My (41F) mom (73F) was invited along with her husband to attend my daughter’s college graduation. Originally, my ex-husband said he probably couldn’t come, but last week he said he was coming and his parents are coming. My daughter’s one ticket short of everyone coming to her graduation. She’s trying to get an extra ticket from someone else but doesn’t have a lot of hope. She says of everyone coming, she wants my mom’s husband to attend the least. But my mom has said she won’t attend if her husband can’t come. They’re a package deal. I want to tell my mom I understand she’d rather not attend than risk insulting her husband, but there’s just not enough tickets for my side of the family. I want to say this as soon as possible, to manage expectations before flights are purchased, but my daughter says she’s not ready and wants more time to look for an extra ticket. Should I wait or at least give my mom a heads-up? Because as far as my mom knows, my daughter is trying to find an extra ticket so her dad’s family can attend, and not my mom and her husband.
Tl;dr: Should I wait for my daughter to see if she can get an extra ticket, or give my mom a heads-up that she and her husband may not be able to attend my daughter’s college graduation?
3 comments
> But my mom has said she won’t attend if her husband can’t come. They’re a package deal.
I smell a no-contact decision coming in your daughter’s future…
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>But my mom has said she won’t attend if her husband can’t come. They’re a package deal
I’m kind of torn on this detail. Why are they a package deal? Is it just a couples solidarity thing? A stubbornness thing? Or is there a more reasonable justification for this?
I ask because about half of my elder relatives are sickly and their partners are VERY dedicated to providing care to them. Most of my family is going to a big reunion and ceremony this year, but my uncle is staying home. His wife is too sickly to travel and he cannot stand the idea of leaving her alone for 2 weeks. If she could come, he’d come. She can’t. They can’t afford a care aid and even if they could, he would feel wrong leaving his wife in isolation.
Anyway… If I were in your shoes, I’d have a chat with your daughter. She has done something that I consider to be seriously rude: she promised space to grandma+husband and is now reneging because someone more ideal is available to attend. Worse yet, she doesn’t even have the guts to tell her grandma this is what’s going on. Not good behaviour on daughter’s part.
Now, perhaps there is something else going on. Is grandma’s husband a fucking asshole? Has he done anything to hurt daughter? You? Grandma? Is he a bad guy? Sexist or something? Why doesn’t daughter want him there? If he’s garbage, why was she willing to invite him in the first place?
I don’t think it’s fair to leave your mom in limbo in general — and it’s totally not okay because there are flights involved. Assuming daughter’s grad is in June, the time to buy plane tickets was a month+ ago. Second best time is right now. The longer this is left in the air, the more difficult and expensive it’ll be for grandma to visit.