I am a framer/carpenter and my parents are always asking me to fix up their house. In the beginning they asked could I just do one job, but then they never stopped adding on more and more requests. They are asking for massive jobs that can take months to do like renovating bathrooms, the kitchen, replacing all the hard-wood floors in the house, landscaping etc.
They do pay me, but it’s not even close to what I’d be making if I did the job for someone else, and they don’t give me the option to negotiate, it’s just can do you do this, and here (an envelop) at the end of the job. Working for them also take 2 to 3 times longer to do any job because they come down to watch and talk.
My parents are planning on moving in the near future and they want a “fixer upper house” so they can get a good deal off me renovating it.
I have other siblings who never lift a finger for my parents. They only get me to do the labour. I do labour 50hrs+ a week for my job and now on my time off I have to do labour for them. It’s becoming exhausting. My other siblings also think I’m going to fix up their houses because of the way my parents are treating me.
Is this a toxic relationship or do I really owe this to my parents? I’m not even that close with them. Anytime I go over it’s to work. I feel like this is only making me resent them more.
7 comments
You are NEVER obligated to provide free labor for your parents. Granted, with your skillset it’s difficult to ask another sibling to do these jobs if they want to ensure quality work, but outside of *small* projects, or things they may not be able to physically do anymore like mow a huge lawn, they need to pay you, or pay someone else. Especially wanting to do a whole house… and then what? They profit off of it at your expense? No. I’d draw up an itemized estimate for what they want done and how much it would reasonably cost in the real world, “and because you’re my parents I will give you a discount of $ (so and so much).” And it that’s not good enough, then too bad too sad.
It’s really hard with family relationships. There’s a thin line between duty/obligation and toxicity. It really depends on the dynamics the members of the family has.
I guess you just have to tell them directly how you feel – whether they take it well or not. The important thing is you tried to communicate with them. How they respond to you may very well say if they are being toxic to you or not.
You don’t owe that to them. It could be considered “financial abuse” if they make you feel like you can’t say “no”. One of the aspects of this kind of abuse is exploiting a loved one’s labor. If they can’t afford a house without exploiting their kid then they can’t afford a house, period. Start learning to say “no” now, to get them used to it.
You should be devoting these years to your own career growth and prospects. Using all your energy to do free/cheap labor for someone else will get in the way of that, and inevitably lead to major burn out. I say this from experience.
I would let them clearly know that you are not available to fix their “fixer-upper” before it gets to the sale. Busy at work, physically sore, a new hobby/interest, whatever you like if you want to beg off gently. The alternative is simply a No, which is a complete answer & doesn’t require explanation or justification. Unfortunately, too many people hear No & continue to badger, question, or negotiate to override another’s boundaries. Often, a solid No w/a reason why not is necessary given the relationship.
Then don’t budge. Cuz they’re used to you giving in.
Parents or not, you’re definitely being taken advantage of. They’ve been benefiting from your free labor for so long they’re planning a home purchase centered around your continued free labor. Unfuckingreal.
You don’t owe your parents unlimited demands on your time, effort, or skills. They chose to have a child & every bit of their time, effort, & skill was owed to YOU as their child. Just like they got when they were being raised. Just like your children will be owed of yours.
They’re emotionally manipulating you if they claim otherwise. As your parents, they do deserve to be treated as kindly & respectfully as their level of parenting deserves. Sounds like you have bent over backwards to do your best, and been taken entirely for granted for it.
Start giving them time quotes like you would with other jobs. Ex. The bathroom would take 2-3 weeks and 25 hours, maybe 35 hours and a month if we’re talking the whole time. And/or I have some better paying jobs lined up (doesn’t have to be true) so I can only come in to work 1-2 times a week for four hours at a time. Maybe if sibling helped me out we could get the job done faster?
Help them realize the time constraints. Set boundaries.
Boundaries. Time to develop a hobby or start prioritizing one you already have. “Gee I can’t, I’ll be ________ing with _________.” Make plans for your free time and stick to it.
Hahaha YES I wanted to start a post with the same word.
The parents are demanding a lot but it is still on OP to say no.
If they ask you and you say yes when you mean no, that’s the first problem. You don’t owe them the work and you are allowed to treat yourself with respect and consideration and say no to their requests… but you have to clearly say no.
If you say no and they respond horribly even after they’ve had a chance to get over their initial disappointment, then yes the parents are being bad and unreasonable. If they ask and you say yes and do the work whilst resenting them over and over again, then you are definitely contributing to the problem.
I’ve personally been really bad at this whole boundaries thing and have got better after some work with a therapist. It is still bloody hard but it has definitely helped me. Set Boundaries: Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab is a great book on this (think it’s currently on offer on the Kindle), Boundaries by Henry Cloud is another one I’ve been recommended a lot- that one has a Christian aspect to it.
Wish this wasn’t so accurate but I’ve found this quote to be true:
“What you allow is what will continue”