To provide some context here, my SO is 31 and a virgin. We have been seeing each other for a couples months now and he is by far the most considerate and kind man I have ever had the pleasure to be this close with. He’s incredibly thoughtful and feeling and his communication skills are well above par. I am very attracted to him and he says he is very attracted to me and I have no reason to not believe him.
He’s never had a girlfriend before and he told me I am the first person he has ever hugged outside of his family. So I have also provided his first cuddle, kiss, etc. thus far. I have been trying to work him up to sex and he has been cooperative, but whenever we are doing something new such as taking off more clothing or me touching him or him touching me, he seems to be overwhelmed and gets a look of guilt and discomfort. I’ve been trying to help walk him through what he is feeling and he doesn’t seem to be able to really pinpoint it.
For example, last night I was trying to build him up to fingering me. I became fullbody naked in front of him for the first time, and he looked a little nervous but we were eventually able to just have casual conversation and start laughing about things. He gave consent that he was ready to move forward with trying to finger me, I put down the towel, gave him some reassurance that it’s going to be okay, and the moment he touched my vagina he pulled his hand back and said “Nope, not feeling comfortable with this” and he just kinda shut down for a bit and looked guilty. I gave him some time, tried to talk him through it, but he doesn’t really seem to know what the problem is. He blames himself a lot, but he’s trying to work through it. Eventually the mood lightened up a bit and he asked to fuck me with a toy instead of his fingers, since he figured that might help. He did end up using the toy and I enjoyed it a lot but every time I looked at him, he seemed in discomfort so I stopped him and tried to figure out what was wrong. Still not a whole lot of progress in terms of him figuring out what exactly he’s feeling or how to best work through it.
For some context on his sexuality, he shared with me that he didn’t masturbate until he was 20 and living on his own. He says he feels sexual desire, but has never had a “crush” in the way I describe with butterflies and thinking about a person a lot until he met me. He says he likes me with his brain more than he does with butterflies in his chest, which I honestly think is cute and I have no issue with. He masturbates about every other day but he says he does it more as a routine than anything else. He doesn’t really watch porn but he does say he thinks about me when he masturbates. He does not believe he is asexual, but is possibly demisexual.
I am not sure if I have entirely what it takes to help him through in the best way possible with his sexuality. I suggested to him to seek a professional who can better help him with the issues he is facing here. I am worried he might be unable to meet my longer term sexual needs, even if he does meet most/all of my emotional needs. He says he is wanting to work through it and I see the proof of that but I think he needs a little extra help. If you have any insight on this or faced a similar situation, I would very much appreciate any advice and help you are willing to give.
Thank you!
16 comments
When somome tells you they’re uncomfortable with your body and find it to be icky and unpleasant……**believe them the first time!**
Stop trying to *change* your boyfriend. He’s not some sexual prize to be won. He doesn’t like sex. He isn’t a fixer-upper house.
Choose to date somone who finds your body to be fun and exciting. Not somone who acts like intimacy is about as fun as getting a tooth filled.
If he found your body to be fun and exciting, all you’d need to do would be say a few words, exchange a few sly smiles, kiss each other, and start taking off each other’s clothes. It wouldn’t be a marathon effort. You wouldn’t need to spend weeks persuading him and sweet-talking him, and buttering him up before he’d agree to touch you between your legs. All you’d need to do was *ask*.
Slow down slow down slow down.
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist
You have been dating for only a couple of months. Slow down!
As a man who was a late bloomer I generally err on the side of sympathy for a similar guy, but it seems like there’s a *lot* of red flags here.
You’re asking about asexuality and demisexuality, but his reactions to your body read more like homosexuality. What kind of straight man, inexperienced or otherwise, is disgusted by the idea of fingering his girlfriend? The only plausible explanations for that behavior seem pretty unpleasant. Like, maybe his expectations about women’s bodies are heavily influenced by porn and OP’s body doesn’t match those expectations – but she says he doesn’t even watch porn. (Which is *highly* unlikely, unless he really IS asexual.)
Surely there is a middle ground you can find in between “men who don’t treat me well but are willing to have sex” and “man who treats me well but isn’t willing to have sex”, isn’t there? Unless you are willing to be in a very sexless marriage/be a gay guy’s beard, I think you should end things.
