behavior… go with your gut. You know what your gut is saying, follow through. If you need support, please send me a DM. This process is scary but so important.

17. HPV is super common. Unless you’ve both had past negative tests, Inferring infidelity from this is a fools errand.

18. He’s definitely cheating.

    I started breaking out in hives and my ex husband started freaking out. He suggested should get an STI test done. He came back with chlamydia and I was clean.
    He came with ever excuse in the book as to why he got it, and even said I must have given it to him. It was just overreaction that was a dead giveaway.

19. He definitely cheated and is preemptively gaslighting you about it.

20. He’s deflecting his behavior. Did you ask him if he cheated. He behavior towards you is a big red flag.

21. He does. So do 99% of men over 30, we don’t get vaccinated for it. Also I have never tested positive and always just insist the test is wrong. I’ve fucked a lot.

    This is all nonsense

22. Uhhh if he knew he had it before you two started dating, it’s SO fucked up that he didn’t tell you. Yes most people have it, but he listened to everything your mom went through and Nothing occurred to him???

    And then to think it magically went away and try to blame YOU for it coming back? That’s a level of magical thinking I don’t think I could get over. This is not a logical or dependable person.

23. So his all over responses could just be from panic. Not necessarily because he cheated, but because of guilt and anticipation of your fear, and anger, and anger towards himself. I don’t know but it all sounds like a mess. I would try and both of you calm down and with resting heart rates try and talk it out.

    Questions

    When did you suspect that you might have HPV?
    Had you ever had any suspicions before that?
    Have you ever had genital warts?
    How do you think you could have contracted it?
    Have you had any partners that you think or know might have been infected?
    Do you want a divorce?
    Do you think we should divorce?
    Do you think you could forgive me for an infidelity?
    Do you believe I could forgive you for an infidelity?
    If one of us had been unfaithful, do you love me enough to commit to the hard painful work of reconciliation?

    These questions answered should get you enough info to pursue the conversation on your own.

24. So I’m seeing you jump very eagerly to believing that perhaps he’s just catastrophizing, or anxious, etc. Which I get. It’s always the first instinct to desperately want to believe them, even when you have proof they’re lying. But..here’s my take.

    He cheated. He’s been cheating. It’s not new. Giving you the “believe me or leave me” ultimatum (because that’s what it is, no matter how he tried to frame it as him being altruistic), is not because he’s thinking of you. It’s because he doesn’t want to take accountability, he doesn’t want to have to “deal” with the hassle of it all, and he definitely doesn’t want it to get out to everyone he knows, and impact his reputation.

    He knows that if you stay, you will continue to suspect, you will start questioning things, you will start looking into things that you never paid attention to before, you will probably want answers and possibly outside perspectives, counselling, to ask friends/family their thoughts, if they’ve noticed things, etc…and you will find out.
    He is exhausted thinking about all that coming hassle, and terrified and panicking at how you are going to fuck up his whole life by outing him, so *just fucking believe him and leave it alone forever, or fine, just leave so he doesn’t have to deal with all the complicated bullshit that comes with dealing with the fallout. Don’t make him actually deal with it.* I feel like if you choose to stay, and try to talk about this in the future, you’ve got a conversation like this coming your way: “Just fucking go then, I don’t want to deal with this anymore. You CHOSE to stay, so let it go and just go back to normal. I’m not going to talk about this and let you guilt me anymore! I knew your suspicions would ruin our marriage and drive us apart!” While never actually addressing any of your questions or answering anything.

    He knows that you will *eventually* find out so much that you *will* leave him, but there will be no doubt as to why. You will have found solid, provable evidence that will destroy his reputation. He will no longer be able to play the victim and frame the dissolution of your family as *your* fault by saying, “well she suspected cheating with NO PROOF but I wanted her to be happy so I let her go.”

    He knows his entire life is about to be blown up and he’s desperately trying to stop you from looking any further.

25. I have HPV, even though I got the vaccine. There’s ways to get it that aren’t penetrative sex. But the fact he’s so adamant that he didn’t cheat is a liiiiiittle bit of a red flag.

26. His behavior is so deeply suspect here – to me it seems like he cheated on you, and he was comfortable enough inflicting the same misery that your mother is going through on you that he didn’t care enough to share his possible HPV status with you.

    Either way, the things he is saying about your relationship are manipulative. They are *intended* to be manipulative – he’s putting himself in this pathetic situation, putting these words in your mouth, because what you are *meant* to say in response is ‘no, of course I’m not leaving, of course I still trust you.’ He wants you to fawn, which you’ve said is something you already struggle with in conflict-heavy situations.

