I (23M) have a girl best friend (23F) Grace and we have been very, very close for over a year. Grace introduced me to Rachel (26F) last Friday who I was instantly attracted to. Rachel had just been through a breakup and I didn’t want to make any advances as it was far too soon for anything meaningful to happen.
The three of us also went out on Sunday where Grace told me before that she did not want to go out after our initial activity but we had so much fun that we went out for lunch and a walk afterwards. I honestly did not think much of this at the time because all three of us were enjoying each other’s time. We let Rachel go home and then Grace came up with an idea to do a little road trip to a local site and I suggested we invite Rachel since she was with us all day and we could get her on the way. Grace again said no but eventually – I thought – came around and text her to get ready. I thought nothing more of this until last night.
I had been thinking about Rachel and decided to ask Grace yesterday if we would be a good fit. Grace was extremely defensive. Saying if I were to go near Rachel then she wouldn’t talk to me. I value my friendship with Grace more than someone I’d only just caught feelings for so said ‘ok no problem I wont even go there.’ Grace said she had a bad experience where she lost two friends when they broke up and this has led to her having a boundary to not allow this to happen – I haven’t told her this but I think it is very unfair. I am not the two people she broke off being friends with. I am me.
Grace then went into an argument about how I never listen to her, hurt her by doing so and that she knew I liked Rachel. I honestly didn’t realise I was being obvious as I’m naturally shy around new relationships. She said I forced her to come with us on the road trip – again I thought that was a discussion as we’d had a lovely day anyway – why not continue it?
Grace also said that she had been trying to get me alone at the weekend to tell me something awful that had happened to her sister. I did not know this, but have been aware of her sister’s recent problems as Grace usually tells me over her own boyfriend about her family issues as I tend to deal with them better with her as I’m quite emotionally aware.
Grace also accused me of ignoring her on Sunday and walking with Rachel and not her, leading to her walking on her own. I honestly do not recall this and I noticed she walked off at one point but that was because me and Rachel lost her in the crowd and were looking at a stall together.
I am struggling so much with this. To me I just met someone I might have liked to go out with and it’s turned into something so different. I spoke with Grace until 4am last night about this and got nowhere. We are meeting to talk it through again today. Having slept on it and thought it through I am more convinced I am not the asshole but I’m not sure where to go from here.
TLDR: tried to ask gbf if her friend would be interested in me, she told me I never listen to her and that I hurt her.
16 comments
It sounds like there may be some miscommunication and hurt feelings on both sides. It’s important to listen to each other’s perspectives and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Maybe suggest going to therapy or counseling together to work through these issues.
To me theere are 2 probable causes why this is happening, either Grace is somewhat controlling and toxic towards one or both of you or she has feelings for you. Either way she’s not going at it in a healthy acceptable way, I could understand if she was like “this happened in the past, so don’t fuck this up for me” or confessed to you. The fact that she got cut out by the 2 former friends indicates to me that she probably got too involved in their relationship and therefore sufered the fallout, so take it as a cautionary tale and set proper boundaries.
First things first: Grace can’t make a boundary for you. You can only make boundaries for yourself. So she can say “I’ll have to distance myself if you start dating Rachel,” but she can’t say “it’s my boundary that you can’t date Rachel.”
She’s interested in you, and your interest in Rachel was BIG MEGA OBVIOUS, and she’s hurt. That’s what’s really going on. And yes, she’s being unfair about it, but that’s my read.
Is Grace your girlfriend or best friend? She’s making far too many rules for her to only be your best friend. If she’s mad at you for trying to form another relationship, that’s crossing a friendship boundary. If you ever do get a girlfriend, she’s going to be a problem for anyone you date.
Grace is madly in love with you. Open your eyes.
I’m going to let other commenters speculate about Grace’s possible romantic feelings for you. I’ll go on the assumption that you’re just very close friends. It’s possible she felt like a third wheel. Depending on how much you pushed to have Rachel come along, it’s possible she felt you railroaded her into agreeing. It sounds like she wanted to talk about some personal issues with you alone. All of that might justify her frustration IF she had communicated any of that to you instead hoping you’d read her mind.
Also, she doesn’t really get to place a boundary on who you date. You’re not in a romantic relationship. It’s controlling and completely inappropriate for her to do so.
