Long story short: my boyfriend wakes up super angry in the morning and there’s nothing you can do to help him. If he’s especially stressed out, he’ll take that out verbally on you.
Today was no different, I took care of our dog and put my daughter for a nap. I decided to wind down and play some videogames. Boyfriend wakes up and he’s angry I didn’t take out my dog earlier (I couldn’t bc I was on toddler duty) and did it when I was able. He then said I’m incapable of taking care of an animal. That I’m dumb and stupid, and he doesn’t know why he decided to start dating someone that’s a child.
He also went on to say he wish he never dated me and would rather left me. That he’s only here for my daughter and if I didn’t have her, he would have left ages ago.
All of this came out all cause I genuinely couldn’t take my dog out when he wanted to. Whatever. I put on my headphones.
Now hes going to do his taxes today since he’s been complaining he hardly has money, then kept asking me where I put his tax forms since they come in the mail. I tell him that if any mail comes in that’s his, I give it to him and don’t open it. He doesn’t believe me and says I’m stupid again, only to ask for our mail key since I’m too incompetent to have it.
Whatever. I’m tired of the yelling and anger so I put on my gaming headphones and blast music. I tell him calmly I can’t hear him, and when he calms down we can talk.
This angers him and he angrily whips the headphones off my head and said “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” And I told him to never touch me like that again. Then when I said that, he got right in my face and tried riling me up to get angry. I just told him to stop and started to ignore him.
Now he’s puttering around the house saying things about me and being vulgar/verbally abusive.
I’m not too sure what to do anymore, I suggested therapy and medication with him a week ago when he was in a good mood. He was gonna consider it, then the next day he said he didn’t need it as his feelings and reactions are justified.
I’ve been with him for 5 years on and off. I can’t support me and my daughter on my own, moving in with family isn’t an option and I can’t go to a shelter either as that can cause issues with my daughter’s bio dad. (He SA’d me too, but that’s not admissible in court.)
I can’t wait until I finish college and get my finances together. Any tips to help me get through until then?
29 comments
He sounds dangerous, if I were you I would run.
This sounds like a terribly toxic individual. At face value You should be taking steps to remove you and your child from this situation as statistically speaking the violence will continue to grow. Search your city for a Women’s clinic or place that will give you some help. Also as you move toward that goal you need to cut contact with that person. I know it wont be easy but you just need to take this one step at a time and always keep moving forward. Your child and you deserve better than this. I hope you can gather the strength to push out of this.
OP I KNOW you recognize this as abuse! this sounds so incredibly strange.. I’ve never heard of anything like this.. talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed LOL. I don’t understand how he could literally JUST start his day and be so angry to the point where he verbally abused his spouse like… what the hell is wrong with him?? 😂😂 is he a toddler??
I’d recommend that you do NOT put any effort into this relationship. AT ALL. Think of him as a roommate until you can finish college for you and your daughter. Don’t give him any love and affection, don’t have sex with him none of that. Treat him like a roommate you don’t wanna be around until you can do everything you need to do for your baby girl then dump his ass.
OP, if possible you should go live with a relative or friends, bring the dog and child with you. It’s clear he has anger issues. You don’t deserve to have someone yell and scream at you, telling you you’re stupid and that he wishes he left you. That’s not the environment to raise a child in.
#LAWYER
**Sue for supervised custody only on his part. **
That’s called assault, OP. DV is a felony.
He’s escalating the emotional and verbal abuse into physical assault.
This doesn’t get better. Violent abusers don’t change.
Pack up your daughter when he’s off at work, move to your parents house. Take only the barest essentials and most valuable items. Leave anything else. Clothes can be replaced. Home furnishings can be replaced.
Are you able to be out of the house when he wakes up?
How long until you’re out of college?
End it and kick him out. He is beyond disrespectful and abusive. Have some self-respect. You are showing your daughter that it is okay to accept abusive behavior.
Leave immediately.
I’m confused. When you say that going to a shelter “would cause issues with your daughter’s bio dad” . . . what kind of issues?
What POSSIBLE issues could be more important than continuing to allow your daughter to watch you being verbally abused and now physically assaulted in front of her on a regular basis? Do you understand that you’re teaching her every single day that this is okay? That this is what relationships are supposed to be? That she is learning to allow men to tell HER that she is stupid and dumb, to belittle her and tell her she’s a waste of their time, to put their hands on her?
Every day that you share a home with this man, your daughter is learning that abuse is what she should expect in a relationship, that it is normal and okay.
Also, people are telling you to leave, but there is no reason why YOU should have to leave. This man assaulted you in your home. Call the bloody cops. Tell them you are scared of him, that he assaulted you and yanked something right off your body whilst angry and shouting. Get a restraining order. In most places HE will have to leave the home and find somewhere else to stay. But it is up to you to do something about this. Don’t show your daughter that this is normal. You need to actually take action to get him out of your home.
You need to get out as quickly and as safely as possible. You and your daughter is living in an abusive home.
Ebbie45 has lots of resources for anyone in an abusive relationship.
https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/
He’s getting in your face. He’s yelling. He’s escalating to being physically violent. He’s going to hit you. I had a parent that would do this. They would try to get a reaction, an emotion so they could play victim. Then if they didn’t get one they would throw things or start being physically violent. Don’t stay. Don’t wait. And if or when he does hurt you… he will say you made him do it. He will be angry at you for his temper and lack of control.
He is physically abusive. Reach out to a lawyer and a shelter.
