Im a bit at a loss.

42 comments

1. Hi, it does sound like you’re going through a lot! I agree that he’s probably not intentionally being an ass. What I would consider for yourself:

   * Does it matter whether he loves you – do you want to be with someone who is so in their own feelings that they continue to hurt yours, over and over? Sometimes being an un-intentional ass is worse than an intentional one because it means on some level they are truly self-absorbed and not evaluating how their actions impact others.
   * Have you ever been in a situation where something wasn’t quite right for you (a job, a partner, a friend) but you kept coming back to it because you got something out of it? Some people really struggle to not have a partner relationship in their lives. As in, they will cling to whichever person is closest to that even if on some level they know it’s not right, because they get something from it. It sounds like this is that.
   * ED is a common problem with plenty of common solutions, but I would be cautious. I’ve honestly *only* known the women in these situations to show grace and understanding yet it rarely ended well for them. If someone is unwilling to communicate what they’re feeling about something that has a huge impact on the relationship… that’s a tough start.
   * he says he wants you in his daughter’s life but you’ve never met her? This feels odd and not good to me. Like slightly manipulative even.

2. I just don’t buy the, “I want to date and find a life partner, but my strong feelings overwhelmed me” bit. This is the cost of entry when you’re in line holding a dating ticket.

   Excuse me for being frank, but this is bullshit. People self sabotage because [insert excuse] preventing them from living a life they want.

   Stay far, far away, and consider yourself lucky that you’ve side stepped the train wreck. This type of thing is a never-ending story and a tale of dysfunction. In my eyes, count on a man like this to: script you storylines that weave you into his dramatic telenovela of a life

   Close the door and board it shut, he’s a returning zombie if this was the apocalypse. You absolutely deserve someone that says what they mean the first time around, and delivers on it with actions. This is the mark of someone dependable. Beyond that, in the realm of parenting, co-parenting, and merging children accountability is THE precedent. Who can afford that compromise?

3. Some people are afraid of being alone.

4. While he’s not taking ownership of things?

   Sounds like he either has some ED/performance anxiety OR is demisexual (where emotional attachment is what breeds sexual desire).

   The thing is, I’m on that spectrum and communicate to my partners about it.

   Additionally, he sounds super embarrassed about his performance or lack thereof, and rather than having a healthy view about it, he figures bailing is the only way for him to forget about it.

   In short? He’s a mess. There’s a ton to unravel, and he doesn’t sound like he’s done much work on himself.

   This isn’t a you thing and you’re right – no contact is what will help you move on. But you similarly need to find a way to reframe things to understand it’s not about you. He’s probably genuine about having feelings (which exacerbates the embarrassment in spite of your handling it well) – but you need to accept that this is a “him thing” and not a “you thing.”

   You can do everything right and still lose by no fault of your own. And it feels like that’s what has happened here.

5. Sounds like he probably does have some previous trauma. The boy needs therapy. You are not his therapist. Suggest it to him. If he’s not receptive to it, that’s not on you. Move on and go no contact, it’s the only way.

6. I have been on a similar situation like this, and I wasted a lot of time. Go no contact. This is hard, but it is best because this is who he is. Don’t be fooled by the positive moments you two have shared, because they will rarely ever outweigh the negative. Let him figure his shit out on his own, and enjoy your life.

7. I’d strongly suggest he has some sort of personality disorder and if he isn’t in counseling/therapy he isn’t actually working on it

8. This dude sounds like a nightmare. You need to set boundaries. Tell him you really like him and enjoy his company and want a relationship, but if he doesn’t feel the same way then you move on. Tell him you won’t be friends, won’t hang out with his daughter, and won’t respond to his texts.

   Why do people complicate things so much?

9. You have now spent more time in this painful/confusing limbo than you did actually dating. Not everyone is conscious about how manipulative they are being, but the result is the same. I would set a hard boundary of no communication before therapy. If not for yourself, do it for the kids.

10. Hi I dated someone like this and while we did have a lot of chemistry and spent a lot of time together, her self sabotage made it difficult to define the relationship. She never wanted to put a label on the relationship but wanted us to have a bf/gf type relationship which made things too confusing for me.

