What would make you stay in a marriage if there was no intimacy?

34 comments

1. money, for sure. let’s be real.

2. I can’t really think of anything. It would have to be pretty creative reason.

3. Love

4. A hall pass

5. If it was open (to being intimate with other people) and she was otherwise a good partner/co-parent. But even that’s a bit of stretch given how difficult I’ve found dating when you have to tell potential dates that you already have a partner.

6. It’s probably easier just not to get married.

7. Like no sex? Or like no emotional connection? Or both?

8. I know you said “no intimacy” but I want to be sure you mean that as opposed to “no sex”.

   I can hang with no sex. No intimacy is another deal. Just making sure we’re on the same page here.

9. Are we talking literally no intimacy? Like the person is just a roommate now, not touch, feel, talking about feelings? Or is this a no sex thing.

   My wifes libido has really tailed off due to medical reason. She knows it, she knows I know it, she does the best she can but it’s not something that happens often.

   Everything else in our relationship is fine. I see no need to find sexual intimacy elsewhere and am happy. I stay because we have made a life long commitment to each other and are at our best relationship wise now, after 25+ years.

   If there was literally no intimacy, no showing of feelings or commitment to each other we would likely move on. But we both feel a connection that is beyond needing to knock uglies regularly.

10. What intimacy we talking about here? Deep emotional connection and romance is intimacy just as much if not more than sex. Personally I’m a horny guy who masturbates at least once sometimes several times a day but sex isn’t the most meaningful part of the relationship with my partner for me. We are both sexually attracted to each other and enjoy sex like once every week or two. We are very cuddly though and are always giving each other hugs and kisses etc. I’m pretty sure losing that would make me feel unloved a lot more than losing sex. If she completely lost all desire for sex but still found the idea of me sleeping with someone else upsetting that might be a deal breaker because to me it would indicate a toxic attitude. Like she’s upset about me sharing an experience with someone else that she doesn’t even share with me to begin with. If on the other hand it was merely a lack of interest in sex with no intent of controlling my sex life beyond safety concerns I probably wouldn’t really are. There’s many different ways to look at these things and everyone needs to decide for themselves what works for them

11. No intimacy + no effort to fix it would be a dealbreaker.

12. Many forms of intimacy. Do you mean actual sex? Physical touch? Emotional support?

13. Do you mean no intimacy or no sex?

14. Well, where there’s love, there’s intimacy. If there’s no love, I don’t see why I’d waste my time and space in life with that person. I’ve got shit to do. And parents that don’t love one another, is not a good role model for what a relationship is either. It’s not divorce that harms children, it’s the parents behavior and lack of consideration of the child’s needs and boundaries in regards to the divorce, that’s damaging. Let alone a dysfunctional parents relationship that they have to witness daily. Nah

15. Kindness consideration and compassion toward one another

16. The inability to pay for a divorce.

    Edited for clarity:
    I’ll provide clarity to my situation. Married going on 10 years with 2 kids. Wife’s libido crashed after kid two. We’ve had sex 3 times since May 2021. Leaving for this reason doesn’t seem justifiable, even though it makes everything else that much harder. Not sure how I could ever explain to my kids even when they’re adults. I’ve talked to my wife and she doesn’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency. I find other means to fill the void.

17. I see your definition is “there is talk and emotional support but no physical touch or sex”.

    That would be a hard no for me. I have needs, for touch, for cuddling, for non-sexual physical intimacy, so that would be a dealbreaker. If I deeply loved the person and they just were physically incapable of sex, but did the other things revolving around touch, I would try. But it would be hard. And it would be difficult to avoid resentment building up over decades.

    I left my ex-wife after 25 years because there was no sex, no touch and also no emotional intimacy. Now I have amazing sex with my new partner who fills my tank with touch every day.

18. Kids.

19. I wouldn’t. That’s not a relationship, that’s a live in friend.
    If it’s an asexual thing, I recommend asexuals date other asexuals. So, nothing.
    I want someone who actually actively wants and makes me as much a priority as I make them.