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I’m a woman, and I can tell you unequivocally Grace has feelings for you, you made her feel like a third wheel, and she’s jealous and hurt. She may have a bf but she still crushing on you hard
Keep us updated. I’m now emotionally invested.
Like everyone else has pointed out: Grace has feelings for you. It seems her current BF doesn’t care that you two are “physically” close (as you mentioned in another comment) or that his girlfriend is emotionally dependent on you over him (i.e. when she is experiencing personal hardships such as the issue with her sister she ***needs*** you and only you to confide in and receive support from. don’t even get me started on the staying up until 4am talking because you *checks notes* ignored her for a few hours on a hike…)
BUT whatever girl you date in the future most certainly will!! You need to establish boundaries YESTERDAY like a year ago yesterday or this will not only ruin any future relationship you hope to have but will put you in the position of later having to defend “but you’ve never had a problem with this before!!” attitudes from her when you attempt to set boundaries down the line.
The fact that she comes to you with her problems instead of her boyfriend means she’s in an emotional relationship with you and you’re filling the void while she maintains a physical relationship with her boyfriend.
This isn’t healthy or fair to you or her boyfriend.
She’s using you as a crutch to maintain an unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend and until that’s resolved you won’t be allowed to live your life or move into new relationships.
There are a couple of things in your story that I’d like to highlight and ask some questions about. You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to – this is more of a thought exercise for you.
>Grace **told me before that she did not want to go out** after our initial activity but **we had so much fun** that we went out for lunch and a walk afterwards.
When you say “we” here, are you 100% sure that includes Grace? Did you make sure that she had space to say “No, I really want to stick to the original plan” or did you ask her in front of Rachel, where she might have felt pressured to agree with you?
>Grace again said no but **eventually – I thought – came around**
Did you keep asking Grace to bring Rachel after she had said no? Or did she come around independently? If she said no and you continued to press her, I can certainly see why she would be upset.
> I honestly do not recall this and I noticed she walked off at one point but that was because me and Rachel lost her in the crowd and were looking at a stall together.
You’re saying “I don’t recall ignoring Grace” and then describing a situation where you ignored Grace in favor of Rachel. What did you do when Grace walked off? How long was she on her own before you and Rachel found her again? Did you look for her actively, or did she have to come and find you?
It’s definitely possible that you and Grace have an unhealthy dynamic, and it does sound like she is overly invested in your friendship. But from what you’ve written, I could see a pattern of Grace feeling unheard.
It also sucks that she was deliberately trying to get alone time with you for emotional support, but you kept pushing to include another person. In your position, I would talk to Grace about how she’s feeling and try to make some space for her, give it a little bit of time (couple of weeks, max) and revisit her ultimatum about Rachel.
The million dollar question: is this really about you dating Rachel, or is it about you blowing off your friend on a weekend where she was dealing with some heavy family stuff?
Grace cannot dictate what her friends do or who they date. If she was that concerned about it the n she shouldn’t have introduced you and Rachel in the first place. If she wanted to talk to you about something private, she had every opportunity to say, “you know, I’d actually like it to be just us on the road trip, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about,” to which you would have happily agreed, as you seem like a very obliging dude.
The bottom line is that you don’t need Grace’s permission to ask Rachel out. Dating Rachel will put a rift between you and Grace, at least at first. So you need to decide if Rachel is worth compromising your friendship with Grace. I personally wouldn’t give a controlling friend that much power over me, and I’d let Grace decide how much she wants to sabotage your friendship for her own selfish gains.
Your friend Grace sounds like she has a lot to work out
Have you EVER hooked up with Grace? She is definitely acting jealous. Maybe she is into the other girl? I know she has a partner but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings for you or someone else.
>Grace said she had a bad experience where she lost two friends when they broke up and this has led to her having a boundary to not allow this to happen – I haven’t told her this but I think it is very unfair.
Not just unfair, it’s completely bonkers. A boundary is something you set to protect yourself, as in, “no, don’t call me by that nickname, I hate it” or “don’t push me to talk about my childhood.” What she’s doing is imposing her wishes on other people. She is not the boss of you, or of Rachel, so do what you want.