Last night I told my bf of 7 months that I don’t want every night to lead to sex and that we can do other stuff which I really enjoy but not sex daily. He got really quiet and didn’t understand why. I told him that I feel really vulnerable knowing it leads to sex every time, and I’d just it like to lessen a bit. He said he enjoys sex the most and wouldn’t really enjoy if it wasn’t leading to sex. AITA?
Edit: I also mean to clarify that I’m completely down for other types of sexual acts, just that I don’t want it to lead to penetrative sex 100% of the time, like maybe 70%.
37 comments
NTA. It’s a fair request.
NTA. Every intimate act doesnt mean you need to have sex. Besides, why would he want to have sex with someone whos not in the mood. One sided sex is so boring.
NTA: You’re so right. Other forms of intimacy are so important and focusing it only on intimacy that leads to sex is lopsided.
This isn’t really about who is right or wrong but more about having intimacy that works for both of you.
If intimacy that doesn’t lead to sex gives him blue balls, he can go to the bathroom to relieve himself. But I think it’s definitely reasonable to ask for intimacy that doesn’t turn sexual.
NTA, but take into consideration that he may have a perspective that differs from yours. He may not want to cuddle or make out if it doesn’t lead to sex because it’s difficult for him to stop at that. That may be something you both have to work through.
NTA, but it sounds like a libido mismatch. I am high libido and can’t imagine not wanting sex at least once per day, ideally 3 or 4 times. A lower libido partner might find even once per day too much.
Depending on how big the mismatch is, it may be an ever growing problem until you both find partners that are more closely matched.
NTA. As your partner he has to respect your feelings
NTA. It is super important to have intimacy without sex. As a grown old man I had to rewire my own brain to except it. But my wife and I are closer because of it.
And since we are closer it leads to more sex.
You’re within your rights but he’s also within his to not want to participate in that case. You can’t force someone to do what they don’t want.
Might be time to re-evaluate your compatibility.
I asked about sex and kept getting told that shouldn’t be a requirement of a relationship and it’s not the most important thing. So needless to say she was correct to an extent. Now I don’t care if I have sex at all and to the other extreme I ve lost about any feeling as far as this relationship. So it could be a lose lose situation if it proceeds.
NTA.
I tell my husband that some nights I’d like to just have a hot and heavy make-out session, or just cuddle, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Tysm you’re all so helpful 🫶🏼
You’re NTA but you may be discovering an incompatibility.
Oof, this is concerning.
Your pleasure matters too, hon. It bugs me that he doesn’t seem to understand that.
I’m with a man who has designated certain times for non sexual intimacy and it’s amazing. He doesn’t hold me because he wants something from me, he does it because he knows I enjoy it.
It soinds like your partner needs to understand that his pleasure isn’t the only thing that’s important, during sex or not.
I once broke up with someone for telling me something like this
Incompatible
I understand your part I just don’t understand his response…he doesn’t like cuddling for cuddles sake???
Wft
Males are naturally driven to reproduce, which means they want to have sex all the time. A lot of men associate sex with love. In their eyes, if you want to have sex with them, that means you love them, and if you don’t, maybe you don’t love them enough. Neither party is in the wrong here, I think we just need to understand the need of both genders in this scenario.
Sex isn’t just PIV, sex includes oral and mutual masturbation and many other acts you can explore. What you are asking for is still sex but just requires opening expectations and making sure you both still have so much fun. Think of it like this if sex was only PIV then same sex relationships would never have sex and that is obviously not true.
Part of dating is learning about the other person to determine if they make a good partner and if you want to have a longer term relationship with them. This is especially true for young people, like you, who are gaining experience in dating and relationships and it’s also especially true in the early part of relationships like yours (only 7 months).
So you need to take what you’re learning about him and consider it in that context. Now you’ve learned that he’s mostly interested in you just for sex. What does this tell you about his character?
Think about this. I’m not saying this is a deal breaker and I’m not saying it’s not. But it’s certainly something for you to think about and consider.
NTA, he should respect boundaries
Nope, not the a**hole.
You aren’t the asshole, and I have a similar issue with my husband. I want a professional massage, but my husband said he can do it as he’s always massaged me. I feel obligated to have sex every time, and I’d just like to have a massage by someone I know I don’t have to have sex with, or feel like I do.
Every touch always feels like an obligation to have sex, and I’m the same that I don’t mind doing other things; it doesn’t always have to lead to penetrative sex, but it always does. I’ve discussed this before with him, but he just says I don’t have to have sex but that’s not how it feels. Sorry I don’t know how to help, but I do know what you’re going through with that.
Ah, I see the edit. Yeah, if you’re down for other sexual acts, oral and hand jobs exist . Why would he have a problem with that?
Well, NTA, but the thing is for men to feel loved they biologically wanna have more sex, but for women they want more emotional connections.
Solution is to talk it out and find a balance, or break up, or you can continue like this, but someone will proly cheat on someone and someone will be heartbroken.
