Women whose parents separated, how did it affect you and does it still affect you today?

8 comments

1. My parents separated when I was really young and my mom mostly raised me. My dad is a good guy and I became closer with him as I got older but out of circumstances partially out of his control I didn’t really even know him until I was a teen.

   In a way, it impacted me, but not in the way that I think it does for a lot of other people. I’ve never had “daddy” issues, act out, or attachment issues with men, but if anything literally the opposite. In a relationship, I yearn for a strong, supportive, positive male presence in my life who contributes equally. I’m in my early 30s and I’ve only had 4 relationships, all long term, and they’re pretty much my only sexual partners as well and I tend to be very “bonded” to them. Not in a clingy “you can’t ever leave my side” way, but once I’m comfortable with them, they become my “person” and they’re everything to me.

   I think, in part, this comes from seeing my mom. She made okay money and worked hard but she struggled to support me and my younger twin brothers and we lived in a very high COL city on top of that. She also worked a lot, was damn good at what she did, and never really dated (ironically she’s happily married now) so seeing her struggle without support kind of impacted me.

   It didn’t make me resent men, especially because my dad came into my life as a teen which was an important time in my life, but seeing her give her all motivated me to work hard for myself but also find someone that supports me too and we can support each other. It took me a long time to find that and someone who also genuinely appreciated and wanted that as well. I want to live a better life and be able to provide the same for our children the opportunities I didn’t have.

2. Parents split when I was 13 or 14.. my memory’s shot. My mom fucked around a lot, but she got primary custody for reasons unknown to me other than she “couldn’t live without her kids 🙄”. My dad hated her and for the rest of my life I heard the saying “don’t be a whore like your mom ” and other various trashy sayings . My mom worked & dated and lived her bsdm life very openly while we kinda fended for ourselves. By the time I was 15 to 18 I kinda did whatever from drugs to having 9 people living in our place while she was with her bf and working or at a bar, my dad had a vij [very important job] for our local county and saw us on his weekends and dated and vacationed and knew very little about our goings on . she wasn’t home often from16 on so people that lived with me Part time or did drugs with me got us food either paid for fast food or went to the food banks ans got us boxes of stuff .

   It affected some of my life choices, I wasn’t promiscuous, I had boyfriends but only slept with the guy I wound up marrying. I didn’t explore my kinks for a long time. I didn’t have kids. Ive had periods of my life without or limited contact with 1 of both of my parents. I’m not open about certain aspects of my life with people. I don’t celebrate holidays with family. My marriage is unlike theirs is so many ways because I saw how secrets or half truths or trash talking torn them apart and down as people. I don’t have credit cards because they wrecked theirs and never taught us bout it, I didn’t go to college because at the time when one would discuss school after high school my mom was very concerned about her own massage schooling and the county was paying my dad to travel and do schooling related to his job so I never pursued my dream job. I don’t speak to my father and my mother is pretty blind to the fact she fucked up by constantly saying she did her best she could and that she was always there for us so we speak but it’s limited.

3. My parents separated when I was 6. The first few years were hard because my dad didn’t help at all and my mom was pregnant. Most of the issues were just from a lack of money.

   Eventually my mom started making decent money and life got better. My dad was never a real dad. My mom asked for $300/month for me and my sibling and he wouldn’t reliably pay that. She paid for us to spend the summers with him and he ignored us when we were there. I’m not sure how much he contributed to the trips but I remember going up with an envelope of money. Everything we did came out of the envelope and if it ran out he complained about my mom not sending enough.

   Yes my childhood affected me but if I’m being honest I think being treated like I was in the way for a few weeks a year was probably better than everyday.

   I’m glad my parents divorced

4. My parents split when I was one, so it never affected me that they weren’t together. I lived with my mom but my dad was so constantly involved in my life and there was no “go here for a week and your dad’s for a week” my dad could come and get me whenever he pleased and would often come into town, knock on the door and just tell me he loved me. He was also included in all family trips (with my mom’s new partner as well as my dad’s partners) and my parents never spoke a bad word about each other. My mom hated living in a small town up north but vowed to not move away until I was a teen so I got to grow up with my dad. As an adult I thanked her because I think it instilled a very healthy self image and I think I didn’t have “daddy issues” where I constantly sought to fill that gap in my life. Unfortunately I only see my dad once a year now but he’s still my favorite person and we have a fantastic relationship.

5. my parents separated when i was a baby. my dad left my life and i only saw him a few times a year all the way up until high school. after hs ended, i chose to cut most contact with him. but it did affect my childhood and me now alot. as alot of you know, “daddy issues” can affect every little girl who doesnt grow up with a dad. i find myself going after older men and wanting them to comfort me in the way a father would. i was lonely and looked up to any man who would give me affection. always trying to impress my male teachers or managers. :/ idk alot

6. my parents got divorced when i was young and at the time i didn’t really think it had that big of an effect on me but now i realize that it definitely has. i have a very very hard committing in a relationship and at most times i would rather not be in one at all. at the same time though, i find myself having extreme attachment issues with certain men that i have let into my life and i cant handle being rejected very well. it ruins me for weeks or months at a time.

   i also cant handle arguments very well and the second a boyfriend is unhappy with me i completely shut down instead of trying to work out the problem and communicating my needs. i honestly just find it very difficult to trust and that alone has ended relationships for me.

7. My parents split when I was 16. Dad was having an affair with a woman he met at work. That same year I lost both of my paternal grandparents. This was when I was year 12 in high school (in New Zealand high school goes up to year 13).

   My mother rebounded and left the family home to move to a different province a 3.5hr drive away with a guy she met 3 months prior, leaving her 3 kids behind. I was pissed at both of my parents. Obviously at Dad because of his infidelity, then at my mother for leaving us when we needed her the most. And dad also moved his AP into the family home straight after my mum left.

   My sister was 13 at the time, and because my father worked sleepovers plus a day job M-F he was never home, except for the weekends. I had to cook our meals and basically look after her plus do all the cleaning. At 16. He would get home on Friday and drink all weekend, if the house wasn’t tidy, I would get yelled at by him.

   My brother was even more pissed than me and went on a downward spiral. I never finished high school because it was too much. I believe I was functioning on autopilot trying to keep things together for years until my sister and I moved out of home together when she was 16. My mother meanwhile was traveling the world with her new partner. I never got any recognition or thanks for any of this.

   Then in my early 20s I started suffering tremendously with depression. I resented my parents for their incredibly selfish actions and not acknowledging the position they put me in. The fact I had to drop out of school when I was such a good student meant nothing to them. I already had been diagnosed with depression before the divorce, but one day I guess it hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn’t handle it. I spent 10 years after that trying to work on my mental health and attempted unaliving a few times. My brother and sister both suffer from depression too. Thanks mum and dad.

   Because of this, I decided I never, ever want to have children. It gave me a little preview as to what it means to be a parent. I could not bring children into this world knowing that I’m not mentally strong enough to raise them. I still take medication for depression and anxiety but, I am nearing the end of my undergraduate degree, which I started as a mature student. I’m taking back my life, but shit, it has been an uphill battle.

8. They were like oil and water, so it was better for them to be apart. So I really didn’t dream of having them together again.
   I do wish they had co-parent better. There was a lot shit that happened, and we shouldn’t really be with the parent who had main custody. So there has been some resentment from me and my sibling towards my parents, and some bitterness all around. Part of becoming an adult is realising that your parents are just human and they make mistakes. And when you have made some of your own, it makes it even easier to understand and forgive.