TL;DR: My bf isn’t the person he was and I feel like our relationship is in a slump. His behaviour makes it obvious that I should leave him but I’m going through a very difficult time and cannot deal with the heartbreak of ending a relationship.
We have been dating for 7 months now. I met him during the hardest time of my life and he made things feel a little less shitty and sad. But as the months dragged on, I started seeing him for who he truly is.
He is currently going through issues at home that has left him constantly exhausted. He constantly asks for space. He constantly tells me he’s confused as to why he even has a gf. He once told me he needed a dog, not a gf. I am so confused because this man pursued me for months and treated me like a queen at the beginning of the relationship. I understand the “honeymoon phase” wears of but I feel like he is a whole different person now? I don’t know how he changed so much. There are moments where he has bouts of self awareness and apologizes profusely. He blames his ADHD, says it’s work and family issues leaving him stressed. He tells me he’s lucky to have me, calls me a saint and wife material for sticking with him when he’s down. But then he goes back to square one and acts like he always does.
I don’t want to be treated this way. I know I should leave him. My patience is wearing thin and I feel insulted, not loved, everyday.
But I feel like I can’t. He’s a good distraction. I’m going through so much at home and in my personal life that I just cannot bear the pain of ending a relationship right now. It will wreck me.
I don’t know what to do. Please give me your best advice.
13 comments
You deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect. It’s understandable that you’re going through a difficult time, but staying in a relationship that makes you feel insulted is not worth it in the long run. Take some time for yourself and prioritize your own happiness.
You have just outgrown the relationship. If he is a distraction, you can find another distraction easily and without the guilt of feeling obligated to your bf.
Your bf will be ok. Breaks up are a part of life.
You are eating a pile of shit because there is a piece of candy at the bottom. In other words you are in a deeply unsatisfying relationship because once in awhile it feels good. End this quickly. Don’t blame or get in a long talk. Don’t give him any hope that in time things could change. Tell him you are breaking up with him and wish him well. Then leave. Or if you can’t bring yourself to do it in person, or that feels unsafe, call him and tell him.
Hey throwradahn, I was like your boyfriend at 21 and I treated my then-girlfriend like an accessory. I had no idea why she dumped me back then but I am so glad she did. She’s doing way better now and would have resented me forever if she’d stayed, and it was the kick in the pants I needed to change my attitude and go to therapy.
You dumping him is what both of you need. He probably won’t take it well though.
He didn’t change as a person. His circumstances changed with him having a ton of stress dumped on him, and he simply doesn’t have the energy to do what he was doing before.
You have to ultimately decide if you care about him and want to stay or if you want to leave. If you want to leave, then pull the band-aid off so that you’re not wasting his time.
>My bf isn’t the person he was
If it helps (and it should!) this isn’t true. After only 7 months, what’s happening is that you’re getting to know him a little better. In fact, in such a short period of time, you’re just beginning that process of knowing him.
The same applies to what you said about the honeymoon phase. At 7 months, it’s not over! You’ve barely begun it. Everything should be sunshine and roses.
Right now, it’s very common, esp in your age group, for people to love the “idea” of a relationship and want to be in a serious, loving, committed one. That part is typical. What’s not so typical is the tendency to rush through it. There are several reasons for this, including the pandemic fallout. The problem is, it doesn’t work.
When you say you can’t “bear the pain of ending a relationship right now”, try to turn your thinking around. The one thing in your life that is supposed to be giving you extreme happiness is causing you so much angst you’re here on reddit asking about it. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by yourself.
Instead of hoping a relationship will keep you afloat and help resolve the other problems in your life, try the reverse. Figure out how to fix those problems, and then you’ll be in a better position to find someone worthy of you.
You need to stop telling yourself that you cannot do it, that you won’t cope. You can.
*But I feel like I can’t. He’s a good distraction. I’m going through so much at home and in my personal life that I just cannot bear the pain of ending a relationship right now. It will wreck me*
But I feel like I can. He’s adding to my already bad situation and I can’t bear the burden of extra emotional torture. Leaving him will at least take away one big issue that is contributing to my already bad situation
Fixed for you.
That said, break ups hurt but love is not enough.
You just need to be strong and deal with the pain of emotional separation. It always seems impossible but is always easier than expected. A full break makes it easier. Block him everywhere. You got this! You deserve better.
a lot of the relationships i have been in have only ended because i was strong enough to say “enough was enough” and walk away. men are squishy and don’t like to do the hard thing to hurt themselves or other people. often they will make things miserable and hope you get the hint and break things off for them. do what’s best for you. at 22 your relationship with this man can feel very important and all consuming. you are young. you will meet more people. it’s time to move on, you can do it. time heals all wounds. six months from now you’ll probably look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.
I have ADHD and I’ve never told my husband I’d trade him for a dog. Actions speak louder than words. He’s banking on a few compliments being enough to keep you around even though he’s acting shitty the majority of the time. I know you have a lot going on, but adding dealing with him to your problems isn’t making it better. I think you already know what you need to do.
Look. What he needs is a therapist and a friend to help him through this. What he doesn’t need and cannot maintain is a romantic relationship. He might be a lovely person, but he needs to be more than that to meet your needs and be right for you.
Also I’d be insulted if my gf called me a distraction. You can find “a good distraction” anywhere. It doesn’t have to be him.
You sound like you’re in pain NOW while you’re in the relationship. Ending it just means less stress.
The longer you stay, the more difficult it would be to leave him. It seems like you are using him as a way to cope with your own problems as well. Like you said, he’s a distraction for your life, that’s no way to live. I can’t tell you what to do, but I feel like you guys both have issues to tend to and it might be better to deal with those without being in a relationship. If he is telling you things like he would rather have a dog than have you, that sums it up for me.