Should I 27f contact my ex 26m ?

I’m really heartbroken, lonely and lost. I desperately need advice on how to deal with all this. This is going to be long. Please bear with me. My boyfriend left me in Dec 2021. We had a relationship of 9 months or so. 2021 was the happiest year of my life because of him. The next 6 months I wasted trying to get him back. And he made that relationship casual (that 6 months) because he didn’t want to or couldn’t love me.

After that period I moved to a city for work and he told me he didn’t even want to continue that meaningless relationship we were having. He said he didn’t even want to be my friend. And I had no choice. It was no contact for the next couple of months. I was desperate to move on although I loved him. So one day I asked him to delete those pictures of me he still had on his Instagram. Which he agreed. I was still allowing him to use my Netflix even when we were no contact pretty much. And I felt really dumb that he was still using my Netflix and still didn’t even care about being friends with me at least. So I changed my password as soon as I asked him to delete my photos off his insta and then next day I saw that he had blocked me everywhere. I felt so empty. He didn’t have to do that. And I somehow thought it was okay and this will finally help me move on. This was September 2022. And he went to the UK for higher studies the same month I guess. His course probably ends by the end of 2023. But months later here I am.. unable to move on. Recently I don’t know why but I have been missing him more and more and it feels like I can’t breathe sometimes. I tried to go on other dates and meet other guys but I’m truly lost. No one I met was capable of loving me like he did. I cry all the time missing him now. All the time. It was worse during the time of breakup. Even writing this with tears in my eyes. I love him to death. I love him despite all the flaws I found with him. And some of them are really bad honestly. But still. I miss him deeply. I don’t know what to do or how to move on or love anyone else.

What actually happened: —-
I’m the bad guy. Somehow. I ended up being extremely rude with him and he couldn’t handle it. I hurt him alot. The problem is that I live in a misogynistic society where having a boyfriend is a big deal. I’m an only child of a single mom and not having a dad or brother means I’m not allowed to live a normal life. In all of my relationships it was very difficult to call them because I’m at home. Because my mom can’t find out. So I ended up having to hide all of my relationships and this one too. We were only able to text mostly and meet occasionally because of the pandemic. All of this relationship was on text. Calling was out of question. And I can’t believe how badly that affected my relationship. Only texting made it very difficult to communicate properly and created a lot of misunderstandings and issues between us. He would tell a joke and I would take it as an insult. Cuz in texting there’s no tone or expression. And there were times i unnecessarily fought a lot with him and hurt him a lot. I was really stupid. Blind. Dumb. Cruel. One time i even called him names. I’m horrible I know. I would end up thinking he just wants to insult me but all he wanted was love and to be loved by me. My blind stupid brain couldn’t see any of that. All I had to do was read any of the chats and i would have come back to reality. But i read them only after things ended. Too late. I begged him, I cried even went to his place and cried. If i could i would have begged on his feet. Yet he didn’t accept me back. I changed my ways and understood my flaws and promised to never get so blind like that again. But nothing changed his mind. He just kept going further and further away from me. 🙁 No matter what I did.

The 6 months after the breakup was extremely hard where I ended up being just a piece of meat for him. That’s how I feel. Maybe he didn’t mean it like that but.. 🙁 Seeing how he’s just gone without a care in the world about me makes me think he was using me for that time. And sometimes I also feel like maybe he never loved me and never cared 🙁 maybe all of that was a lie. Because if he loved me truly how could he leave 🙁 I love him truly and love him despite everything. I could never leave him. Never.

I saw a completely different horrible guy after the breakup. He would lack emotions and was depressed. I would ask him to get therapy but he never did. He also lost his cat right before he broke up with me and i felt like he used that cat as an excuse or something too for the breakup. I tried to cheer him up a lot and be his support and everything. And yet he’s gone. Just gone. I loved him truly and still do. He’s in UK currently and i don’t know if he found anyone else. His insta profile is public so i was able to see his new posts and he posted one with a girl recently. Broke my heart like anything. I don’t know if they’re together or just friends.

He has this red flag of posting pictures with girls from college etc. His insta acc has many pictures of him posing with girls. When i asked about them he said it was just friends or people he barely knew just to get likes on insta. He says when he posts a picture with some girl he gets a lot of likes. (which is true actually) He seem to want to be popular using the pictures with girls :-/
This is something i don’t like any guy doing unless the girl is actually a blood relative or a gf ofcourse.

Another red flag of him is that he follows a lot of insta wh0res – the nude or half nude porn girls on insta. When we were together one day i scrolled on his insta and saw many such nude photos and i unfollowed a whole bunch of those accounts infront of him. Told him not to follow such accounts. After the breakup he told me even when we were together he would desperately try to remember the usernames of these shitty accounts and follow them back. I can’t tell how disrespectful and messed up this was. He is a gamer memer guy and after the breakup i have gotten invites to porn discord groups from him on discord. He seems to have sent them accidentally. And he deleted them but i saw them. Despite all of this I still somehow love him so much. He made me feel so loved when i was with him and my heart breaks thinking of every memory i had with him. Every moment i was truly happy though. I never took any of the arguments seriously. I loved him always. I used to cry alot before meeting him and let me tell u i didn’t cry a single day during the whole relationship. Not a day. I was really happy with him. I can’t believe i messed all that up.

Sometimes i wonder if these problems of him is too much of a red flag and whether i should just let it all go. I’m not perfect too. I have red flags too. I feel really lost with this.

I really need some advice on what to do. Either on how I can get him back or move on and somehow find someone who makes me happy like he did 🙁 which i think is impossible to find anyone like that.. i really need help.. I have been struggling alot to the point i can’t seem to eat or sleep properly these days.. I’m contemplating on writing him an email.. but that would be the death of my self respect and everything. But I don’t know what else to do. Any help on this is appreciated. And thank you so much if u read all this..

Tl;dr : My ex left me because I used to fight with him all the time but I love him so much and is unable to move on despite it’s been 6 months since I last talked to him before he blocked me and I’m confused if I should somehow contact him again.