Stop. Just stop. Stop pushing, trying, ‘walking him through’ ‘building up to X’ etc.
He is a person, not a project. Your description sounds like someone trying to teach a neglected animal that humans are actually friendly.
If he wants to ***drastically change his relationship with sex***, that is on HIM and ideally a sex-positive therapist. He also has to be *both willing and able.* And those are very big ‘ifs’ that you are not equipped to help him with.
He needs professional guidance. Meanwhile slow down. It’s only been a couple of months. See if he gets the help he needs and if it takes.
Good luck OP.
I’m going to go against the grain of other redditors here. So your story immediately resonated with me a story about my kid.
Now, this isn’t sexual related at all. But, my kid gets overwhelmed in intense moments. So, like, we were watching that Jim Carry movie, “Yes Man”, and the scene comes up where Jim Carry is singing Jumper by Third Eye – my kid RAN out of the room screaming “no no no no no”. Only because of the intensity of the moment, not because they hated it or had an aversion to it.
I think he’s just overwhelmed. Anxious. He’s nervous about the fact that he’s 30 and lacks this experience and you’re watching him and making it into “a thing”. He’s nervous about what you’ll think. He’s nervous about doing something wrong. He’s nervous about what it means for him. He’s nervous about being watched. He’s nervous about the symbolism of you being the one to give him the opportunity and what expectations you’ll have for him.
I don’t think he’s gay or asexual, as others have said, I think he’s just overwhelmed. My advice, quit making it an event or a thing. Just tell him he’s got your consent and let him explore on his own terms.
This sounds like religious trauma. Guilt and shame. He needs professional help.
Is he from a very religious family?
I think you are doing a great job. If he’s a keeper, consider going to a sex therapist. Just continue to go oh so slow with him. Like he’s a damaged puppy.
Don’t be too pushy on it, keep making sure he’s ok and comfortable with it, if he doesn’t want to do it, don’t keep going, some ways to make him more comfortable is by turning off the lights until it’s pitch black, it can make him feel less overwhelmed, don’t try to lead to sex and take off your clothes when you kiss, you can have make out sessions that only end in holding each other
if you want to try to get into sexual acts, don’t make him do something to you like finger you touch you, if you want to make him more comfortable you should start by touching him and giving him maybe a handjob if he’s fine with it or grinding while you’re making out in the dark, never expect it to lead to sex, his comfort is the first concern, hold him, give him kisses, run your fingers through his hair as he lays on your lap, treat him well physically but please don’t make him feel uncomfortable, forced and pressured to please you or do anything sexual
Be patient with him. It takes time for someone new to this to open up sexually. Do not push him too hard, that would make him feel inadequate.
In the meantime, make sure you focus on raising his confidence level. Be positive, keep re-assuring him, and tell him that you love him. This is more of a self-confidence issue than it is sexual.
>I am worried he might be unable to meet my longer term sexual needs
It seems very unlikely that he will. I’ve never heard of anything like this with a man in his thirties.
Is he not willing to talk to a professional?
Is he religious? Could it be hes not comfortable with that stuff prior to marriage bc of it?
I can’t imagine a more stressful situation you could have created. For someone with a sex phobia, stripping down naked and making him finger you must sound like a complete nightmare.
I suggest dry humping with clothes on first and working up from there…
It sounds like your BF might fall somewhere on the [demisexuality/asexuality spectrum](https://www.lgbtqandall.com/what-is-graysexuality/).
EDIT – I know you said he doesn’t believe he is asexual but I think it would help to read the link provided since most people don’t really understand the asexual spectrum and think that asexuality just means no sex ever.
Unpopular opinion perhaps but he’s had at least 10 years to figure some of this out himself, and you’re 1. Not a sex therapist 2. Not sexually compatible with him right now.
Just a few thoughts:
It seems like you’re overthinking this whole thing. Maybe just slow down and give it more time. Try to not be so analytical about it and relax.
A sex therapist might be a good idea, but only if he wants to do it for himself, not feeling pressured by you.
Is there any chance he’s on the spectrum? Some of his reactions sound a bit like someone who might have a tendency toward autism or an emotional disconnect. That could explain some of this.
Whatever the case, he’s lucky to have such a patient, understanding GF. I hope you two get your things together one of these times!