It’s not necessarily what I would want it to be, and it may change in the future. But there is only so much the high libido partner can do, and I think I’ve accepted what is as opposed to repeatedly banging my head into a wall hoping or trying to make it different than it is.
I’m 32, my wife is 29. When we first got together we would have sex probably 2-3 times per week. Then it declined to once a week, then less and less to where we are at now. Which is typically once a month or less. Again, not where I was it to be. It just is.
We have been talking about having kids for some time, and we we’ve been having trouble conceiving. Having sex only for conception (if that) is frustrating. Especially because I really want to have kids.
This morning my wife and I had a heart to heart about sex. How much I need it, what shee needs to even approach getting in the mood. Things like that.
After we talked, she asked me if I wanted us to go back to using protection for a while until we improve that area of our relationship more.
I dismissed the idea. Initially, it was because I’d rather have the long term happiness of becoming a father, over the short term happiness of a few more times of having sex in close(ish) succession.
But the more I thought about it, my response said more than I realized. If I honestly thought that a few months would actually do any good- I would jump on it. I wouldn’t be thinking that it’s short term happiness vs long term. If the break from TTC and focusing on our sex life would actually do any good, it would be long term health of our sex life and having a parent thereafter. Have my cake and eat it too.
But I don’t believe a few, or even six months will change anything. Sex has been a problem in our relationship since before TTC. Unless my wife has some sudden sexual awakening, takes mushrooms which dramatically alters her personality in just that area, or we do marathon counseling with a sex therapist- then a few months break isn’t going to help anything.
If anything, it will make things worse. She will know we are putting off a family because she is not meeting my sexual needs, so that will compound whatever guilt or stress around sex she already has (which kills drive). And if and when nothing has really changed after months of taking a break, I’m frustrated about having delayed a family for that long.
But let’s say for the sake of argument that we take the break, and it goes great. Then after the break, we, by some miracle, conceive immediately. Well, after that is 9 months of pregnancy (which may seriously impact intimacy) and then there is a baby in the house (again, not great for supporting intimacy). So even if the break went perfect, what comes after throws a wrench into our sex life again, and we would likely be back here again.
So, here I am at acceptance. I love my wife. I want to have a family with her. She knows how important sex is to me and our relationship, and I have faith that she is *trying* to make it more of a priority than she currently is. So, am I happy with my sex life? No. Am I pissed? Actually no. Am I going anywhere? Also no. But I have faith for my relationship in the future.
1 comment
Just throwing this out there…you definitely aren’t getting a partner who will be more in the mood when she is exhausted from child birth, not sleeping and child care.
If it’s once a month now when everything is easy you are looking at years of wishing it were once a month going forward.
Kids don’t fix relationships. Just do therapy and get to really know each other much cheaper and more likely to help.
Best of luck to you going forward.