I’m (27M) having a really crazy realization right now. I think my wife (28F) likes to pick fights with me to get into the mood. Has anyone heard of this? It’s honestly *ridiculous* that I’m just now having this epiphany. We’ve been together for 5 years and just recently got married. But looking back at our relationship over that timespan, some of the BEST sex we’ve ever had has been after an argument.
We used to fight ALL THE TIME, like over really dumb stuff. They would start out petty, then they would turn into huge arguments, we’d have sex, and then the next day she’d be wake up all good like nothing ever happened. However, I’d wake up still pretty upset because I felt like none of that needed to happen. This went on for YEARS. Like to the point that I had to put my foot down and drag us (she was **strongly** against it) both to couples counseling before going through with our wedding.
This was because I truly hate fighting with her because I’m just not that type. I hate arguing with her (or anyone for that matter) over petty things. The relationship was on thin ice before counseling and since starting, things have gotten better on that front. We have tools in place that are improving our communication which has been fantastic. But I have noticed some of the passion from our sex life has fallen off. And being newlyweds, this is less than ideal. But it actually just hit me that this all started right around the time we stopped arguing so much.
I want to ask her if anything I’m thinking has any merit or if I’m just making stuff up in my head. I’m just not sure how to approach the subject or tbh if she’d even be comfortable enough to admit that, that’s what she likes.
Tbh if it were an honest kink I would have had *much* less of an issue with the little stupid arguments before. I don’t mind role playing or just going along with whatever dumb thing causes the argument if I know it’s all BS just to get her riled up.
Does any of this make any sense or do I sound insane??
17 comments
Well, angry sex is a thing… She might be into it..
Is asking her about if she has any kinks/fetishes be a bad conversation starter?
It might just be the heightened emotions and working her up in a sexy way would work as well.
Lol, you accidentally gave her the positive reinforcement she needed. Sorry but at least you never have to do chores correctly anymore.
Damn. You sound pretty angry. You should tell her off so you two can… argue about it. Lol seriously this is pretty messed up you should talk to her.
Make up sex is 🔥
Pick a fight with her and see what happens.
There’s a book called Come As You Are about sexuality, it’s mostly about women’s sexuality but it has useful bits for everyone.
There’s a part where they talk about pretty much exactly this, how amazing passionate sex tends to happen in the presence of some “threat”… that’s not worded exactly right, it’s more nuanced, but reading it might be helpful in understanding this dynamic.
It seems possible to me that she isn’t even aware of this pattern you’ve noticed, or maybe is only semi conscious of it.
Oh, God, hate fucking is so mind blowingly intense. I had a girlfriend who would get into these really angry fights. Then, she would shoot me “the look”. Then it was tearing off clothes (literally, we’d find popped buttons all over the apartment), and sex right there in whatever room we were in. Kitchen, living room, even the bathroom. It was loud, it was intense, orgasms, pulled muscles, bruises (did I mention the bathroom – not a lot of room in there and there are a lot of hard and sharp surfaces…) and in the end total exhaustion.
I hated it and absolutely loved it all at the same time.
Tbh I think it might be two things:
1) She might be turned on by arguing with you.
2) She might be turned on seeing you act aggressive, especially if that’s not something you normally do.
She may want to be dominated and roughly taken by you.
Your situation sounds really familiar to me. Thank goodness you’re in therapy together.
FWIW, my ex-spouse saw loud angry arguments as important conversation, or something. They wished I would argue more. I see arguing and anger as a failure in communication. They would quickly bounce back from their arguments (assuming they remembered the details) and want intimacy. I felt so alienated from them that their desire for sex felt callously dismissive of the pain I was feeling due to our very recent argument.
They saw my refusal to argue as not caring, as retreating, as just giving up. I figured if they cared enough about something to yell and fight about it, why should I fight them on it if it could be accommodated? Of course, all of that leads to loss of self, codependency, and resentment.
Once resentment kicks in with one of the partners you’re in serious trouble. That takes some deep, deep introspection, growth, healing, reconciliation, therapy, etc., to root out resentment. You can’t be defensive and heal from things like this. If neither of you are feeling resentment, thank your choice of deity or universal constant and find a way to thrive and reconcile after arguments in a way that deepens trust and intimacy in your relationship. Not just sex, but intimacy.
We are now divorced for many reasons. This stuff was part of why. We were clearly not on the same page—let alone the same book—when it came to communication needs and styles.
Edit to add: there is probably a healthy middle ground between intense arguing and habitual avoidance. I haven’t found it yet.
The only reasonable thing to do is wait for her to leave a dirty dish somewhere and ask her why she’s being so lazy and give her a little wink as you say it
Bet she’ll sensually respond “… because you never pick up your socks”
You’ll know what to do from there
Heated arguing elevates your heart rate and gets you wound up. You’re totally focused on the other person and they are dominating your train of thought. It is easy to conflate this with or transition from it into arousal, with sex serving as away to release that tension. It’s why the slap-slap-kiss routine is so common in romantic fiction.
If you’re looking for a similar effect without real arguments, sex that is more aggressive or involves some kind of domination can replicate this. Naturally, after discussing it beforehand and with preparation. Make sure to start and it properly (aftercare) if you do try something like that. The goal is to get the desired effect without the need for continuous escalation.
It’s probably not the arguments that turn her on, but more of a angry sex thing. Personally, I’m a brat so I like to cause the arguments or tell my partner no and irritate them so I can get a good punishment. She may just want to completely let loose in the bedroom and have you take more control. When I feel stressed and want to be dominated, that’s what I do.
I mean… Sub start fights with their dorms so they can be “put in their place” so maybe it’s something similar.
lmaooooooo I think you’re right