I was hanging out with my BF at his place and he was super busy with tasks. He just wanted me to just hangout, watch TV, or sleep. But it felt weird to just do nothing while he was busy with work and things. To help me with wanting to feel useful, he asked if I wanted to do his laundry so I can feel like I was doing something. I told him that was wife duties, and I was not his wife. Thinking about it now, was saying that disrespectful??
Edit: thank you all for your feedback! BF and I hung out today and I apologized for my comment. He thought nothing of it and told me not to worry about little things. We joke with each other a lot and take things light heartedly.
48 comments
Well, it’s a small thing, but it probably showed a lot. Think of it this way, dating is like a trial period of who this person is and do you want to marry this person. The question is, do you want to marry this person? If so, then there’s work and some adjustments that will need to be made. Show them you are willing to put work into a relationship, and you expect the same weather I’d be big or small. That’s what I think, at least.
Not disrespectful but stupid if you intend on marrying him one day. The idea that you start to do husband and wife duties after getting married is so dumb
WTF. That’s not even wife duties. Wife doesn’t mean slave or maid.
Tell him to do his own laundry.
You’re not wife material it seems
If you were serious about it, I can see it sting him a bit. If it was a light-hearted half joke, then it’s probably fine.
You should talk to him about it see how he feels.he might hold that comment against you
It’s not disrespectful but no less dumb. It’s your boyfriend, not some random. Would you never do his laundry or cook or clean if you were to marry. I used to help fold my wife’s laundry when we were dating (she would wash her clothes at my house since I had a washing machine). I would work on her car, and fix stuff at her house.
I’ve always been husband material because I don’t think that’s what a husband does and this is what a bf does. I’m here to assist my partner. Apparently you still haven’t figured out what kinda wife you want to be. Or maybe you don’t like him as much as you thought.
This guy was probably vetting you for red flags, and you displayed several. You showed him you’re disrespectful, quarrelsome, and unhelpful. In a way you did him a favor by being honest though, now he knows you’re not really wife material.
Showed him ur true colors. Hope he understands u are not worth and dumps u. If you had any feelings for him, you would want to help him out or at least join him doing ‘husband/wife duties’ just to spend ur time together.
Yes. That was disrespectful.
Wife doesn’t make you marrying you. Wife makes you doing wife duties before being wife. For husband applies too. If he was busy with work and asked you, hopefully nicely, to do something, you should’ve done it. He might now thinking if you are worth marrying, for example. Go talk about it with him
It’s disrespectful that he was making himself busy with tasks while you were there. You aren’t his wife and if he needed to be doing stuff, why not just hang out another time? (But also it’s not a wife’s responsibility to mother her husband, these tasks should be shared).
I can’t be the only one that read the title and said “Amen?” afterwards. 😂
Lol of only 4 months?
And it’s not even wife duty.
The first red flag is him asking you to do his laundry. He couldn’t have you watch tv or something? If he didn’t mean that as a joke, it’s kinda weird.
But, I get what you were saying. You could’ve said you just didn’t want to do his laundry without inserting the whole not his wife part.
What if you looked at it as helping your bf out instead? If he’s also a friend and you’re at his house doing nothing, how does helping him do something he needs done hurt anything? It doesn’t have to be an insult for him to ask you to do his laundry. It’s also not disrespectful for you to decline. Would you cook dinner if he were busy and it was close to time to eat? What are wife duties, exactly? IMO they aren’t that far from gf (or bf) behaviors. I was married for 20 years. Before we got married he helped me around my house often. He was a soldier so his “house” was the barracks but I washed his car for him on occasion and cooked his favorite foods whenever he asked. Give and take can happen in all relationships regardless of labels.
Idk. Why did he invite you over just to not hang with you.
You were unnecessarily mean. I would apologize. Doing someone laundry isn’t a wife duty. Maybe one day when u r busy, he’d do yours. It’s abt team work.
Should have said “mother”. Also.. why can’t he do his laundry? That’s a 🚩🚩
I think the comment was out of pocket. You literally asked for something to do to feel useful, he came up with something and your first response was to attack it with that statement. And trust me the “wife duties” game is not something you want to play, because if he is a good boyfriend I’m sure he does a LOT of “husband duties” for you. So don’t draw those lines and then wonder why your boyfriend doesn’t go out of his way to help you with things after this.
I don’t think it was so disrespectful to stand your ground on some issues. But I don’t think he meant it as a way to get you to do his chores for him.
When I hung out with my now ex and we practically did nothing. We just enjoyed doing things together that we did in our lives routinely alone. Watch TV. Clean, walking dog. I just think there is a scenario where he’s thinking “oh fuck, I don’t want to bore her, quick, think of something she could do, clean together? Oh shit that’s be cute”
I mean, you WANTED to help him but then told him off in a disrespectful way. There are better ways to word things. I’ll leave it at that.
I would say it is. Your bf was busy with a lot of stuff it seems and since you were doing nothing, he asked if you could help him. What’s wrong with that? He’s not making you responsible for doing his laundry, but what’s the problem with helping him with it, especially if he deserves it and treats you well? Husband and wife duties don’t start after your married, you would have to show you are marriage material before that. Plus I’m sure in a reverse situation if you asked your bf to do/help you with something (maybe it would pertain to something masculine, paying for a date or lifting something heavy) and he said “I’m not your husband”, I would say that’s disrespectful too. Then again it depends on your relationship. Despite what other ppl may say. There are gender roles in our society for the most part. This doesn’t mean that guys can’t cook and clean and women can’t pay their share of bills. But what’s important is that you are a team, it shouldn’t be a big deal to help him out, if you are spending time with him, doing nothing.
