Am I crazy? My husband is grieving but went off on me last night and I stood up for myself and I’m the asshole.

42 comments

1. This is shockingly inappropriate behavior, what is the background here? In what situations does he “not realize” when he is holding your son too tight? In what other situations is he verbally abusive to you? Is this the first time he has acted like this?

   People are of course often short-tempered after a loss like the one your husband has experienced but his behavior absolutely crosses the line and you need to prioritize the safety of your two children and yourself.

2. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time something like this has happened; grief doesn’t turn someone into an abuser overnight, but that is what he is doing. He is a danger to you and your child.

3. >He is now saying I’m not letting him mourn

   Of course you’re letting him mourn. You’re not stopping him from mourning, are you? You’re just not letting him abuse you.

   You need to stand firmly against the abuse. If you need to, get away.

4. There is a book that really helped me called why does he do that by Lundy Bandcroft. There is a link to a free online copy in the resource library of this sub. I’m so sorry! Your feelings are valid! His version doesn’t matter. Keep your own reality and hold on to with dear life. He might be unwilling to admit or change his abusive behavior. You have choices. There is a podcast that helped me learn about healthy boundaries called beyond bitchy mastering the art of boundaries. You can change your responses to his behavior since you only really have control over your own behavior. I would also suggest looking up what DARVO is and see if that is a pattern in your relationship also. I hope you find good support for you and your kids!

5. He is abusive & a danger to you, your son, & your future child. You are not an asshole & he trusted you completely abhorrently – there is no excuse for that behavior, not even “grief”.

6. do you have anywhere safe you can go? you, your son, and unborn child deserve better

7. It is not acceptable for him to vent his feelings at you in a physically and emotionally and mentally abusive ways.

   Him weaponizing your past sexual assault trauma is beyond inexcusable. It’s absolutely disgusting.

   Do you have somewhere you can go?

8. Tell your husband, “you already lost a best friend, do you want to lost your wife and children too? I know you are angry and sad but I’m not your punching bag.”

9. Did he leave then? Did he drive drunk or get a ride? Where did he stay? Is he okay?

   This is very scary. I have seen people do some very wild/inappropriate/dangerous things when grieving. Definitely doesn’t make it okay, but some people lose it. Doesn’t help he was drunk either. That said, is this actually the first time anything like this has ever happened?

10. Holy shit please get out while you can.

11. > he left he said he’s going to go fuck his deceased best friend’s girlfriend.

    Just ewww…. there is nothing loving or respectful in this statement. So much disrespect to you and his deceased best friend

12. It’s never ok to hurt someone, particularly your partner and in front of your child.

13. If my husband EVER brought up my sexual abuse to drag me in front of my child he would be my ex. What a garbage person. Drunk words are sober thoughts

14. 

15. Share what happened with someone close to you. A family member or a close friend. You should never go through something like this alone. Sometimes it can help us see things from the outside.

16. This is a very bad and dangerous situation.

17. Hey girl, this is abuse. You are in an abusive marriage and it looks like it will only get worse from here. Please look up domestic violence resources in your area and get out ASAP.

    This is not normal grief behaviour, this is abuse. Your husband is not going to change. He does not care about you or your children’s feelings or wellbeing. And he is going to continue to hurt you and your son. If you need any support or help to navigate anything, please DM me. You deserve to be treated with respect and to feel safe. You deserve a partner who will do both of those things.

18. Look up DARVO.

    Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

    He can mourn all he wants – you’re not stopping him – however that is not what he is doing.

    Getting drink, man-handling you, swearing at you, using you as a punching bag is not mourning, it is abuse.

    He needs professional help to direct him how to mourn the loss of his friend. Abusing his wife and child will not heal this loss. Causing someone else pain will not heal his pain.

19. Textbook abuse. Leave him before he seriously hurts you or your children.

20. Well if you ever wondered how an abusive marriage starts look no further. Starts with excuses to be a horrible person, things they can latch onto so they can justify their own horrible actions. Eventually he’ll start doing it every time he drinks and it’ll continue to get worse until he’s calling you a dumb bitch daily and you wonder how it all it went wrong. If you stay, be ready for the pain and suffering you and your children will go through with this man. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

21. I can sympathize with losing close friends and stuff but he lashed out to you really hard. It seemed like his form of grieving was to hit at the nearest thing possible and cause pain to someone else.

    Don’t take this as normal but push him to get professional help or he is at risk by losing you, the family you two made, and probably hurt other people.

    I am also assuming there is a pattern of behavior with him and a lack of control when suffering.

22. This is legitimately scary OP, please take care of yourself and your son. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.

23. I have lost so many important people in my life and never once have I physically and verbally abused my partner as a result. He’s a man baby and using this tragedy as an excuse to mistreat you.