Girl you gotta leave. Like, now.
You are in a very dangerous situation with a very dangerous man, and I mean, extremely dangerous. You need to quietly make an exit plan. No, you can’t stay. Abusers are not fixed by therapy. Never. In fact, therapy gives them new language to use for the abuse.
This book, “Why does he do that”, will give you insight on how your relationship cannot be turned into non abusive, your boyfriend won’t change, those men don’t change, only escalate abuse. [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
As for what can you do while you make your escape plan, contact organizations that help women in domestic violence situations. Even if you don’t go to a shelter, you can talk over the phone with a professional that can give you advice. You could search resources online, some organizations have lawyers that work pro bono with people it your exact situation. If you search help online, clean your browser history. Meanwhile, to him, fake that everything is fine. Don’t provoke him. Get your legal papers and your daughter’s in a secure place out of his reach, out of the house (with a trusted friend or even rent a post office box). Save whatever money you can. Is it possible for you to rent something with roommates? I know it’s harder with a kid but perhaps your friends can help you find something. Also since you are in college, find out what resources could you get there. At the very least, in some countries college has counselors and they can give you some advice on your exit plan, contact other local resources, and give you moral support. Good luck.
This will escalate, he’s not safe
Therapy does not fix abusers. Honey, if you’re not safe, neither is your child. Please don’t ask me how I know.
Safety must be your priority. Reach out to a local DV resource. Tell them your fears about custody, see how they can help you.
You went from one abuser to another. Before you get into any other relationship, please get therapy because your normal meter is broken – it’s not your fault, but abuse breaks your normal meter.
You need to get out of there, you know this.
You need to get yourself independent and get out of there. You need to start stockpiling money safely where he doesn’t realize. You need to start looking around for something you can do to earn money on the side. For Eg, babysitting nurse’s kids for off hours. After-school pick up for school kids, etc. (Assuming your daughter is young) Any money you make, make sure you are stashing some in a bank account where he can’t find it. Even if something comes up where you can use your socked away money – don’t do it. This is for your escape.
You can do it.
You could live in one room with your daughter for now. Could you place an ad looking for lodgings with another single parent who is struggling? Give work contact details so he doesn’t know. Stay single and idependant. Don’t move in with guys because you are broke.
So you are letting him abuse you because you can’t afford to look after your daughter, which is not his kid…..
Ffs 🤦 leave. Are you going to wait until he physically abuses you? Or until he realises that his life will be better off without you and kicks you and your daughter out?
Yeah I’d rather eat nails than go back to my moms but I’d definitely rather go stay at my moms than be abused IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER while she’s learning/seeing his behavior !
First of all you’re in school so I’m sure you’ll probably qualify for low income apartments or something , single moms have tons of housing opportunities !
DO NOT think you’re out of options , start living your new life that YOU and your DAUGHTER deserve to have .
How could being with someone so horrible cause you any joy? You may feel it’s impossible to leave but there is always a way. Reach out to all of the places other people have listed for help. Look for resources at college. Find a way because this man is very bad news.
As others have mentioned, this is abusive. Make sure you are on birth control that can’t be tampered with. Keep your daughter away from him. Contact domestic violence organisations. Start a secret bank account. Join a friendship group or church to create a support network. Good luck
He is dangerous. He uses you as his punching bag and has no intention to change that. He already laid hands on you, the next step to be physical violent is not far away.
His behaviour is very strange, is it possible that he is a drug abuser?
But even if not, he is not a man you want to live with.
You can’t let him be around you or your daughter. What if she triggers his anger? Will you let him “parent” her in the way he think is right? Will you let him punish you, when she is not behaving “right”, because each and everything is always your fault?
You already got good ideas from the people here, do everything to get him out of your life and the life of your daughter.
He needs a good ‘ol classic beat down. Might humble his constantly menstruating male ass.
This man is not going to let you “finish college and get your finances together.” He will traumatize you until you quit. He will take your money.
You and your child are in danger. You need to leave ASAP. This man has hurt you and **will** hurt your child – he may have hurt her already. He will escalate until you’re in the hospital or worse. Also, keeping your child around a dangerous man is grounds for losing custody in most states (child neglect or endangerment). Just seeing the abuse has hurt her (yes, she knows). She could go to your ex or wind up in foster care.
Your school has resources to help you and your daughter. Whatever your major is, you should have an admin/coordinator type person in your department. Start with them. At most schools, they’re trained to help in domestic violence situations. You can also go to the Chair of your department or a professor. Your school will also have a Title IX office. They investigate sexual harassment at the school, but will have connections for incidents that happen off campus. They can help. Some schools have on-campus women’s centers that investigate on- and off-campus DV/SA. You can also go to the Office of the Dean of Students for help. Most schools also have counseling available, often through your student health center.
My tip: get help, and leave this psycho. Fast.
Start recording and video-ing secretly. You never know when you might need it. Also password protect everyth you don’t know if he snoops on ur phone
There are no “tips” to help you until then.
You’re admitted that you’re going to stay with the person who has abused you for years AND subject your daughter to it on a daily basis because you need his money.
I’d rather be living out of my car with my kid than Subject my child to someone like that.
I was with someone exactly like this. You need to leave. It’s not only dangerous to stay, it is going to permanently affect your daughter and who she becomes. Even if you think she is too young to remember, she is not. You need to think about moving in with a housemate. Maybe try to find another single mum with a child. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
There’s no fucking way that you think any of this is okay? He SA’d you? Call the police.