Tl;Dr- my husband and I have been trying for a baby for six months. I found out he relapsed after two years sober and now I won’t get to be a mother.
I’m sorry this will be long.
My(30F) husband(31M) and I have been married 4.5 years, together for 6, best friends for 12. A year into our marriage, I discovered an addiction that I had known nothing about. I basically let him know he could be proactive about his mental health and handle things like a healthy adult or I was done. He continued to fuck around, I said I was done, and he pulled it together. Sober for year, one relapse, sober for two years, and then relapsed for at least a week before I caught him two weeks ago.
The years of him going through addiction programs were hell. It was not easy to stay with him and support his sobriety, but I did it because I love him and he’s an incredible man when he’s sober. He’s not abusive, he’s supportive of me, helps around the house, and is my best friend.
Over the last year, things were going so well he began bringing up children. We’d both been on the fence for a long time, and then the journey to sobriety really put it all on the back burner. After almost a year of deep discussion, we agreed I’d stop birth control in October. We have not been successful at getting pregnant.
The relapse has really put me back at square one. I can’t imagine having a child and going through this. It would be different if he’d been honest about his needs, but he lied and tried to conceal it from me. Not only that, he’s promising he’ll get help but hasn’t made any effort to do so. I can’t make him take care of himself.
It’s just so disappointing. I spent years feeling like a family was never going to be an option, and now that it is, it’s being ripped away again. I’ll be 31 this year and I don’t want to be pregnant after 35. I want my marriage to last, but at this rate, a family might never happen for me with him even if he gets his act together. If I leave, I definitely won’t have time. It just sucks to lose this dream I was so excited about. My social media is filled with pregnancy content and little babies and happy families. I’m trying to unfollow everything for now, but it sucks. So much has changed in two months.
I’ll never have the little babies my siblings do, I’ll always be the one who doesn’t have a family of her own all because her husband is an addict.
I don’t know. I’m just devestated and embarrassed. Thanks for reading.
6 comments
I had my first two in my early twenties. My last baby I was 39. There are benefits to both but certainly the biggest benefit of having my youngest at 39 was that I was remarried to someone who was not an addict and never has been one..unlike with my oldest two. Because it’s even harder when you have to leave with your kids and their dad just can’t be in their life.
A lot can happen in 4 years. If you leave, you could find someone who you are able to have a family with. You might regret not giving yourself that chance if you stay.
When you’re ready, start trying to challenge all the rigid thoughts you have about becoming a mother. Right now you’re thinking “I can only have a baby with *this man* in *the next 4 years*, and if that doesn’t happen, I’ll *never* be a parent”. But you have other options, even if it’s not what you planned or hoped for. You don’t have to stay with this man. You don’t have to give up on having a baby if you turn 35. If you absolutely don’t want to be pregnant after that age, there are ways to become a parent that don’t involve becoming pregnant (adoption, fostering, using a surrogate).
I know right now you might just need to grieve for the life you hoped you’d have. But when you’re ready, start making plans for a different life – and a different way to have a family, if that’s what you want.
My son and DIL had their first child almost 16 years ago. Then suddenly a little less than 2 years ago, when she was 41, surprise pregnancy. Ethan is amazing.
If you leave you have a chance to still reach your dreams.
If you stay you’re sentencing yourself (and future) to constant uncertainty of your husband’s addictions. One day it’ll break you badly enough that you’ll resent him deeply for forcing you to give up your hopes and dreams for him.
He has to be the one to acknowledge he has a problem, and take the first step to recovery. Even then, he’s always going to be in recovery, addiction will be a battle he’s got to fight the rest of his life and it will come with some likely relapses. If that’s not the future you want for yourself, or future child(ren) then I’d say it’s time to call it quits. Yeah, sure, you may not meet someone new by the time you reach 35 so you can have kids under the timeline you’ve set for yourself. But you for sure won’t meet anyone new as long as you’re married either. I’d rather take the small chance over no chance at all, but that’s just me.