24. None of that is okay. Yes, he’s grieving. But someone with good character will still not be abusive even under duress. Depressed, sad, moody, distant…sure. His actions, his words, beyond disgusting and uncalled for and no loss or trauma would justify his treatment of you.

25. Yeah no, even just half of those things are grounds for divorce. Horrible environment for a child to grow up in. Grieving doesn’t automatically turn someone into a different person, nor does drinking. Drinking just exposes people for who they are.

26. Everything in me is screaming for you to get yourself and your kids far away from this person. File a restraining order. Are you able to submit the camera as evidence? I’m so sorry this is happening.

    Like others, I’ve lost people. There are no words. It can make someone go a bit nuts for a while, yeah, bit of a rollercoaster. But nothing like this. This is beyond unacceptable.

    I hope you’re safe OP. Please check in if you can.

27. >Our camera caught everything, and he still believes he didn’t do anything wrong.

    Get the fuck out, immediately. Grieving isn’t a pass to be abusive, he’s just using it as an excuse.

28. Fuuuuck no it’s not ok.

    I lost my uncle, my grandma, and my grandpa all within a single year of each other, 2020, 2021, 2022. I’m very close to my family, and that did not or does not excuse any of my shitty behaviors.

    While the explosive outbursts (if they are already not an established pattern or behavior) could be indicative of him grieving or being depressed… that does not make it ok. He needs to apologize and find ways to cope that ensure it doesn’t happen again. **Alcohol is not a great coping mechanism**, I hope his friends passing doesn’t lead him down a path of alcohol addiction.

    The shit he said is stupid and hurtful, you deserve an apology and you definitely **deserve to not be hurt, physically, mentally, or emotionally** by him.

    I’m so sorry he said and did those things to you. Even more hurtful is the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to take accountability for it

29. I was having these issues with my spouse. I realized I was so tired of having to ask an adult let alone the father of my child and my closest friend to just be nice to me and him not do it.

    If he is using inebriation as an excuse to say awful things and then saying he either didn’t mean it or doesn’t remember it or it didn’t count, that’s also worrying.

    He needs to take accountability. You deserve to feel that you and your children are safe. Playing in waste in the toilet bowl is a big hazard and the child could even tip in to the water.

    You deserve someone who is nice to you. If you’re posting here you already know better.
    Keep that recording. Don’t let yourself write this off. He will not check himself.

30. This isn’t what mourning looks like.

    This guy is a bully. And he’s bullying you because he can’t deal with his own emotions.

    Gosh, I read so many of these kinds of stories on this sub. Where people (mostly women recently) become the scape goat for a partner’s rage against the world. They are blamed, beaten and abused for it. It’s so unfair and so screwed up. It makes me want to really focus on teaching my future children the value of resilience and respect for other people. Just because you are experiencing pain doesn’t mean you pass it along to others.

31. I don’t care if he were in the hospital dying of a stroke. He has NO RIGHT to speak to you and treat you the way he did! Mourning and grieving does not mean he gets a free pass to be an abusive POS!

32. This is crazy and completely not okay. This man sounds dangerous, full stop. I would kick him out permanently.

33. That’s a screwed up excuse and I think you know it deep down inside. Grief doesn’t make normal kind considerate people into assholes, it just gives assholes who are assholes another excuse to play the victim.

34. > I went Togo to the bathroom and he left the door open and didn’t flush the toilet and I asked him if he could at least close the door because our toddler tries to play with the water.

    This really is a safety hazard–to prevent our toddler from falling in and drowning we set up a baby gate in the bathroom. As well as, not flushing is a sanitary hazard obviously. For him to call you a bitch for that is crazy. I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁

35. Holy shit! I got through the first half of this thinking yeah, he’s acting like an ass and lashing out, but he’s hurting, so give him a pass till morning, but no. No. No. No. No. That behavior is way, way beyond anything that is acceptable and drunk and grieving or not, you cannot turn a blind eye to what you described here. Even two months pregnant, you should give some really serious though about whether or not you really want this relationship to proceed. If he doesn’t get some serious professional help, this is going to keep happening, or get worse.

36. Get out. Get out. You’re not crazy, but he’s using his grief as an excuse to act like a bigger jerk than before.

37. Be safe, plan your exit.

38. I’m not one to jump on the “leave him” train, but this situation warrants it. This is abuse and clearly a pattern. Please get you and your son to safety

39. Mourning doesn’t give you a free pass to be abusive and a jerk.

    How would getting drunk and letting him hurt you by grabbing your wrist let him mourn?

    Maybe he needs some therapy or grief counseling if he is feeling the need to get drunk enough to become such a jerk.

40. Anyone who would weaponize the worst thing that’s ever happened to you doesn’t love you.

41. You are in an abusive relationship.

42. Fuck this guy.

    I have nothing else to say.