    In the end I told her I’m looking for a committed relationship, which she was unable to give because of her commitment issues and we parted ways by her running out of the restaurant we were and blocking my calls and social media.

    People like this are not worth the hassle because they will keep you in an emotional rollercoaster and dump you at the slightest chance. My advice is to cut off contact with him and try finding someone willing to take ownership of their feelings towards you so you can have a healthy relationship.

11. get away now, or you’ll regret it down the road

12. he’s 38 and this dysregulated? i understand we all have our healing journeys, but that’s not your job to wait around hoping he’ll turn into a good partner. you’re going to end up constantly abandoning your own needs and disrespecting your boundaries to make him work in your life. he might not be doing it intentionally, but he’s already breadcrumbing you and showing signs of impulsivity and poor communication. that’s never going to turn into something meaningful. his trauma needs to be worked through but that kind of work takes time and at this time he doesn’t seem available to give you anything meaningful.

    wish him the best and move on.

13. I’m sorry but I think he’s playing games.

14. He doesn’t seem self aware. The way he’s been I’d predict that he wants certain things and anything outside of that will be met with stonewalling. You can’t have a mature adult conversation with someone like that till they’ve grown. A LOT. You don’t owe him- enforce firm boundaries coz he’s not gonna respect or give you what you want.

15. He’s trying to force himself into wanting the connection that is freaking him out so bad and convince himself by any means to be okay with it because intellectually he knows that his freak out is irrational and that rationally he should want this connection. The result is this model of “throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks” approach to attempting to make that connection work for him. It’s not uncommon, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to give you what you want. That he’s willing to throw his daughter at the proverbial wall and see if she sticks should raise eyebrows for you.

16. Why are you allowing this guy to do this to you? He has made it obvious that he doesn’t want a relationship with you but is ok toying with your emotions. I can honestly see nothing good out of him from what you wrote

17. > I finally told him. . . I needed no contact as I couldn’t do jusy friends with him right now

    .

    >I say. . .I am here and willing to talk if he decides he wants to pursue things or has an actual emergency. I can’t be just your friend right now

    .

    >2 days later, texting me. . . I acknowledge it

    .
    >2 weeks later (today) he text me again. . . We chatted a bit

    .
    >.[I]said oh well she’s welcome to skateboard with me and my 2 friends if she wants

    .
    >I miss him so much and all of these things are messing with my head

    .
    >Ideas on what’s going on??

    .
    You two have bad boundaries. Stop engaging with him and you’ll feel better. He is unavailable to you. You are stringing yourself along by entertaining his attention seeking. If you don’t respect your own boundaries others won’t either.

18. I would honestly block him. I know you have feelings for him, but he’s playing with your emotions. The space will help him decide if he really wants you.

19. Trauma or not, this man is messing with YOUR mental health. Cut the chord, no more contact. You’ve expressed you cannot be friends and he continues to speak to you in a friendly manner. You’re not his partner anymore. He should not be burdening you with his therapy or his daughter. It’s time to let go. To me, it sounds like he’s using you for his emotional support but isn’t willing to put in the effort to reciprocate.

    I get that you’re head over heels for him, but you WILL get over him. It’s not worth all this confusion that HE is causing.

20. >WHAT IS GOING ON??
    >
    >He broke up with me due to a lot of trauma he has and needs to work through and being an **avoidant attachment style**.

    You answered your own question. Have you experienced an avoidant attachment style? Look up what they do, should match the textbook definition.

    He will lead no where, most of them have to overcome that first before getting into a relationship. It’s like dating someone on substance abuse. It’s not your job to help them either.

21. Did you have sex only once in your 3 months of dating? Was it his initiative when you did it the first time?

    As a man, I don’t buy his “reasons” to not go any further. If anything, you handled the flacid dick like a pro, he should’ve seen this as a green flag.

22. He’s embarrassed of his sexual performance but also misses you. He’s keeping enough contact to continue talking with you but not enough to ever put himself in a situation where sex could happen again because he knows he won’t be able to perform. Simple as that.