    If you haven’t already gotten the HPV vaccine, please get it. Either way, in your position, please make an appointment with your gynecologist, share your situation, and ask what testing or long-term monitoring they’d recommend. I would like to second the recommendation to get a full STD panel, and to take him with you to get one as well. You’re going to need to be the one to look after yourself in this situation, no matter what you do next.

27. Doesn’t a huge percentage of the population have it?

28. Hi. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

    I’m so sorry. Regardless of who did what or didn’t do, at the end of the day, your mom has terminal cervical cancer and my heart hurts for you.

    My dad passed from stage 4 metastatic colon cancer, and the day he died, I was told I had (essentially) stage 0 cervical cancer and I had to immediately get a LEEP procedure.

    I am so sorry you have to go through this with your mother. I am sorry that your mother has to go through this. I’m sorry that your husband “now” has something that can be extremely triggering for you.

    Please, please… consider getting into therapy (individual) or a group therapy for folks in the realm of terminal cancer. You can get a referral from your mom’s team, or you can contact the hospice near you and they’d be happy to assist.

    If you want to talk… I am here. I am here indefinitely.

    Ps: You are absolutely allowed to give up, for one day. Not every day. If you need one more give up day, you take it. Just don’t allow it to consume you or be a daily thing. Think of it as a “cheat day” during diets/exercise.

    People get sappy and “think positive” but at the end of the day, you’ve joined the cancer club and unless they’ve gone through it, they have honestly no idea.

    Sending you love. ❤️

    https://preview.redd.it/9nveu22c9lta1.jpeg?width=549&format=pjpg&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=dd9f91dcf967066022237d8142b393fe7678fecf

29. It’s called guardasil 9. It’s cheap. Get it.

30. At this point, everything is just supposition. He needs to get tested first. It could be HPV. It could be nothing. It could be a different STI altogether.

31. Different perspective here. What he’s saying could be panic because he doesn’t understand why this is happening because he hasn’t cheated on you but is mortified you think he has. Makes sense to me.

32. Based off what I read, he’s cheated on you. Him even suggesting you gave it to him is a lie. It hasn’t been dormant, he JUST found out he got it! Most important thing you need to do is get tested right away, & then you guys need to have a heart to heart bc I’m almost 99.9% sure he’s cheated! Sorry🤷🏻‍♂️

33. He needs to first answer the question “has he cheated on you?” If the answer is yes, then you have a decision to make. That is if you want to remain married to him, or not. The way he has spoken, there is a likelihood that he has cheated on you, became infected with HPV, and has exposed you to it.

    He has spoken from a position of defending his guilt about having HPV, because he knows how and when he got it. Genital Worts is an STD. While it is possible that he was infected before meeting you, he has not acted like this is the case. Your task now is to find out if he has cheated on you. If he has, consider if you want to remain in this marriage. Personally, I wouldn’t.

34. We ALL have HPV.

35. I think he’s already cheating for a while but only wants to leave now He didn’t want to be the one to bring it up so he was hoping you to do so by telling you now not earlier.

36. It sounds like he is cheating or did cheat. The way he responded is just strange and seems like he is trying to hide something.
    Get tested ASAP

37. Former STD/HIV worker here. I am not going to address the relationship issues here, that is for someone with an entirely different expertise.

    The reason why the CDC has recommended the HPV vaccine (giardiasil) for people at age 12, is because most people have been exposed to it once they have started having sex. It can lay dormant for many years, then stress or some other factor causes it to become active.

    When the vaccine became available, it was recommended for children aged 12 to get the first dose. Those older were the “skipped” group, those already sexually active had already been exposed.

    Anyway, I digressed, my apologies for that, but for those of you thinking of having children, or those who already have children, you may consider the vaccine for them.

38. I seriously wish they taught this in school. I was clueless until I has an abnormal pap smear at 32yo

39. My dad got HPV several years ago. It presented with flu like symptoms at first. Then a lump formed in his throat. That’s when he got checked. With men it typically starts out in the throat.
    Honestly this sounds more like HSV 2. Regardless he needs to go to a doctor and see if it’s HSV 2 and start on antiviral medication. Also get checked for HPV and if he doesn’t have it I strongly suggest that he gets the vaccine to protect himself and you as well. Trust me you don’t want HPV. My dad passed away two years ago this May after going into remission for a year and then the cancer came back as non small cell lung cancer. It’s horrible.