okay so i’m in my early 20s and it’s been about two years since i’ve learned (or tried to) stop people pleasing and express how i feel if something bothers me. anyways to get to the point, i’ve had two friends for over 8 months now and we recently went on a trip together for over a week and later in the week we met with two of my friends. long story short, my other friend was very distant once my other friends came into the picture and became kinda snippy w/ me which made me uncomfortable so i ofc gravitated to my other friends. the trip as a whole, i realized my friend and i weren’t as compatible as i thought & honestly felt like i was walking on egg shells at certain times. i didn’t really know how to communicate that without being mean so i kinda just let it slide but after i got home… i tried to civilly end the friendship bc at least just the way i am (which idk if this is toxic of me or what) if a friendship is making me uncomfortable or i notice we aren’t that compatible, than i don’t want to waste my time and would rather have maybe one friend that doesn’t make me feel that way. however the response from that friend did not go over well and now i feel guilty. the other friend took it well and wanted to be civil as well but with the other friend.. their response made me feel bad. this is the second friendship i’ve ever had to “end” but idk if it’s a defense mechanism or what but how am i easily able to cut ppl out of my life?!
im so sorry this is long and appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and has any advice to give:’)
1 comment
You need to try to understand why it bothers you.
Like 5/6 years ago I was like you, if I saw something that I didn’t like or people didn’t act a certain way or doesn’t have the same mindset at the minimum thing I would cut the friendship and stopped talking to them.
This way you will lose friends, potential girlfriends and other opportunities and you social life will probably decrease.
Now I have a completely different mindset about this.
It was some kind of problem on my end because I didn’t respect people in the way I thought I did before, in some way or that they might change in some months/years, we don’t learn the same things at the same time, some need years or even their whole life to learn something that you have learnt with 15y.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t or you shouldn’t set boundaries or cut some people, but you need to deeply think about it and not overreact.
Sometimes you don’t even need to cut people, you can just reduce the time you spend with them, invest it anywhere else or meeting new people.
Other problem that I have identified on me is that I didn’t contribute or engaged with some people as much as I thought I did.
I consider myself as an extrovert and a social guy, but at the same time I had problems and now that I’m trying to fix them, I’m more tolerant with other people.
I engage and try to ask more questions, my social life is better and people treat me a little better.
Sometimes the problem is not the others, it’s on us.