23. Boundaries exist for a reason. It’s up to you whether or not you want to hold to them or not.

24. I used to be like this. I really wanted emotional intimacy but whenever it was offered, even if I really liked the person, I’d freak out and run away. I preferred avoidant partners because they wouldn’t get too close. It was hell on me and hell on my partners. I’m glad he’s in therapy (for himself), but if I were you, I’d just move on. Being with someone like this will mess you up.

25. This is why I always say, some people need a therapist more than they need a significant other. Just cut your losses, heal and find someone who isn’t flaky like that. He isn’t being fair to you at all.

26. This guy needs to work on himself and heal whatever is causing him to self sabotage a seemingly good connection. Unfortunately he’s going to keep doing this to you unless you walk away.

27. I went through mental gymnastics just reading your post. Sorry that you’re going through that emotional turmoil. Your mental health is important. I think it’s better to sit down with yourself and deeply reflect on the relationship. There is no need to be in a relationship if he is not completely healed from the emotional trauma.

28. Regardless…he does not sound ready for a relationship, and this is a dead end situation if you are. It doesn’t sound like he will be ready any time soon. The reasons don’t matter at this point—I would cut your losses and cut off all contact, including blocking/deleting his info.

29. Rando here.

    The guy needs psychological professional help.

    I’m pretty sure he’s aware he hurts you, most likely, not on purpose, simply he doesn’t know how not to, when he’s trying to juggle everything (himself, you, his daughter). Tries and fails.

    He’s also clearly trying to use rationality to do the best by his daughter, denying his feelings.

    Not your fault (that’s on him), but also nothing you can do, unless you’re literally a therapist trained to help people with these type of issues. But if that was the case, you wouldn’t consider having a relationship with your patient. Which is what you consider him, by paraphrasing, well, your last phrase:

    >He’s just got trauma and issues he needs to work on (alone).

    Do yourself a favor and rip the band aid off.

30. >I say ok. Well I am here and willing to talk if he decides he wants to pursue things or has an actual emergency. I can’t be just your friend right now, thanks.

    Everything after this is your fault for leaving the door open to a person not in a state for a relationship with you. Shut it down.

    It doesn’t even matter what his reasons/motivations are at this point. Actions have meaning.

31. Dealing with a partner with unresolved trauma is no joke.

    My ex-wife experienced serious (and lengthy) childhood sexual abuse, and as a result, she suffers from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and an aversion to emotional intimacy. When we first started dating, she was still having trauma flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, and sometimes cutting herself. I was young and naïve enough to believe that I could simply love her enough to bring about healing. Oooooooh how stupidly wrong I was.

    But I was in love with her, so I hastily jumped into a serious relationship without the *slightest* clue how to deal with all the emotional baggage she carried. I’d never dealt with anything like that before, and like I said above, I was young and naïve enough to believe that I could simply love her enough to bring about healing. And after years of trying, when I couldn’t do anything to make her feel better (or to “fix” her), I developed toxic levels of bitterness, insecurity, and resentment. I felt like a failure. But the truth was that she needed legit professional help — counseling, group therapy, medication, etc.

    Especially early on, I felt the need to protect her from her self-destructive behavior (aside from the self-harm, she also cheated on me, using random sex as sort of an addictive coping mechanism). I had good intentions — wanting to keep her and our relationship safe — but it ultimately resulted in me becoming controlling. And when she felt like I was trying to control her, that only made her pull away and act out *more*, which just made me more controlling, and made her pull away more, and so the vicious cycle continued.

    I also neglected *my* own mental and emotional health in desperately trying to handle *hers*. After years of marriage, I had reached a point where I felt completely drained and empty, like a car that was running on fumes. I had become her sole source of support (which is a *terrible* idea), and I eventually just felt like I had nothing left to give. My reservoir was bone dry, and it took a serious toll on me. I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

    Despite everything, I always loved my ex-wife. Part of me always will — just like you still have strong feelings for this guy. But for a long time, I was completely convinced that I could make things better, that I could somehow push away the ghosts that haunted her, that I could guide her (or sometimes force her) down a better path in life. Again, all good intentions. But delivering on such lofty aspirations was far beyond my ability, and also (as I grew to understand) far beyond my *responsibility*.

