Crossposted.
Hi. This has been eating away at me since it happened on April 15.
I stay overnight on weekends at a house with 10 people around my age since we do a sport together, and we’re all from far away cities. I live about 4 hours away so after rehearsal, these people give me housing between Saturday and Sunday’s rehearsal.
I was sitting on the couch with a girl alongside the others. We were watching tv. The others went upstairs leaving the two of us on the couch alone, playing our switches.
She was getting close but I ignored her, and then she repositioned her body into a slump and put her elbow on my penis.
I froze, and she asked if that was my penis. I said yes, and then she grabbed it.
I froze up again and started to become erect, and she asked if she could touch it, and I shakingly said yes. This kills me. She began to put her hand in my shorts and touch my penis and after 10 seconds I stopped her and thought about my girlfriend and was freaking out internally. I wanted to scream, I felt like I was the worst person on the planet.
She asked me if she could give me head and I said no, that I was uncomfortable. She talked about how she thought I was attractive and that she’s sexually open to being with me, but I told her no.
I cried the entire night thinking about how I betrayed my girlfriend. I have never done that before. We had been dating for 6 months. No one had ever grabbed me before and touched me, and I didn’t expect that to happen, and it makes me angry at myself that I let it happen. I feel even more angry and upset that I became erect after her touching me.
I drove home for 4 hours in silence and I went straight to my girlfriend’s home and told her immediately. I told her that another girl had touched me, and I told her no to her advances, but I hesitated and let her touch me longer than I should have, and that I feel undeserving of her love, and I feel like I cheated and betrayed her.
My girlfriend hugged me, and told me she doesn’t feel that way, but I feel like I’m responsible and a horrible person.
I feel like I am haunted by guilt and I want to heal and be a good boyfriend to my girlfriend, but I feel like I’m a terrible person and that I can never redeem myself. I have never cried more in the last 5 days, compared to the last 5 years of my life.
What should I do?
TL;DR: girl tried to seduce me by touching me when she knew I had a girlfriend, I didn’t want to, but I hesitated and accepted then immediately turned her down and feel like a horrible boyfriend.
3 comments
I think it’s important for you to continue being honest and communicating with your girlfriend. It’s understandable that you feel guilty, but it’s also important to remember that you didn’t actively cheat on her. Seek therapy if needed to work through your feelings and to strengthen your relationship.
Your girlfriend forgave you. This is on you to fix now.
Why do you think you’re reacting so strongly to this?
Hey, sorry you’re dealing with this. I think that this was a confusing situation, and consent was very cloudy. She didn’t ask if she could touch you at all but went ahead and put her elbow on your privates. Then, she didn’t ask if she could *grab* your privates next, but did anyway. And to make matters more confusing, her unwanted actions aroused you – which wasn’t your choice, just your body reacting as anyone’s would to arousing stimuli – and when she finally asked for permission to make *any physical contact with you*, it didn’t really matter because she was already doing it in a very intimate way and showed she would do it whether you wanted her to or not. She gave you zero choice in that whole situation going from 0 to 100 real quick, and that’s not your fault.
It’s as if you’re walking on the street, and someone zipping by on a motorcycle grabs you and puts you on the back of the bike without slowing down. Sure, there might be some dopamine and adrenaline going, but once your body calms down enough for your brain to think past all the surging hormones, you realize it’s kinda fucked up for someone to throw you into a vulnerable situation out of nowhere, even if part of it felt a little good, even if no physical harm was done. The whole event would still leave you on edge, feeling a little robbed of your autonomy, and upset with yourself for enjoying what you didn’t yet understand to be happening. That is the other person’s fault. When someone puts your back up against the wall like that, it’s hard to tell them, “No, I want to stop.” But you did! And you deserve to be proud of yourself for that, and angry at them, too.
My advice is to talk to a therapist or counselor about what happened if you can. And don’t beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong – in fact, you did just about everything right in this situation.