20. a relationship without intimacy is basically a friendship.

    I like having friends, but I want a relationship where I can be physically intimate, sexually intimate, and emotionally intimate.

21. No. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do everything I could to try and fix it before leaving. Counseling, therapy, talking / discussing the issues, reading books and forums about it, etc. if all that fails, however, I wouldn’t stick around.

    (This is assuming a total roommate situation)

22. My wife and I have been married 25yrs. We both have demanding jobs and we now both agree that that intimacy is beyond sex. We have become intimate by enjoying each others company; sharing everything with each other; finishing each other‘a sentences. We are each others confidant. Massages after a stressful day. Watching our grandkids grow up in part has become a new way of being intimate with each other. And for the record, I am 51 and she is 48.

23. Zero Intimacy here. Nada.

    Already been through one brutal separation, which was soul destroying even though the kids are with me. Have another with this person. Nothing happened; she just lost all interest. Rebuffs any and all advances. I’ve always done non-physical things to build intimacy. Several months back, I decided to cease all attempts. Zero hugs, touching, communication etc…no interaction beyond “good morning”, “are you finished with that cup?” And so on.

    I have a better sense of peace now that I do my own thing and set expectations at negative infinity.

    I stay because I won’t put the kids through that again.

24. This is the weirdest thread of comments, but it goes to show why so many problems happen in relationships. Everyone is asking what intimacy means, and the answer is this: whatever intimacy means to you!

    If intimacy is a deep emotional connection, there’s your answer! If intimacy is hot wild passionate sex a few times a week, then that’s your answer! There’s no wrong response.

    The all-time worst thing you can do in a relationship is not communicate your version of intimacy, which of course no one ever really does. We’re all sort of aware of what our partner likes, but it’s so easy to assume that how we view the world is how they view the world.

    This often comes down to sex, and then, the response is usually: “go masturbate!” If that works for you, than sex is likely not a major source of intimacy. If it doesn’t work for you, then you likely are in a relationship where you won’t have your intimacy needs met.

    No one gets to define what intimacy means to someone else. And no one should be forced to do something for the other person because that’s where they derive intimacy. In any good relationship, everyone listens to each other and tries to give to their partner as they see fit.

    If there was no intimacy in a marriage, I’d leave.

25. I was in a dead bedroom relationship and will absolutely NEVER go into one again.

26. The reason matters.

    Did she get cancer or some kind of serious illness or is she just frigid?

    If it was a serious illness and then we had a discussion about me getting said needs met elsewhere that could work.

    But if she just became frigid I’d bounce

27. how can you drive a car with no gas?

28. Nothing… I was basically just raising another kid and housekeeping… Happy I left!!

29. Love.

    My wife and I used to be incredibly intimate and passionate. We have satisfied each others fantasies many times over.
    Now we are in our 50’s, things have really slowed down for both of us in the bedroom.

    Now we can go for a month or so without making love, yet be totally in love, able to hug, cuddle, kiss etc and feel needed and wanted.

    I love her deeply. She saved me.

30. Kindness, appreciation, support, sense of humor.
    Men are far more than just “a useless piece of skin attached to a penis” 😍

31. Nothing, it’s actually not that hard to find someone else if you’ve made it as far as marriage with someone before.

32. There are a lot of posts on here making the distinction between sexual intimacy and other kinds of intimacy and I’m glad to see that.

    I’m going thru this right now and I have come to understand this distinction myself.

    I’ve been married 30 years and I recently decided to divorce.

    I wrote in my journal today that I can live without sex, but not the touch, kindness, fun, get-along-ness, happiness, forgiveness, silliness, a shoulder to cry on, etc. I could go on and on…

    And I have realized I don’t really have any of that.

    I’m a guy, btw

33. Nothing. Life is too short to be unhappy 🙁

34. After a great first ten years, it turned into hoping, trying, walking on egg shells, and complaining for about five years for the intimacy to come back. I finally figured out there would never be any change, so I left. Still deprogramming, but doing really well.