    So I’ll say the same things others have said: *You can’t fix him*. It sounds to me like this guy is emotionally unavailable and just wants to use you for support and companionship, without offering *himself* fully in return. I’m not saying he’s being malicious — sometimes it’s just about survival — but the end result is the same. Either way, as much as you may care for him, a situation like that will only ever end in heartache.

32. I was in a similar situation as you with my ex girlfriend. She was a rollercoaster. I still have feelings for her but it’s easier if I’m not with her. For your situation, this guy needs to commit and stop wasting time. It sounds like it will be never games.

33. He sounds a bit like me. I have trauma from past relationships because the first woman I dated threatened to kill herself over me… and the second and third gave me ultimatums and strung me along for several years.

    As much as I’ve been working through my trauma and despite getting the odd crush I feel wildly non-committal. I don’t even want a woman to have a crush on me because it just makes me shut down. It has little to do with attraction or amibition. It seems like something is triggering him to shut down and that is something he’ll need to work through in therapy too.

34. Hi, this is emotionally abusive behavior on his part, even though he is likely not aware he’s doing it. For your safety, go no contact and grieve on your own. Intense connection like what you described is often ONLY caused by intermittent reinforcement and should be a pink flag. I wish you grace in moving on with your life

35. Run. I am saying this due to this part —-> ” being an avoidant attachment style.”

    I am an almost 35F and dated using OLD apps for nearly a decade before I met my now husband…if I could go back to my 20s and give one single piece of dating advice, it would be: Research avoidant attachment, learn to recognize the signs, cut off dating anyone who seems to have this attachment style.

    They make terrible partners without a lot of therapy. Every person I know married to one it was nagging them to death or deliberating over it endlessly in order to get married..and guess what? Now they are married to someone who, if they are being totally honest with themselves, they arent happy with emotionally.

36. OP he is almost 40 and for lack of a better word acting like a child. Please run, you deserve better than a man who has children who is lost in life and can’t manage his emotions. Please OP you deserve a mature partner not some fixer upper guy like this it’s not worth investing time in a guy like this.

    Ask yourself if this was your child instead of you would you think highly of this guy?

37. My ideas are

    ​

    -He’s avoidant

    -He’s giving you mixed messages which hurt you

    -You have some anxious/avoidant attachment stuff based on what you’ve said

    -What he won’t do, plenty of other men will

    -He’s giving you crumbs

    -You need to go NC and block him

38. This is bullshit. He’s keeping you as a back burner.

39. Honestly OP, what value does this guy even bring to your life? I have not read one redeeming/ good quality he has that makes your life better.

40. He’s scared and let his fear try lies his decision. Therapy will help. You can’t. Tell him to come back when he face his fears bc you’re not dealing with it.

41. Block him. He’s almost 40 and hasn’t resolved a lot of things. He’s stringing you along for comfort.

    And him saying the part about waiting to have sex could have made it different, shame on him for saying that, especially when he initiated it. Lots of men think sex before a certain time takes out the mystery or they’ll judge women for having sex “too soon.” And yet no one judges these guys for the same thing.

42. Hey girl. I know this sucks, and I am sorry you developed feelings for this person, but I promise you will develop feelings for a way, way better person down the line. My heart/brain/intestines whatever the hell controls the “feelings” module of our programming, makes some pretty dumb fuckin choices too 🤷‍♀️ I think my father put it best to me and saved me a few thousand dollars in therapy. “You’re a genius when it comes to life, but a dumbass when it comes to your heart.”

    Sometimes you’ve gotta fight the feelings and move the hell on. I’m a romantic by nature and get hung up when I get strong feelings for someone too because if I’m having these feelings, they must be special, right? Wrong! Lol You deserve soooooooooo much more!!! Here to remind you of that!
    So do what you need to do to purge those feelings out. Take it out at the gym, on a gallon of ice cream, or cry to a playlist in your car (Spotify is a gem and has both a sad and angry breakup playlist available, depending on the grief stage you’re in). You’ll get through this, I promise! But keep that clown away from you!!!! 💜💜💜