Apparently my partner spent all day yesterday thinking he was going to get fired, so he was totally freaked out but didn’t tell me. It turned out that he was wrong and everything is fine at work, but it got me thinking: do people think he should have shared that with me in advance? I’m currently the primary breadwinner but that will change in the next 5 years. We are expecting our first child in September.
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TL;DR: Husband thought he was getting fired, was wrong, but didn’t tell me at the time – red flag?
37 comments
He probably just did not want to worry you. And wanted to wait till the actual outcome to see
If he had waited a long time to tell you that might be a problem. But I wouldn’t worry about it on this instance. It was the same day, and he probably just felt super anxious and didn’t want to worry you. That makes complete sense to me.
I would NEVER share ” maybe” bad news with my spouse. There is no point in us both freaking out about something that I don’t know for sure.
What good would it have done to have both of you losing your shit?
It doesn’t seem like a red flag. Did you ask him why he didn’t tell you? Maybe he was already too stressed he didn’t want to make you too stressed over something that didn’t happen. Or he knew you would make a huge deal out of it and stress him more?
Honestly i dont see why you would need to know that it was a “maybe”. If it actually happened, of course i would expect you to be the first to know, and if he knew for more than a day, maybe? But assuming he was at work, what did you expect him to do? Text you all panicked and try to explain himself?
A lot of people, esp people who are stressed about their employment (maybe because they’re expecting a child and already not feeling like they contribute enough to the household) have a lot of shame tied up in that. And being freaked out about it may have been embarrassing and scary and to deal with that AND figure out how to text your partner about it… i think it makes sense that he didn’t fill you in ASAP.
EDITED TO ADD: you’re allowed to feel bad about it. You’re allowed to like.. be a little miffed that you didn’t know. And you’re welcome to share that with him. And even request that he handle it differently in the future in some way that you two agree on. But i dont think you need to be worried this is a “red flag” situtaion.
Communication is key in any relationship – even if it’s just to ease each other’s worries.
*Why*? The only thing I could see changing my opinion here, is *Why* did he expect to be fired?
If he did something to risk his employment, and kept that from you, that may be a serious problem or present a major judgment/character issue.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t get my knickers in a knot about a day. People don’t always make good choices when they are panicking.
You had even less power than he did for those 48 hours. All his choice did was rob him of your support during a tough day.
I don’t think it’s a red flag. Not telling you if he did get fired would be but just thinking he’s going to be is not. He probably didn’t want to bother you (especially since you’re pregnant) and was stuck in big anxiety brain.
Ultimately that’s something where you can’t act on it until it actually happens so there’s not a large amount of value in telling you when it’s an unknown.
So he freaked out about nothing and it was resolved in the course of a day, and you’re concerned that he didn’t tell you in the moment? Why on earth would you think that’s a red flag?
I mean…does he have anxiety?
I have days where I’m terrified I’ll get fired when I’m doing great at work and everything is fine. It’s just my brain being weird. If you’re husband is similarly wired, his job may have never been at risk at all. I couldn’t imagine telling my partner every time my brain jumped to conclusions like that- it would be anxiety inducing *for them*.
I think you might want to have a deeper conversation into why your husband felt the way he did, and discuss communication strategies going forward, though. But that’s less of a “he should have told you” thing and more of a “clear communication resolves misunderstandings” thing.
It’s understandable to feel concerned about your partner not sharing their work-related anxieties with you, especially since you are the primary breadwinner and expecting your first child soon. However, it’s important to consider that your partner might have had valid reasons for not telling you at the time. Perhaps he didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily or was trying to handle the situation on his own.
It may be worth having a conversation with your partner about communication and support in times of stress. You can express that you want to be there for him and ask how you can best support him in the future. It’s also essential to communicate your own needs and concerns regarding financial stability and job security, especially with the upcoming changes in your family situation.
Overall, it’s important to approach this situation with empathy and an open mind. While it’s natural to feel worried or anxious, it’s crucial to have a supportive and understanding approach to your partner’s feelings and actions.
I can understand him being terrified and not wanting to put your into that situation or being mortified of you leaving. Or a hundred different other things.
Communication is key to a relationship, but if I only had to worry about it for a couple days I might keep it to myself. I wouldn’t want to worry my SO about a scary maybe, despite knowing it might be healthier for me. Besides, it sounds like you are pregnant and less stress for you is another consideration.
I don’t think it’s a red flag. If it had been longer than a day, or if you had said “honey you seem so freaked out, what’s wrong?” and he lied to your face, I think that would be a problem. But it sounds like he had a bad anxiety day, he waited until he had more information, and he DID ultimately tell you what was up.
I don’t see why you being the breadwinner or you expecting a child affects this. He didn’t actually get fired, he just had a bad, scary day. “You should tell me every time you are worried about something bad happening” isn’t a rule you want in your relationship.
He probably didn’t want to worry you with this…
See nothing wrong here. He had anxiety about work and wasn’t sure. You all are fine.
Sharing news like this can be a fast way for a woman to lose respect for him and sexual attraction. He wouldn’t want to share until certain. The red flag is he didn’t feel comfortable talking to you about it so maybe you need work on your communication and empathy skills. You seem more worried about how it affects you vs him.
