I’m in my early 20s and I’ve never dated anyone before, mostly due to really low self-esteem growing up so I never asked out anyone I liked and would wait too long and get friendzoned.
Through counseling, self-care, working out, and pursuing my goals I’ve learned to manage my anxiety and built a ton of confidence over the past few years.
Recently, I asked out (in my opinion) the prettiest girl in church and she said yes. We went on a total of 5 dates. The first few were a bit awkward and tense but overall good and we had a surprising amount of compatibility in shared values, interests, etc. But she would act hot/cold over texts. Like either responds immediately and enthusiastically or ghosted me for days until I contacted her again. Red flag, but she always responded positively and wanted to keep going out with me. She is a genuinely busy person (full time work and grad school) and also has ADHD. I liked her enough to keep pursuing her and give her the benefit of the doubt, and I was careful to give her space and not come across as needy.
The fourth date went really well. We really opened up to each other and shared a lot of our past with each other. It was a very emotionally intimate time. We were clearly way more comfortable with each other and talked so long we got kicked out of the restaurant because they were closing. We hugged and she said she wanted to see me again and texted me as soon as I got home.
The fifth date was the best yet. We spent ALL day together: church, lunch, dinner and walked around the park in-between. There was clearly chemistry and sparks and no personal space barriers whatsoever.
At the end of the date I told her I liked her and wanted to keep dating her. She reciprocated, but said she was still seeing other people and wasn’t ready to commit. I told her that was OK and didn’t put any pressure on her, but that did upset me. I did not know she was seeing others, as we didn’t meet online and that is much less common in conservative/church culture.
After working through those emotions, I decided to set that aside for now and ask her out again. She dodged my texts for a few days, then called me. All she said was “I’ve been reflecting on our conversation last time, and have decided I can’t continue. But I’d like to be friends if that’s something you want.”
Really no explanation, and I’m really hurt as I really saw this going somewhere. Feels like a compete 180 from our last date which I thought went great. Honestly I regret nothing, but this just really sucks. Any advice to a late bloomer on how to deal with this?
5 comments
She explained tho
Christian girls can be thots too! Nah Jk , but hey just know that it was most likely not you and there’s not much left to do now except move on and learn from it. Don’t give the next girl as much effort until you’re sure it’s being reciprocated. Good luck you got this, trust me there will be more failed talking stages and as long as you’re being true to yourself not much to do. Her loss
She gave us an explanation. She’s still seeing other people and she knows you don’t feel so good about it. So her rejecting you is doing you a favor. Yall weren’t going to work out anyways. Sorry bro.
Unfortunately, if she had investment with someone else who made her feel differently, there’s nothing more you could have done. She was honest with you and that’s all you can really ask for in this instance, rather this than have her leading you on for ages without committing and not letting you know why.
Welcome to the world of dating 😀
Firstly, you aren’t a late bloomer. 20s is basically when most people start learning how to date and have real conversations . Before that it’s just messing around with girls from school/college.
And you are doing great from what I can tell. You asked a girl out, and you had 5 good dates. And it ended without turning into a messy/stressful situation for either of you.
What I find a bit odd is that you didn’t mention any physical intimacy during this time (sex, making out, kissing, cuddling etc. ). So I’m guessing she didn’t feel a romantic connection with you. Maybe you came across as too friendly?
There isn’t a magic rule about how or when to escalate things. You just need to get a feel for it, be a bit bold and go for a kiss. Some do it on the first date and some on the third.
Time it when you think it’s the peak of the evening, or when you are saying goodbye (and preferably without food in your mouth). If you are not sure how she might react, just ask her if you can kiss her.
And besides that, don’t be stuck with one person. Most people are dating multiple people until they have agreed to be exclusive partners with someone.