Did you offer to help? Did he invite you over to just hangout and talk IE not clean?
You ask him how you can help out, then get salty when he asks you for help… make it make sense 🤦🏻♂️
Nope!!! Best lesson I learned from my first boyfriend. You cannot be mommy and wifey and a therapist on top of being a girlfriend!!! Set those boundaries early!
You were not disrespectful at all. Hang out later after HE’S done with work and tasks, and while he’s doing things that HE needs done, you do things useful to you and your needs. You stood up for yourself, and you should be proud. Always remember that if you stand for nothing, you fall for anything… like doing wifely duties for a BF of 4 months. 😉
I’m a wife and *I* feel disrespected.
Wow, I drive my GF places, I make her food, I do her laundry, I go grocery shopping for her, and I’m not her wife.
Is there like a not-wife union I should be joining here? I’m feeling exploited.
Not at all. Only people saying yes are men who expect a woman to do those things for him 🚩🚩
I’m sure if a woman asked most of them to do her laundry, they’d laugh in her face
Would you ask him to do your laundry if he was hanging out at your place?
NOT STUPID AT ALL, my bf expected me to do his laundry when I moved in and I did at first but then he STOPPED DOING IT AT ALL. I said fuck that and stopped doing his laundry, he was upset for a bit and I told him the same thing: I am not your wife, I am not doing a bunch of your chores when you don’t do your half already. He got over it and it was fine, I was **very happy I kept my boundary**
thats honestly kind of funny, did you at least find something else to help him with ?
Really? I would feel happy if someone I was dating asked me to help them out with their laundry. Especially when they’re busy with other tasks. 🤷♀️ hey, I’ll clean your house while I’m at it.
It’s not wrong what you said, but the intention behind it was confusing and may have come across as rude.
He was busy but wanted your company.
You were uncomfortable or bored just being there doing nothing.
Now did you tell him this? What exactly happened between “Not feeling useful” to him “offering you a task you could do aka laundry”.
It just seems like an unfair put me down for him. You could have offered to help him with whatever activity you chose. He also let you know in advance it was okay for you to just relax, watch tv or sleep. He didn’t even ask for your help.
So yes, you disrespected him and also hurt his feelings by projecting your own insecurities regarding marriage chore arrangements, or a fear of taken advantage, that you made up on your head.
I think you owe him an apology.
The main issue is that you created a problem when there wasn’t one to begin with and turn it into an attack.
It depends. With one boyfriend after one month staying on weekends at his place, I helped him clean the house because he was also very carring, so I didn’t feel used. With other boyfriend that asked me to help him clean his car after 4 weeks dating I had a fight because it was too much for me.
Would you do it as his wife ?
I point blank refuse to do the laundry of a grown man unless there’s a legitimate reason he can’t.
OP felt like she wasn’t doing anything and the guy suggested she do his laundry. If she didn’t want she could’ve just said no. Why bring attitude? Laundry? Really? Just say no. Why be mean? OP ought to apologize
How is laundry ‘wife duties?’ seems OP has some internalized misogyny herself🤔 meaning if she marries she sees doing laundry as her job?
Or did she mean doing a favor for your SO is wife duties? I don’t get it
So you asked for a helpful task, he gave you one, and you’re like “no that’s beneath me”. All you did is show your boyfriend that when you say you want to help, you don’t really mean it or think he’s worth it.
Only if you like having him around, was it a mistake.
I personally take more of the “traditional” woman role in my relationship. I enjoy cooking my man dinner, cleaning, etc. I started doing his laundry when he moved in with me 2 years ago and still do. I don’t mind, but when he expects it it’s a whole other thing, I do it because I enjoy taking care of my home. I think that if you want to do it, go for it. But, I agree with holding a boundary of “wifely duties vs girlfriend duties” if that suits you better. I could see him just being your typical guy and not knowing how shitty that sounds and he genuinely just didn’t think it was a bad idea at first. Explain it to him just so he knows your thoughts on it. It wasn’t disrespectful to say, but make sure he doesn’t misunderstand your feelings behind it and cause further issues into the relationship since it’s on the newer side.
it’s not nice of him to suggest you do his laundry in the first place, the natural response should’ve been letting you know it was perfectly fine to just hang out because he enjoys your company, and if he needs really needs help with the laundry he can ask your assistance, not for you to do it.. but hell no it’s not your job, and i also don’t feel like it’s wife duties. it was not disrespectful imo. you’re both adults, both can do your own laundry 🤷🏻♀️
I see there’s lots of mixed opinions here. Personally, I wouldn’t want to do his laundry either. I would do it WITH him but not for him. If I did his laundry for him, I would feel like his maid and I dont want him getting too used to it either then getting complacent and expecting me to do it all the time for him. So I would’ve reacted the same way you did, but would’ve kept the “im not your wife” comment to myself
I mean, you did say you wanted to be doing something. What else did you have in mind?
All depends. Do they do things for you?
So you asked to help out because he has other tasks?
You asked what you could to help him?
You asked and the response was a task that would help him but that’s too much?
Jesus…what a set up job.
Edit: didn’t see your update. Im glad the misunderstanding was talked about and you all came to a neutral place.