This post involves me M26 and my girlfriend F24.
We have been together for 2 years. Things have been very good and intimate until now.
My girlfriend has talked a couple times to this guy at the local bar. They have had (drunk) deep talks about feelings and he seems like a sad guy. My girlfriend loves these kind of talks, and i dont talk much about feelings.
She told me he is so understanding and likes talking about feelings.
I have been introduced to this guy by my girlfriend, and i have seen the way he looks at her.
With lust. So i told her that the guy obviously wants to have sex with a hot sexy fun woman like her, but she dismissed me and said that she really dont think so. “He knew i have a boyfriend, he even met you” she said.
1 week later im at work, she is out with friends at that bar. My girlfriend invites everyone over to her place to continue the party, but everyone dismisses it except for this guy again.
She says she didnt want to leave him hanging so the two of them go back to her place. She makes him food, gets him something to drink and they continue talking.
After a while he starts hitting on her and stroking her on the back and on her thighs. She tells him that she is not interested but he doesnt seem to care. And still she lets him sleep on the couch.
(She told me it got very uncomfortable quickly and that she didnt want to throw him out or make it a big deal)
Next morning he leaves early without saying anything and she meets up with me to tell me.
I am mad because she invited the guy i spesifically told her wants to have sex with her back to her place alone in the middle of the night.
(He then proceeds to try to have sex with her) Im also mad someone acted creepy and inappropriate towards my girlfriend. Balancing these feelings is hard.
She doesnt understand why i am mad. Asking me things like if i am jealous. Then i get angry and cant even think straight. So i dont know if its a big deal or not. I dont want to talk to my friends or family about it before i get some insight from strangers on reddit.
Your thoughts about this is appreciated very much❤️❤️
German by the way, sorry for bad english.
26 comments
I don’t blame you. I’d be upset if my partner did that too.
But I guess what it boils down to is: you can’t control her. She can do what she wants to do. You’ve told her how you feel, and she didn’t respect your feelings. Where does that leave you? Does she often disregard your feelings or is this something out of character for her?
You can only control yourself. So you have to ask yourself if this is something you can accept in your partner. If you think you can work through this, then go for it. If you don’t think it’s worth it or you can’t move past it or it’s a trend and not just a one-off thing…well, you’ll have to decide what to do with that.
But fwiw, from what you’ve said here it sounds like you had valid concerns and she just didn’t take your feelings seriously, and I would be upset too.
When someone shows you who they are, you believe them.
Your gf has very questionable judgement.
If my partner went and hung out with someone who I’ve said I think has a crush on them – drunk, alone, in their apartment – we would be having a serious talk about our relationship. It’s just not appropriate.
And why are this sad drunk guys feelings more important than yours?
It’s okay to break up with her over this.
It’s a huge deal and massively disrespectful to you (and potentially dangerous for her) and absolutely worth breaking up over.
Honestly I would reflect on the dynamic. If she feels that the emotional discussion is so lacking that she is willing to put herself into what is a frankly absurd situation if he intent wasn’t to cheat says a lot.
On top of that for a girl that seems to want to discuss feelings she seems to lack empathy and consideration of yours. Like… you were right. You called it. And she continues to dismiss it, almost mock it, instead of really reflecting on why it is you might be upset some creep tried to feel her up on the couch you sit on. Like what does she think feelings actually are if she is so naive about basic boundaries.
You two just seem an odd mix. I worry that really all she is saying is she learned nothing from this, that in her eyes while it is bad he tried to sleep with her it was all otherwise fine and that you are just being emotional/jealous. In that sense really it is just a promise that it will probably happen again.
She needs to realize that 99.99 percent of dudes at any given place or time will be trying to fuck her.
That would be cheating in my book especially with his actions and her inactions. It is a big deal. She is and was wrong.
Listen, she doesn’t get it because she doesn’t want to. She likes the attention and interaction with him.
Move on to someone more mature, worldly or less hoe-ish.
Not sure why he had to stay the night. Let’s assume her version is true. Is she still going to interact with him? Or has she learned her lesson?
She’s acting very untrustworthy but you’re just going to trust that she’s telling you the real story of what happened. Bottom line, this guy’s feelings are more important to her than yours are.
I don’t think your gf wanted him or sex with him. I ABSOLUTELY think your gf loves attention from other guys. I guess it’s up to you.
Ok let me get this right… And please forgive me if my assumptions step on any cultural differences between US and Germany.
Your girlfriend had been forming an emotional connection with someone who obviously wants to have sex with her … She CONTINUES to form a connection that is making you uncomfortable and disregards your feelings.
Then she invites him over to her place, alone, just the two of them where he then begins to touch her inappropriately. Instead of kicking him out, she allows him to “sleep on the couch”?
My dude. She liked the attention, liked the connection, got drunk and they absolutely fucked.
End it and save yourself from any further bullshit from her.
Edit: that being said you will probably have to be ok with talking about your feelings. It’s awesome and a great experience with someone you love and trust.
Just not her.
So your gf let a guy come home with her, they both got drunk, and then he made an advance on her that allegedly made her uncomfortable and she…let him stay over? Where he could have come in an assaulted her while sleeping?
And you believe this?
Come on man. What does your gut tell you? My gut says they fucked. I think yours probably does too.
Mad? You shouldn’t just be a bit mad – she has most likely been emotionally cheating on you. You should be at the point of dumping her as she has no clue about boundaries.
If you are still willing to even stay together after this, she should go NC with that guy – otherwise you are just going to be putting yourself through torture as she continues to build an emotional bond with this guy. Best of luck.
And maybe show her some responses from your post if she is still acting oblivious to what she has done.
You told her the guys intentions >> she disregarded that
She put herself in the situation >> the guy showed his true intentions
She doesn’t even understand why you’re mad
That’s an absurd situation and she’s liking the attention from that guy hence she has been disregarding your boundaries and concerns. To me that’s the breaking point and it’s high time that you take a step back and analyse the relationship to see if you want to be with someone who is disregarding your concerns and boundaries and is okay to put themselves in a situation with someone who has not so good intentions about it.
It’s a big deal. You have every right to be upset, angry, etc. This is such odd behavior. This would never be tolerated in any relationship I have been in, by me or my partner.
>Asking me things like if i am jealous.
Oi, but she’s a reet shite, mate.
Drop.
What if the roles were reversed? What if you brought a girl home and she came onto you but nothing happened. You think she would be angry??? I bet she would!!!
I brought a pint of ice cream into my house, and I swear I didn’t touch it…..
I actually believe her everything she said. And fuck that, you deserve better. ESPECIALLY when you already made your feelings known about this guy.
Interesting she didn’t ask you to come over to her place after your work shift ended unless you were working overnight.
So your girlfriend brought a guy back to her place alone, despite you previously expressing concern about him him.
The guy then proceeds to try and initiate sex, but gets turned down. At this point she should have ejected him from the building, doesn’t matter about anything else he tried to sleep with her. He needs to get the hell out.
If she can’t see why you are mad, then she a serious boundaries problem.
I would send her the post or ask to send it to one of her friends that you trust, maybe they can talk some sense into her.
but at this point the fact she doesn’t get it and isn’t apologetic, is enough reason to break up.
Your girlfriend put herself in potential danger she’s lucky dude didn’t really push for sex. She has questionable judgment. She wouldn’t be ok if you invited some strange woman to your house and let spend the night.
Break up with her. She clearly disregarded your concerns and went ahead and did what she wanted anyways. This is a single persons mentality. There obviously some sort of connection between these two, so it’s best you save yourself now.
You know what happened, don’t be naive.
“He’s just a friend.”