I’m 33 and dealing with some shame/self confidence issues. I have a long history of blaming other people for my own problems and am trying to turn this around.
I burned many friendships in college and earlier 20s due to my own naivety and unresolved issues (as I’m now learning).
Even though I’m an entirely different person now, I’m ashamed of some of my actions in the past. I know that it’s natural for people to drift apart as they get older, and it’s impossible to keep all of your friendships. In fact, it can be natural as you age and get different interests, move away, etc. Regardless, there are some instances that I still feel bad about. Whether or not it even impacted the other person at all, this is still something weighing on my mental health.
I don’t quite know how to approach this. The whole endeavor seems selfish, and there’s a chance that some people might not appreciate hearing from me. Should I just drop the whole thing, and if so, how can I move forward?
8 comments
Well done for realizing that no one is to blame for your actions but you. It’s a hard pill to swallow but the step in the right direction. On the part of having the urge to reach out to people you have wronged, I don’t suggest go that route. What has been done is done, nothing can change that. Make peace with your history and move on as the better person you’ve become. The best you can do is continue to become a better person each day. All the best dude!
Part of growing up is recognising that you and only you are responsible for your actions. Another part of growing up, however, is learning to forgive yourself. While trying to apologise to people might be a worthwhile endeavour, it is equally worthwhile – if, as in many cases, no restitution is possible – to simply honour the lesson your mistakes have taught you by not repeating them, by committing to do better.
Yes I have gone through this before. It’s almost certainly better to not apologise IMO. You may have done something wrong, but unless it’s brought up at some point just leave it, it’s awkward. People tend to just forgot bad things that others have done, and if they remember they will pretend to have forgotten to smooth things over.
It’s better to learn how to cope with the feelings of shame by yourself, with a therapist or a trusted friend. I like to write my feelings down and mention them to a therapist. This exposes the shame and nullifies it, however you can’t really rid yourself of it easily and apologising may make you feel even more shame.
I’ve definitely had this urge and I’ve done it. They all went well. The only thing, don’t reach out to people if you think it may trigger them or someone else.
Firstly great job realizing you’ve wronged people. It took a lot of pain and years until I realized I was being a bad person.
I was a total POS when I was younger. I screwed over lots of girls. Ghosting them or just lying to them/cheating etc
Never felt the need to apologize. I’ve thought about it but – why bother. Life goes on. They’re good, I’m good. Sounds like you have unresolved baggage. Do you really want to apologize or do you want to reach out to see what they’ll say?
Figure out *why* you want to apologize. Address that
Talk to a therapist – let it go. They aren’t thinking about you anymore brother.
I’m in AA and we talk a lot about this. One of the most important pieces of making amends is to not do anyone any harm or do any damage in making them.
If the amend is about making yourself feel better but the other person may not want to hear it or have written you out of your life. If you honestly think the other person will gain something from making an amend, then do it, otherwise, do not.
How many people reached out to you?
Thats where you will find your answer.
Literally just messaged an old friend of mine last night and apologized for something that has been weighing on me. It wasn’t major, just a dick move that I once did when I was really young (I’m talking I was like 13 haha!) Reliving some of my own similar painful experiences made me remember that I did that to him, and I felt shitty that I made him feel the same way at one point. He said he didn’t remember, but appreciated the apology regardless.
Edit: I’ve been in therapy and am becoming very self-aware. Reflecting on my life and the person I am/was. It’s bringing up a lot of stuff.