My boyfriend is a very kind and loving person. We’ve been together for almost a year. I simply adore him, but his messines drains me.
We recently moved in together. Before we took this step, I didn’t really understand how messy he can be, as he would always try to clean up a bit before I came to his place. His clothes and cigarette buds are everywhere, if he cooks something, the kitchen is a MESS afterwards. I’ve been trying to keep that kitchen tidy since moving in, but nothing helps. He is also not a fan of cleaning his toilet or vacuuming. If his mother doesn’t tell him to take out the trash or do other chores around the house, he simply doesn’t do it. There are still a lot of boxes around the house with his stuff, that he has to sort through…yeah. Those boxes are gonna be there forever.
I tried talking to him about it, but he got offended and kinda angry. He told me that not everyone can be on the same level of cleanliness, but that he tries to understand me and not take it personally.
I feel trapped. The messines and dirtiness overwhelms me. I can’t focus on anything, because everywhere I turn, there is some shit laying around. I also don’t want to start doing everything around the house cause then I’m just gonna be his maid.
I feel really guilty for thinking like this, but I’m starting to regret moving in with him. It’s like he’s oblivious to everything. If he is not being told exactly what to do, it’s over.
I don’t know how to approach this problem, I don’t want to ruin this beautiful relationship, but I don’t think I can live like this. Please help!
TLDR: boyfriend is very messy and I don’t know how to approach him about it.
2 comments
He’s almost 30, you’re not his mother. I don’t think he will change
The answer to this is simple. Tell him you love him but you can’t live with him. Move back out again. Live close but not together.
Honestly if he is 27 and like this it won’t change and you shouldn’t feel guilty, for a lot of people this is a deal breaker. Especially when the woman is the more clean/tidy person.
Also consider if you want to be with someone who you have to parent? Him needing told what to clean or tidy or what to do in general to run a home is a massive red flag. Men like this never take initiative or do their fair share and when children eventually come forget about having an equal parent.
He is expecting you to do the mental load and the bulk of the chores. This is not sustainable. And it breeds nothing but resentment. My best advice is to sit him down and tell him you feel like his mother having to clean after him and tell him what to do or ask him all the time to do better and that you didn’t sign up to parent a grown man. Tell him he has to change, and believe me he can change because he is deciding not to do the work because he doesn’t care enough that he lives in a shared space in a partnership, and if he doesn’t change break up or move out.
This will be your life if he doesn’t change.