Hi all,
Sorry for the formatting. I’m on my phone.
I (30F) know I’m going to be the bad guy here and I am prepared to get roasted for it but I’ve made my bed and have to lie in I guess.
I split up with my partner (35M let’s call him Kris) in July after 10 years together. We have 2 kids together. We had our nice moments but he is an alcoholic and was abusive at times. He pushed me more times than I can count, I used to find countless empty alcohol bottles around the house and he used to very frequently wet the bed when he had a drink and then get up and move and leave me in it. I loved him a lot so I put up with more than I should have at the time.
We were going through a particularly rough patch and we’re heading towards breaking up when my birth control failed and I got pregnant. We starting sleeping in separate rooms when I was pregnant, initially because of his snoring (and wetting the bed when drinking which was always( We tried to make it work for the sake of the children but it became clear to me that it wasn’t going to. He was drinking more than ever and wasn’t working (he was unemployed for a lot of our relationship) and I was doing everything child related myself. The final push for me was in July when he drank too much and threw my work iPad across the room and then held laptop over his head and threatened to smash it up. I thought he was properly going to hit me this time and he kept saying he was going to “smash my f***ing face in”. I didn’t feel safe anymore so I ended up taking the children and going to stay at my friends house. We broke up very shortly after. It was not a nice break up at all and we ended up living together until January when I could afford to move out. (It was his mums house we rented, he refused to leave and I couldn’t afford anywhere because I paid all the bills etc myself.)
This is where I think I’m the bad guy. In September after a night out with my friends, I messaged a guy (28M, let’s call him Dan) I knew had a crush on my a year or so before. We had never spoken before on texts etc but he was in a local amateur dramatics group that I went to, so we had spoken briefly before and a few people told me at the after show for one of them he had a crush. To be fully honest, I guess I was looking for a one night stand to try to feel good about myself. (This would be my first) We ended up not meeting up but texting and starting messaging quite frequently.
Come October, we started to meet up and ended up starting to see each other about once a week for an hour or two. I never stayed the night etc because I obviously still lived with Kris. On reflection, I know it was disrespectful to start when we lived together but for the first time in a very long time i felt respected. When I moved out in January, Dan started coming over on my weekends without the kids and we are now in a relationship. It’s all been very secret so far because I am very nervous about what Kris will react like and because I know it is very soon.
I’m not sure what to do in terms of telling Kris any of this. My mum wants me to wait until September or so because she is worried he will go off on a jealous rage and hurt me. Other family members have similar concerns. I don’t live in the same country as them so I appreciate they feel a bit helpless. Dan has already been so patient though and waiting that long before we can go for lunch etc in a public place seems silly to me. Our families and close friends know we are going out but it feels like a dirty little secret that I don’t really want to keep anymore. I feel really happy with him and for the first time in my life, I feel incredibly respected and appreciated. My children don’t know anything about him yet and that’s obviously also limiting as he can only come visit when they’re asleep. We both work in Education so in an ideal world, he will have met the kids by Summer and we will be able to go do fun stuff together. I appreciate I might be best off waiting though.
Do you think I should tell Kris? Should I wait? When should I wait until? And how should I tell him? By text? In person? I am lost with how to navigate this. I didn’t think things would get so intense with Dan and we would end up together. I don’t want to hurt Kris. Despite our very rocky relationship, I will always care for him so much, he’s the father of my children. I am also a bit scared of how will react, and about what his family and friends will think of me. He knows a LOT z more people here than me and I think most people will assume because I moved on so fast that I was cheating or already messaging Dan, when this was definitively not the case.
tl;dr: Broke up with my abusive ex in July after 10 years, messaged a guy in a September and ended up getting together properly in January. Scared to tell my ex and get called horrible names for moving on so fast or like I cheated when I didn’t
4 comments
Are you in the process of divorcing your ex? Because your lawyer can advise you best in this situation, particularly because there was abuse and violence.
I would wait before making any announcements, not because of your ex but because this is a really new relationship and there are children involved who have already been through turmoil.
People who know your ex know he was an alcoholic. It’s quite possible people are wondering what took you so long. Either way, they are not the people you need to be worried about.
Lawyer up. Take their advice.
Your ex has no right to know anything about your personal life. He gave up that with his drinking and abuse. The only conversations you need to have are the ones directly involving parenting duties. He is clearly a garbage person who is going to respond poorly regardless of the situation so there is no point in doing anything that will delay your happiness and the progression of a healthy relationship. His opinion and his opposition to anything you do in life should have 0 bearings on anything you choose to do with your life. For 10 years he abused and manipulated you so now that you have gotten away and realized all the things that happened and how unacceptable they were why even acknowledge his opinion on things now? move on with your life, take care of your kids, progress your new relationship and let the ex act like the abusive toddler that he was going to act like anyway. Can you honestly say there would be any stretch of time between when you moved out and when you got into a relationship that losing that grip on you wouldn’t piss him off? Probably not cause abusers don’t care they want their victims at their mercy even years later.
It really shows how abusive the situation was that you are lead to believe that you are the “bad guy” for dating someone who treats you well AFTER you broke up with an unemployed, abusing, alcoholic person who you put up with for a decade before moving on. YOU DESERVE TO DATE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU WITH RESPECT.
Obviously the safety of you and your kids is of utmost importance. It’s further complicated by the fact that you can’t just ghost him, because you have to continue to coparent. There are domestic violence resources who can advise you on how to break the news safely. Navigating these situations is extremely complicated. I don’t think there is enough information in here to evaluate the actual risk here so don’t listen to anybody on here about how to hand the specifics of breaking the news/managing risk. Just speak to a professional.
Once you can be assured of the safety of your family then do whatever the heck you want that allows you to live your best life. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!
He’s your ex, you don’t tell him about anything. Other than being the father of your children, he no longer needs to be a part of your life ever again. You don’t need to contact him ever again. Even if he has visitation, exchanging the children can go through a 3rd person. Lawyers are your contacts for any information that needs to be passed.