I suggest you fix it while you still got time
NTA. It’s fair, mature and responsible for you to state your needs and preferences. But it’s also fair and reasonable for him to. He’s allowed to have a preference for daily sex (I’m a woman and that’s my preference too) just as much you’re allowed to have a preference for less. The tricky bit is figuring out whether it’s best to compromise or break up. I know that sounds dramatic, but sexual compatibility is suuuper important in the long term.
NTA. I’ve heard about a lot of people in your situation who become afraid of any kind of affection or physical closeness with their partner because they know it always has to lead to sex. They’ll avoid any kind of touch because they start to associate it with obligation. They also feel like they can’t be loving to their partner without their partner wanting something from them, which feels shitty.
On the other hand, your partner sees it differently because he has a high libido and can’t do these acts without thinking about sexual intimacy with you. Seeing your edit, I think this could be worked with with communication. Your needs are important too. But if he doesn’t want to compromise, I’m afraid it will lead to many problems down the road
Honestly I don’t understand why men don’t like make out sessions?? I feel closer to my partner when he’s making out with me & not trying to fuck me.
Yes touch me in places but let’s just enjoy our lips, neck & body parts on each other like why is it ✨our fault✨ that you’re hard?
It doesn’t make me have less of a sex drive than you!! ✨kissing is intimate✨
why can’t men just understand this? Jerk off & leave us alone it’s not our fault we are hot AND were born with this body?? I hate how women always gotta take the blame for men being bricked up. It’s always we’re “shy” (🤢🤢🤢) or a tease… like leave us alone sir it’s not our fault✨ lol 🤪🤪
Move to scheduled sex. I know it sounds very.. scheduled.. but it’s good for a guy to know which days he needs to take care of himself and which days he gets special time with you.
I’m a woman and if me being intimate with my partner only led to sex 70% of the time I would be wildly insecure and it would be a deal breaker for me. But as long as he respects you is whats important. He can do that by trying to have sex, or breaking up with you.
NTA – What you are asking for is completely normal and you’re bf is behaving very entitled to your body and sexual autonomy. If he can’t have intimacy without sex, he isn’t prepared to be in a relationship. His reaction to your very simple, reasonable boundary is inappropriate, immature, and highly concerning.
NTA. Obviously many men feel like him, once we get excited we hunger for more, but intimacy doesnt need to lead to sex and as you grow older even 70% would be setting it very high.
No, you’re just cruel and unloving.
You aren’t wrong for wanting what you want. It can be incredibly pressuring to feel like you are expected to go with sex whenever your partner is in the mood and conversely like you’re withholding intimacy both from him and yourself if you avoid that physical time because it turns him on.
That said he isn’t necessarily wrong for how he feels about it either. He wasn’t an ah in how he expressed it, for him that deep passionate time of bonding giving each other pleasure and feeling connected in the moment may very well be something he deeply looks forward to. Moreover it may be pretty uncertain for him to know when you are wanting the same and when you aren’t.
Now to be perfectly clear about two things. He isn’t entitled to your body in that way or any other such way. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of sex at any point or feel you are only doing so to please him then please do not do that to yourself, it changes how you see yourself and asserting your wants. You should never, ever, hit that point where you are AFRAID to be intimate with your partner because of any expectation that has been built up.
Also while he is valid in his feelings about the situation (assuming they don’t come from a place of selfish entitlement), as another commentator pointed out, it should feel very strange to have sex while your partner isn’t into what’s happening. Honestly that may be what’s bothering him, because it means you guys aren’t on the same page.
He may feel hesitant in the future to express his desires if he knows they put pressure on you. Not wanting that for himself he may begin to check out of the relationship. And that pull back could have you feeling pressured to perform because you notice he isn’t having the same energy for it and you worry he is losing love for you, you gradually build resentment because of an expectation and it all just becomes a mess.
No matter how this turns out it is gonna require compromise from him to meet your needs, I think most would agree it’s not a particularly overly large compromise. Having sex every single day is already a lot more than most couples (guessing you two are fairly young), so taking two days off and just from penetrative sex as well isn’t a big deal to most. But it still is a compromise, and he may not feel like making it.
Can you clarify what exactly you mean by “intimate sessions”?
NTA. Sounds completely normal that you don’t want to have penetrative sex every day or every time you see him. Or that you sometimes want to have intimacy or oral/manual sex without penetration. Indeed it doesn’t puts a lot of pressure (and sounds pretty boring) if you NEED to have penetrative sex every single time. Or like he’s only intimate with you to have penetration in the end. It sounds like you two have some sexual incompatibility. If having penetrative sex every time is very important to him, he should find a woman that wants the same (or learn to compromise).
NTA, unfortunate truth is that it’s rare to find a partner that perfectly matched in libido.
I think it’s important for someone to think of themselves in the relationship and what they NEED. But it’s equally important to think of what your partners needs are. In my opinion a healthy relationship requires some level of compromise, it can’t always be one person getting what they want and not the other. My personal view on healthy relationships is my own but I would expect that my partner needs be taken into consideration as well. Not to say that his are not real or important they just don’t count for everything.