So I was a late bloomer and didn’t have sex until I was 23. By that time, I had given up on waiting for my first time with someone I loved and just had casual sex with a very nice man. After that I started a fling of casual situationships, nothing ever getting serious. After doing this for four years, I was finally ready to look for something different and I wanted to be in a serious, loving, relationship. That was when I met my ex boyfriend. By our third date I realized I was infatuated and after four months I knew I loved him. He was the first guy I ever envisioned marrying. Unfortunately he broke up with me due to an avoidant attachment style and his fear I would get cancer in the future ( I’m a cancer survivor and my scans scared him). It has completely broken my soul and I’m slowly trying move on.
I recently found out he was back on dating apps and realizing he was moving on, I thought I would too. I downloaded an app and realized I did not want to hop into another serious relationship because I was not over him and that would not be fair to the men I was talking to. I thought, okay well let’s get on another app and just see if we can have some casual sexting. I was very blunt about me being on the rebound and just wanting something casual. I’m lonely and it’s been months since sex.
I matched with a guy who talked so dirty to me. I was like yay this is exactly what I used to love and some casual sexting will give me a nice confidence boost. We were going back and forth and suddenly I just started sobbing. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and guilt. I pulled myself together and kept sexting to get this guy off and to push myself to get over my ex. When he came and we said our good nights, I just wept. I miss my ex and want him back so badly. I don’t want anyone but him. I feel so dirty and so gross. I feel like I just cheated even though we broke up and he is moving on without me. He isn’t coming back and I feel so abandoned.
I am upset because what if I can’t have casual sex anymore? It’s all I have ever really known and now all I can think about is wanting some to love me and not fuck me. I’m angry and sad. I just want to be loved my ex only. I just feel like I’m a whore in recovery from being broken up with. Has anyone else ever had this happen? Am I only going to be attracted to loving relationships now or can I ever get back to casual sex again? Are my whore days ruined ?
2 comments
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No, girl. Your whore days are far from over. Trust me, I’ve been in your shoes multiple times before. Sometimes when we get our heart broken, it takes longer to heal than we expect and trying to “force” yourself to move on faster only makes it worse.
I also cried after being sexual with someone for the first time ~3 months after being broken up with by my ex. So I deleted the apps and waited another month to try again. When i was ready to try again, i met someone i was really attracted to who helped me take my mind off my ex. It took time, but eventually i moved on. 2 years later i’ve had lots of other amazing sex partners and i almost never think about my ex.
You’ll get there, I promise. Just let yourself heal for now & don’t pressure yourself to move on just bc you feel like you *should* be ready. You have a lifetime of great sex to look forward to 🤍