There’s that saying “same monster, different mask” or something. This is very true for my dating life, and I think it’s because I haven’t observed a healthy relationship until recently.
Timeline:
7yrs-15yrs: mom became sick and addicted to multiple hard drugs. Dad because stressed and short tempered (lots of yelling).
17yrs: raped multiple times by a 24m.
17yrs: started dating a drug dealer 22m. Ended well.
18yrs: raped again by 18m.
18yrs-19yrs: dated a guy named Tommy. He always put me second and was obviously interested in other women’s looks. Made me feel terrible about myself. It ended terribly.
20yrs-22yrs: dated a guy who was incredibly emotionally and mentally immature. He gave me a black eye a year into our 2.5yr relationship. He’s a narcissist and throughout our relationship he promised to do better, but always did the same thing.
22yrs: I broke up with the guy 2 weeks ago, and now I’m lost about healthy relationships. I’m realizing that it’s my fault for picking these men, and I don’t want to pick the same monster in another mask. My dad got remarried, and they seem so healthy together, but for all I know, I’m just observing something better than the toxicity I normally observe.
I’ve been in therapy for years. I’ve worked through all my baggage. My therapist is so proud of me, and I feel incredibly proud of myself. Even so, this doesn’t change that I’ve never been in a healthy relationship.
So what does a healthy relationship look like?
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**Characteristics of Healthy Relationships**
**-** Respect for privacy and space. You don’t have to be with your partner 24/7.
– Your partner encourages you to spend time with friends without them, and to participate in activities that you enjoy.
– You feel comfortable expressing your opinions and concerns to your partner.
– Your feel physically safe and your partner doesn’t force you to have sex or to do things that make you feel uncomfortable.
– Your partner respects your wishes and feelings and you can compromise and negotiate when there are disagreements or conflicts.
**The foundation of a healthy relationship includes:**
**Boundaries:** You and your partner are able to find ways to meet each other’s’ needs in ways that you both feel comfortable with.
**Communication:** You and your partner can share your feelings, even when you don’t agree, in a way that makes the other person feel safe, heard, and not judged.
**Trust:** Building trust can take time and allows couples to be vulnerable with one another knowing that they can rely on the other person.
**Consent:** Most commonly used when you’re being sexually active, giving consent means that you are okay with what is happening, and that no one is forcing you or guilting you into doing anything that you don’t want to do. Consent can be given and taken back at any time, and giving consent once does not mean you automatically give consent in the future.
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**Attachment styles** are also important in choosing a relationship partner. For me, I can’t date someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It hurts me and is unhealthy for me. This is a non-negotiable. My partner now has a secure attachment and I have an earned secure attachment from therapy – this is a good match.
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Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying. You should also be wary of a partner who frequently criticizes you or puts you down. Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn’t be one-sided. Red flags should be dealbreakers – not a “wait and see since I like this person so much.”
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Another huge part of a healthy relationship is that both members of the relationship are whole people, who like themselves, enjoy their own company, and who take responsibility for their own happiness/contentment, and don’t expect a relationship to provide that.
Here’s some reading for you:
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/disability_quickies/quickies_healthy_relationships
or the longer version here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/hello_sailor_how_to_build_board_and_navigate_a_healthy_relationship
I was in a relationship with a girl who never trusted me. Talked to guys behind my back. treated me like dirt. yelled at me constantly. Never respected me. Hated my family who went out of their way to treat her with insane amounts of kindness. Was physically abusive. Would never go out with me. Would never interact with my friends. Was always walking on eggshells. Never helped around the house. Even when completely free for an entire year. Never helped with finances. And when I tried to ask for help on any of this. It became a large fight instead of a constructive conversation. She ended up cheating. And I almost married that because I didn’t know what a good relationship was.
Then I found someone who is trusting. Always shows interest in me and what I do. Loves my family. Loves my friends. Does kind gestures when not asked. Cleans when not asked. Talks constructively about our relationship and never fights. Actively works with me on any issues I have. Has gone out of her way to show she just wants me to be happy. Pays attention to me. I can tell without a shadow of a doubt that this person TRULY wants what’s best for me. And I never would have thought I needed or deserved that before. I didn’t even know it existed.
It takes time but set positive goals you’d like to see in the person you want to be with. Some things that can take or leave. but some things that are bare minimum MUSTS and don’t be afraid to tell a relationship that is not meeting your needs it isn’t working. I’m sorry things have been hard for you. Its truly awful. But keep your chin up. A person that loves and respects you to pieces is out there. You’re going to find them.
I’m so happy to hear that you are making positive changes. Take a moment to be proud of yourself.
When I read over your history, the most notable thing to me is that you have avoided being single. I think that in your situation the very best thing you can do for yourself is to make a personal commitment to remain single for at least six months.
Try some dates during that time, maybe but do not get serious and maybe even avoid sex so that you can get a better sense of how to assess people.
The biggest difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one is that you have to spend a lot of time alone waiting to meet the right person if you want a healthy relationship.
Your next boyfriend should show you that he is honest and he should treat you with respect. He should have stable finances and a good job and he should put you first.