I’m going to be vulnerable and explain this to the best that I can for advice I’m going insane about how this is playing out.
I started dating this girl I met from Twitter, we were 6 months in and madly in love everything was perfect up until this happened. The state I lived in past abortion laws that scared my girlfriend and she abstained from having sex with me which at the end of the day it’s her choice I didn’t deserve anything just resorted back to my crippling porn addiction. I say crippling because I had given myself death grip syndrome and only specific situations got me horny which in this case one thing that got me going was masturbation to swiping on tinder. Let me clarify, I didn’t speak to anyone nor entertained anyone and I made a fake account with random stock photos of a male because I genuinely was not interested in nothing happening besides me scrolling and jerking off.
My girlfriend up until then I never gave her a reason to not trust me but one night while I was drunk at an Airbnb we were staying at with friends she went through my phone and found the tinder profile. Just as I explained here I told her what it was but she broke up with me. We got back together stayed together for six more months and I broke up with her in December for something pretty harsh she did to me.
Since we broke up she first agreed she didn’t want to see me but then after hating me for a month she came back because I was the best sex she’s ever had and she wanted me in that way. I got attached again and wanted her back but she could not commit solely based off the tinder issue and left for some months. I blocked her she left a heartfelt message describing she wanted to try again which to my joy I took her up on it and two days later she said she could not commit because she was not over the tinder thing. She came back again after another month wanting to settle down even letting her friends and family know now that she wanted to try only to leave me again because she could not get over the tinder thing.
I love her and want to be with her but she cannot commit over this mistake. Can I have some advice on what I should do or if my mistake was so severe that it could not be forgiven ?
TL;DR: I masturbated to tinder profile pictures (did not interact with anyone) because we weren’t having sex anymore due to abortion ban, this was the only way I could masturbate due to death grip syndrome and my girlfriend has a hard time getting over this and is on and off with me because she can’t get over that and considers it cheating.
5 comments
Honestly, your girlfriend needs to work on forgiving you or move on. Holding onto this one mistake is not healthy for either of you.
She tried to patch up but failed. My ex would masturbate to girls on instagram without interacting with them, and that (among other things he did) has given me longterm PTSD (according to my therapist). It’s deeply traumatic, especially if her trust has been betrayed before.
If both parties are willing, I think couples therapy may help you if you are willing to overcome your porn addiction. Especially since it seems like she does like you a lot. But if abortion is banned, why didnt you guys just use contraception?
Look up betrayal trauma
You should definitely see a sex therapist and a doctor about the death grip syndrome if you haven’t already. I do have to point out though, what else were you supposed to do? Not saying I necessarily approve of what you did, but if she’s taking sex off the table were you just supposed to not take care of it? It’s her right to do that, it is her body, but you also have the right to decide its a deal breaker. Which given that you state you have/had a porn problem, this might have been the better option. You’re going to have the need regardless of her willingness to have sex. So one way or another you’re going to fulfill that, and this is the result. And she found out and ended it. Also within her right.
Where she is FIRMLY in the wrong is everything after. She comes back, I presume you start having sex again and then she leaves, and holds this over your head. Then continues this cycle several more times. This is manipulative and you’re very clearly a fallback. You’re a placeholder so she doesn’t have to be alone and can have her needs met. But since you made this mistake, she can’t commit. Surely you realize how ridiculous this is right? Maybe im being uncharitable here, but it really does seem like you’re being strung along. If what you did was such a deal breaker, she should have just stayed away. I think your best bet is cutting her out, and then seeking medical help for the death grip syndrome and therapy to work through all of this shit. I think what you did was definitely not the best idea, but I also feel like you were set up for failure in this relationship and that you should have ended it when she took sex off the table since this is such an issue. I will say that I’d 100% end a relationship if sex was taken off the table, because then I’d no longer be compatible with the other person. There is nothing wrong with that, and it was definitely the best decision you could have made. And again. Therapy.
I 1000 percent agree with you on this, no harshness picked up just the reality of it for sure. I thought I was crazy and taking full blame for everything that happened after the initial offense but what you said is true in how I’m just being strung along and a placeholder for her needs essentially being used