I’ve been with this girl for around 9 months now and it has been amazing. We immediately fell in love with each other and although it’s a long distance relationship we both repeatedly exclaimed how it’s nothing but amazing with each other. Since January she has been studying abroad (1,5 hour flight) in a massive city, she always wanted to do that and I supported her realising her dreams.
She’s always been a bit of a closed up person when it comes to opening up about your feelings while I’ve been more direct with my feelings. Just 4 weeks ago I wrote her a message how much she means to me and how I miss her and can’t wait to see her again and she exclaimed how that’s the case for her too and how she is lucky to have me as her boyfriend. How she can’t wait to jump me when she sees me again.
Last week was my planned visit and from the moment I got there something felt a little bit off, she mentioned how she’s been a bit scattered in her head and how she’s been changing a lot lately. I specifically asked her what this was about and if it concerns me or her studies and she downplayed it immediately.
The next couple of days she seems distant multiple times, although I felt like we still had a really enjoyable time, having sex and saying I love you too each other.
On the last evening she then proceeds to tell me how she is not sure what she wants and that she feels like we weren’t talking a lot during my visit.
I tell her that I feel like she can’t really open up to me and I ask her if she really misses and loves me when I am away to which she replies “sometimes that’s not enough”. And I am just shocked. I ask her where this is coming from but she just continues to deflect and state how she doesn’t know what she wants, how “the city has changed her” or “I’m scattered”.
Now I am completely lost as to what changed with her. Every question I ask is met with “I don’t know” and while of course it hurts having your heart broken like that I just cannot deal with this uncertainty. She still tells me she loves me but absolutely no statements of hers that aren’t vague which fucks with my head a lot.
I wrote her an email telling her how all this uncertainty makes me feel, my theory being she just can’t say she doesn’t want the commitment of a relationship anymore. But I’m pretty disappointed that this isn’t something that she can communicate to me and I feel pretty hurt and confused with all this. The email also contains me telling her how much she meant to me and that I just can’t understand her reasoning for throwing it away while claiming to love me.
She also mentioned how she has a real problem with opening up and asking for help and that I should not wait for her to fix herself. She also briefly mentioned maybe trying therapy for that. Which makes me quite worried.
I am completely lost and don’t know if I should worry about her or whether this is just a normal breakup. All these vague and uncertain statements really make it difficult to get closure.
I am waiting for her response although she has mentioned needing “some time” for that.
My next steps are clear to me: I just need to give her time to formulate her answer.
What else can I do to make sense of this? I honestly don’t know whether I should fight for her or not.
TLDR: Girlfriend tells me she loves me but can’t tell me why we’re breaking up. That fucks with my head.
8 comments
Sorry to sadden you but she might have started to see another man.
It sounds to me like she just isn’t feeling the connection to be honest. You can love and care someone but the click feeling can fade, especially when long distance. I do think this is somewhat normal- I’ve had relationships that petered out like that, but I wil say her answer sounds definitive to me. Sorry you are hurting OP.
What you should do is give her the breakup and move on. This is too much drama too fast with a person that is too old to be doing this kind of bullshit. You dodged a bullet man.
Sounds like she moved and has realized you aren’t the one. LDRs are hard, and she probably wants something closer. The good news is you guys haven’t invested much, so hopefully the breakup pain will fade quickly.
It sounds to me like she found someone else. They may not be really seeing each other yet (or maybe they are) but that would explain why she’s unable to tell you what changed – she obviously doesn’t want to say it’s because she wants to be with someone else. She probably thinks telling you like this is the gentler way.
Also, it’s not unreasonable for her to want to be with someone local. It’s hard to love someone so far away and not have the frequency of time together, touch, sharing the small moments in life.
Move on.
Someone can love someone else A LOT, and still not want to be in a relationship with them. And someone doesn’t owe you a “reason” to break up other than “I want to break up”.
My guess? She met someone and isn’t sure which of you to keep yet. She is trying to distance herself but keep you on a back burner at the same time.
Move on. Be single for a little while, then try to date someone emotionally available.
> My (31M) girlfriend (27F) claims she loves me and then breaks up without telling me why. What can I do?
Believe her actions. That’s the truth. Her words are just there to sell her actions, or create confusion.
> What else can I do to make sense of this?
Get rid of any grey areas…no more “what if, maybe, what about”…if it’s not a hell yeah, it’s a no. Does this girl want to be in a relationship with you? If the answer was a “Hell yeah”, she’d *be* in a relationship with you.
> I honestly don’t know whether I should fight for her or not.
What does “fight for her” even mean? Abandoning your self-respect or waaaaay overinvesting? She doesn’t seem prepared to match your level of investment. Value yourself more and move on.