Ok I’m going to try and keep this short. My (31f) boyfriend (32m) and I got into a fight that made me feel like I needed to leave the house. I went to a friend’s house where several of my closest friends were having dinner and broke down and spilled my relationship drama to them. I thought I could just go over and cool down without talking about it but I burst into tears when I saw them. I spent the night with a friend and didn’t tell my boyfriend I wasn’t coming home.
He feels betrayed by me for airing our issues out to my group of friends and for leaving him hanging waiting up for me to come home. He also feels super judged by my friends even though they are the most understanding and welcoming people in the world.
We’ve been working through our issues really well and have both said that this ugly situation may have saved our relationship. He’s been avoiding seeing my friends for weeks now. We have a set plan to all get together every Thursday and he’s been staying home but every week he’s really mad and upset about being left out. I’ve explained that no one is judging him and everyone just wants him to come hang and move on. My friends have even reached out to him. But for some reason he’s hanging onto the idea that they think he’s a bad guy, won’t accept him anymore and that he can’t be himself around them.
I keep trying to encourage him to rip off the bandaid and come hang and he’ll see it’s all good like before. No one has any hard feelings about what happened but he can’t seem to get over that night when I left and talked about him to my friends.
I learned a valuable lesson and have been apologetic about making him feel like he’s on the outs and can’t trust me, I’ve promised to keep our relationship and his private matters to myself and I learned that when I need some space I need to take it alone. Most days since we have been super happy and getting along great. But when Thursdays come it’s back to square one. How can I help him through this? I can’t see any solution other than him facing them.
TLDR; boyfriend feels alienated from friend group after a fight I made their business. He is having trust issues with me and feels judged by them. How can I help him realize it’s all in his head and move on?
17 comments
I think your boyfriend needs to realize that everyone has relationship issues and it’s not something to be ashamed of. Your friends sound supportive and want him to be part of the group again.
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It sounds like you made a move that you didn’t realize he was uncomfortable with.
>I learned a valuable lesson and have been apologetic about making him feel like he’s on the outs and can’t trust me.
I’m glad that you recognized how your actions made him feel AND said so to him. That’s a great start. But…
>I’ve promised to keep our relationship and his private matters to myself and I learned that when I need some space I need to take it alone.
Is that a solution that you’re okay with? Everyone has conflicts in their relationships, and if you think you can handle those conflicts completely on your own, then go for it. But if you think a future scenario may come up (like this last one) where you either need outside perspectives or a shoulder to cry on, then you’re going to be at a high risk for breaking your promise, which is just going to make his trust in you even worse.
So instead, work with him on a solution, outcome, or compromise that could work for both of you. Is there a person you can confide in who he trusts as well? Would he feel more comfortable with you talking about your relationship with someone else if you let him know in advance? Maybe he has preferences for what topics he doesn’t want discussed with others? There’s plenty of room for negotiation here.
>He is having trust issues with me and feels judged by them. How can I help him realize it’s all in his head and move on?
My dude, in what situation is a lack of trust or feeling of being judged NOT in someone’s head? The fact that it’s all in his head doesn’t make it any less valid. Emotions are a head thing, and emotions are a core part of relationships.
Putting that aside, the best way to help him is to **work with him**. Ex: “I understand that you feel a lack of trust, and you’re worried that my friends judge you. I want to be able to spend time with my friends in a way that doesn’t make you feel alienated or outcast. What can I do that could help? I want to make sure that whatever we come up with is something that works for you.”
I kinds of understand what hes feelings. Its different for you because they have always been your friends so its easier for you to brush it off.
But from his perspective you basically showed them(strangers) naked pictures of him and hes feeling exposed and his privacy violated by strangers and by you. You are asking him to get over and and move on.
You may not see it that way, maybe even your friends don’t see it that way. But to some people their life drama especially the one involving their relationship is to be kept private. Hes also probably feeling that anytime stuff goes down its going to be leaked to your friends and he is finding it hard to trust that you won’t.
This is hard, its the type of thing that requires time. He may or may not get over it.
You threw him under a bus with your friends and that bell can’t be unrung. To be honest I think this relationship is done but you have learned a valuable lesson, however seeing as your thirty one years old I’m not sure that you really understand what you did wrong.
From your comment, I think it matters what he did during this fight that made you feel you had to leave.
If you felt threatened it’s completely diff than if you were just done fighting, he wouldn’t stop, and wanted to just get some space.
