It’s been a really rough year so far and I’m unemployed at the moment, been through medication induced psychosis and I might have neuropathy pain or fibromyalgia. I was also diagnosed with ADHD last year and on a waiting list for autism evaluation. So I might just be extra sensitive to things at the moment because of all this so I’m looking for some advice and hindsight.
One of my flatmates can be really rude and get in a grump when she’s stressed or upset. Rather than saying anything directly, she’s really passive. This is quite draining for me to live with because I feel bad ignoring her but I also don’t want to constantly be asking her what’s wrong. She’s funny and lovely to get along with sometimes but she switches up a lot.
Our new flatmate is really kind and funny too, but is also quite passive. She had an issue with some dishes being left out and went to talk to the other flatmate instead of me.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve noticed the two flatmates become more critical and judgmental of me through comments, awkward silences, leaving me out of conversations that are happening in front of me and I don’t want to be in our living space anymore. One of them, the grumpy one, moved my things out of sight in the lounge, made a comment about how offended she is when people think she would like women (I’m bisexual myself and she knows this) and ate my chocolate Easter bunny out of spite. I feel like I’ve done something wrong but I’m not sure what.
I’m a very direct person but I’m worried I’ll make it worse if I confront my flatmates. What do I do? Been having panic attacks and thoughts about moving out, but I wonder if I’m being too sensitive?
2 comments
Perhaps something like “*I’m not used to of living with flatmates, and I’m bad at reading social signs so it would be cool if you can just talk to me about things we need to get done or if something upsets you*”, and don’t reiterate it a lot.
It’s worth talking to them if you’re getting panic attacks by thinking about the unknown.
Oh thank you so much for your post! I had lived with flatmates for over 10 years in the past and your post has triggered some of my anxieties that I had when living with some of the more passive or passive aggressive flat mates. The previous comment about telling them that you’re not used to certain behaviours and asking them to be upfront with you is definitely a great start. It’s always best to be upfront and make a clear request based on what would help you navigate the situation.
Unfortunately it might also be the case that they will not change and that your anxiety will not get better. In that case be prepared to move out and surround yourself with people who are the same kind of Straight Shooters that you are.
I’m saying this because I had tried honest and open conversations with my passive flatmates in the past and for whatever reason, most often it has not worked and either one of us had to move out. Some people unfortunately never change and in that situation you might be forced to change the situation yourself and that could be moving out.
Also the reason I think that nothing might change is, based on your flatmates’ behaviours, they do not strike me as kind and self-aware people. So far they have been engaging in what I would describe as quite toxic behaviors and from past experience people who behave in such toxic ways do not change enough to allow for healthy co-living or friendships.
Good luck to you, I hope the health issues and stress settles soon.