OP is pregnant lmao – that’s a key thing y’all are missing. Hormones cause intense anxiety and occasional paranoia
Tricky situation. My company is doing mass layoffs. I told my partner just so he would be prepared. However, if I thought there was a chance I’d be fired, I don’t think I’d tell him until I knew for sure.
I will say though, if he’s going to take out his emotions on you, then he needs to tell you why. He either needs to learn how to control his emotions, or be honest with you.
Are you serious? Your HUSBAND keeps you from been stressed when you are pregnant, then you worry that’s a red flag?
You are literally a red flag. I hope it’s just the hormones.
So have been dealing with exact situation for a month. I’m breadwinner, it’s clear work is trying to get rid of me. Already have kids and my insurance covers everybody.
In my case I told my wife immediately when red flags showed up at work, cause we will need to immediately jump ship on insurance. But I have had days before the current situation where I didn’t cause it was just my anxiety riddled brain overthinking.
Point is – if it’s pretty damn obvious it’s in the pipeline, I’d expect him to tell you.
If its “oh I screwed up” and no inkling of disciplinary action or unhappiness from his bosses that fades after a day no big deal.
I guess I’d feel bad I wasn’t able to comfort or help my husband feel better about the situation, but ultimately I wouldn’t be mad at him for not sharing something bad that *might* possibly happen at work. It sounds like he had no concrete reason to be so sure he was going to be fired, he was just spiraling.
If my spouse was going through anything very difficult, I would hope he would tell me… just as I would aim to tell him if I was going through something hard. It is understandable if he was holding off telling you to not worry you, but it is also understandable why you might be confused or slightly hurt he didnt confide in you.
Just ask him why he didn’t while also trying to understand his viewpoint while he was simultaneously dealing with something very stressful for him. It may give you insights on how he cares for you… or what you might want to work on strengthening in your relationship.
I could see the argument of “not wanting you to worry,” but that’s a slippery slope. And it is perfectly reasonable for you to want to be kept in the loop of what’s happening in your husband’s life.
Part of being a couple is y’all are in this together, so if there was a chance of him getting fired, you should have known so y’all could be prepared.
On Monday my partner shared an email from his employer that they were going to be doing another round of layoffs. He didn’t think he was at risk of getting laid off, but wanted to keep me in the loop.
Next day he got a meeting invite from his director, figured he was probably getting laid off, and let me know. So we were both able to think and process before it happened rather than him stressing out alone and blindsiding me with it later.
I would keep it to myself for 24 hours, probably, but would say “work stuff has me on edge, I don’t want to talk about it now that I’m out of work”.
Edit: If you’re pregnant, I can absolutely see why he didn’t want to worry you until he knew for sure.
Not a red flag, IMO.
Why freak out two people until he knew what was going on?
nah, if he thought it would be resolved that day theres no point in telling you.
some things can still be considered personal even if you’re married to the person
No, he shouldn’t have shared that. I know women say they want a man who is comfortable being vulnerable and showing how emotional he can be at times… but it’s terrible advice for men to follow in a relationship. As a woman, you want to be a reassured about how capable and competent the man you have attained is. It’s his job to constantly attract you. And it’s your job to continuously keep him. The fact that you’re already the primary breadwinner casts enough doubts for you as a woman. If he was feeling vulnerable and needed to express it, he should do that to his male friends or father or brothers. It obviously didn’t sit well with you. There’s a biological reason for that. You need to feel like you can depend on him. The more doubts he gives you, the less you’re capable of doing that.
Nope, if he isn’t comfortable telling you that’s his prerogative.
Maybe he grew up learning not to rely on others so he bottles things up. Maybe he learnt that he should only say something when the shit hits the fan. Maybe he learnt that he should stay silent and maintain the peace, even if that means he has to live a lie and not tell you he got fired (if that did happen).
The key thing is to ask hin how he felt and why he didn’t feel comfortable telling you.
He needs to learn not to catastrophize and potentially consider his self soothing mechanisms (or lack thereof).
Poor guy must’ve been all over the place.
No red flag whatsoever. I would have done the same thing in his position. Maybe telling you and seeing you upset would have made him feel worse as well, especially if he was able to function decently without expressing what was going on. Or maybe he knew you couldn’t give him the comfort he needed at that moment- which is entirely possible and you shouldn’t take it personally- he did what group needed to do in order to make it through a very scary day.
Are you insulted that he didn’t choose to open up to you? Because if that’s your feeling, maybe you should look deeper into yourself too investigate why.
Is he a narcissist that loses jobs a lot? Just trying to figure out your point. No disrespect to you
My partner would, but only because he’d need someone to talk/vent to, not because he should tell me to be a responsible partner. Nothing was set yet and it wasn’t a big decision he was making.
I dont think u have to share every thought. Why worry someone unnecessarily if u dont know if it’ll happen? Anxiety be like that. He told u eventually. 🤷♀️
MY sense is that there is something amiss about this situation (or possibly other behaviours from your SO that make you worry)
Is is the way that he told you all after the fact? It sounds a bit like your SO is planting the seed of the idea that he might lose his job??
Why would he worry you about news that isn’t official?
It appears he didn’t want to upset you in your delicate condition. Hopefully, He didn’t get fired. But if so, Work through it so he gets another job ASAP. Congrats on the soon newborn.