In any case, he’s just embarrassed, and even if some of your friends have reached out, he thinks others will hold this incident against him. So you tell him he either comes on Thursday or he doesn’t but he can’t be sad if you go. Seems he wants you to avoid these friends so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
Also I feel pretty strongly that you need at least one friend you can vent your problems to. That’s what they’re for. It’s ridiculous that you would never talk about him or your relationship with your friends.
We all do it and don’t hold it over the partner. Its a way to get an objective opinion on what’s going on.
>I went to a friend’s house where several of my closest friends were having dinner and broke down and spilled my relationship drama to them. I thought I could just go over and cool down without talking about it but I burst into tears when I saw them. I spent the night with a friend and didn’t tell my boyfriend I wasn’t coming home.
Honestly your relationship is probably done. You made two absolutely monumental fuck ups here and I’m not sure how you recover.
>No one has any hard feelings about what happened
It’s impossible to believe this. Your friends might be telling you this to make you feel better but it’s naive to trust that it’s true. Your friend group isn’t going to forget you showing up unannounced and then bawling about how awful your boyfriend is. None of them are going to see him the same way ever again.
Like I said, you fucked up. This isn’t something you “help him through” and it’s not something that’s “all in his head.” *You fucked up*. Now your best hope is to defer to him on this topic. Let him guide the discussion and if he is never comfortable around these people again, well, that’s the price you pay for what you did.
I’m super curious what this fight was about, by the way. Pretty notable that you beat around that bush.
I’d also be very embarrassed if my partners friends knew I had tantrums like a little kid.
Sorry, he feels betrayed by you. You did what many men hate, discussing very personal relationship details with your friends. Big mistake.
No judgement from your friends? I would call bullshit on this. He knows, probably correctly, your friends are now discussing your boyfriend behind closed doors.
You had relationship problems and what you did just added to them.
Holup
So he gets mad at you if you wake him and he gets mad if you let him sleep. When he gets mad he gets verbally and physically aggressive. So aggresive that you dont feel safe at home. And now, he’s making you feel like you have to keep all the details of your relationship private from your friends who are still inviting him to join you at hangouts???
This is like the summary of a made for tv movie about domestic abuse.
Your solution (keeping your relationship absolutely private) sounds unsustainable and very isolating.
Friends are there to celebrate the good times and help support you during the bad. By keeping your friends at arms-length and cut off from things that are troubling you (including in your relationship) you’re going to find yourself not sharing your authentic self with your friends.
I’d rethink this.
Your bf has to understand that you’re not just in a relationship with him but also in a relationship with your friends and family.
He is over-reacting. Don’t spill everything and anything to your friends but being able to talk to them about important issues you’re dealing with is important. Asking you never to speak about him or your relationships is unrealistic
Honestly I don’t see anything wrong with him but actually from you.
Let’s put aside the reason you had that fight with him which caused you to leave the house, from your point of view you don’t see that he’s feeling exposed like if you have been showing them a picture of you both in bed.
You have to understand that they are your friends not his, you might think that they want to hang out with him but they are most likely just going with the River you can’t know what people think 100%, they might just want to reach him out after the accident out of pity not actual interest on him which for sure would hurt any guy not only your boyfriend dignity.
And i have to add that something like that should be told to just a single friend who you can empty your heart to not to a group like if it’s a drama show
Trust me if i was him i wouldn’t want to hang out with them either
Projectiles? Like he threw things? Are we really just going to gloss over that?
In my personal opinion, you didn’t do anything wrong other than not letting him know you weren’t coming home. I think regardless of a fight, I would tell my partner if I wasn’t coming back home so they aren’t scared, etc.
But, back to my point. People are allowed to vent to their friends about their relationship. That’s literally why we have friends, so we can talk about our lives, cry to one another, help, etc. I think it is controlling and unhealthy when people don’t want their partner to talk about them w/friends.
I’m with your boyfriend. That is the number one thing you don’t do, which is talking about your relationship in any capacity but especially when you’re having issues, so I hope this was a lesson learned for you. Because I wouldn’t go hang out with people when my partner is crying to them and saying who knows what. Whether you meant to do it or not you made him look bad and it casts him in a different light to them he has every right to not want to see them again I totally understand it
He’s calling you names and throwing things and now he’s trying to isolate you from your friends. I don’t think this relationship is as healthy as you think.
Just… be aware of this avoidant behavior turning into him trying to isolate you from the people who kept you safe when he was throwing things at you and calling you names.