For example I’d be doing ok for a while and then I’d meet a friend from high school or college coincidentally or at an event like holiday party then notice how far along they are in their life (married with kids rapid career advancement house, etc.) and I’d get this visceral jealous reaction honestly because I have none of that. Then I secondguess myself thinking am I on the right career path? am I good enough to be loved by my future spouse? am I good enough to be a parent someday? and realized that my actions would be fueled by this jealousy and neuroticism whatever I do I get anxious and even to the point of unable to focus at work which leads to poor job performance bad performance reviews decreased pay or possible layoff then financial problems makes me even more emotionally unstable…
I’ve tried avoiding the triggers but that seems like a recipe for disaster because it’s likely I run into a trigger sometime. So I was wondering how to fix my reaction to the trigger is a better way than to simply try to avoid all triggers.
Apologies for the jumbled rambling. Your advice would be appreciated.
Thank you, bros!
5 comments
Judge yourself by your own standards not “everybody is supposed to do this”. Im 50 and single with no kids. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also realise we dont know whats going on with other people, most will present a positive facade. You dont know the state of their marriage, the problems with their kids, how that great career is actually the single thing their life revolves around or whatever.
Lookfor happiness within, do things for yourself, not some imagined ideal youre living up to.
You set your own life goals. Maybe you get inspired by others, but you decide what you want in life.
You make a plan on how to get there. As long as you work towards these goals, you are doing fine.
If others got there earlier, later etc. that shouldnt matter to you. We are not euqal. Everyone has very different starting conditions for life.
Investigate the reaction, ” why did I react they way, why did what they said illicit that response in me”, that kinda stuff.
Once you have determined why the reaction takes place you can begin the fix it, just remember to be unflinchingly honest with yourself, no bullshit.
To be the best version of yourself you first need to stop bullshitting yourself.
Be honest with yourself and also please whatever you do never forget to be compassionate to yourself.
Honestly without compassion is cruelty.
There’s a book called The Courage to be Disliked. It discusses how to apply Adlerian Psychology/Philosophy into our lives. I found it rather enlightening, despite not agreeing completely to its content.
As what many have suggested, focus on your own tasks and goals. Not the tasks and goals of others. It sounds easier said than done, and that is 100% true.
Another thing to consider is, do your best not to concern yourself with the past. What you do today is in no way defined by what has occurred in the past. By letting the past drive the present, we will never truly be able to move into the future. So again, the best thing to do is set goals and focus on reaching them.
Do your best not to be distracted by the goals and tasks of others so that you may not stray from your own path.
If you ever find yourself self-tormenting or panicking, try to take deep breaths. If you need to let your emotions out, find an appropriate time and place to do it. Some examples would be punching bag, or curling up in the bed. Give yourself those moments, don’t keep bottling it up. Just remember, after those moments, refocus yourself. Reassess what contributes to your progress and focus on those.
The first step to solving any problem is to acknowledge it, which it seems like you’ve done: your problem is envy.
Every time you encounter a trigger, making you feel self-pity for your situation and wonder why you couldn’t be that guy or whatever, you have to label the emotion of jealousy.
Literally, tell yourself “I am experiencing a strong feeling of jealousy right now”.
The emotion isn’t world-ending on its own; our response to it can be.
It’s important to remember that these thoughts and emotions are not ourselves; however, we are the cumulative history of the actions we take, so whatever undesirable emotion you are feeling needs to simply pass through you without eliciting a reaction from you.
Acknowledge it, and let it go.
I find it personally helps me in those trying moments to make a list of things I’m grateful for in my life that others might not have or be aware of.
You could also keep in mind that old adage about time: “this, too, shall pass”
Good luck out there!