TLDR; My (21F) boyfriend (24M) keeps begging me to take him back after we ended thing’s. It’s making me feel like shit.
I will provide some reasons of what led to me ending thing’s with him.
\-He loves “joking” around and “bantering” but he tend to take things too far and it will get to the point where he’ll say something to offend me and make me upset. He will then get annoyed at me for it and complain about how “I can never joke around with you, you take thing’s to seriously” and say he feels like he “can’t be himself around me.”
\- When we’re having an argument or a disagreement, he will constantly talk over me and interrupt me to the point that he is dominating the conversation. I’m unable to get my point across, and when I try to talk he’ll get mad at me and tell me “don’t interrupt me because you don’t like when I do it to you”, yet he ironically constantly does it to me.
\- He got upset with me because I wasn’t comfortable with sending him explicit photo’s everyday. He felt like he deserved them since he’s my bf, and that since I know he likes photos like that I should do it for him. Then made me feel bad for setting a boundary with him, and set a boundary with me out of spite.
\- Every time we get into arguments I have to ask him multiple, multiple times to apologize. But yet when I do something to offend him I apologize to him right away.
\-He got mad at me for my hygiene once because we were going away for the weekend, and I forgot to pack the soap I use to wash “down there”. He got annoyed at me that I wouldn’t use the regular BODY WASH in the shower to wash down there, cause that’s what he used.
\- Every time we get into a disagreement about something, he turns it around on me and will bring up thing’s from the past to try to “prove a point”.
Up until yesterday we were not speaking and in another disagreement because he’s mad at me for something that I did that he feels is disrespectful to him. But yet he did the same thing, but worse, to me and he’s just acting like that never happened.
He’s called me like three times now crying and begging me to take him back, give him one more chance and for us to try and work it out. He feels like he fucked up so bad by getting mad at me. He’s never felt this way, or cried, over anyone before. The thought of not being able to talk to me, text me, come see me, hold me etc he just can’t deal with.
He’s also felt like he wanted to break up twice before in the relationship, but because at the time I got so upset with that and he “saw my pain” and loved me so much he decided to stay and work it out with me. He’s saying how I should do that same.
I feel the same way that he does and this is a hard decision for me to make too. But I feel like ultimately this is what’s best right now. If we make up, it’s going to be good for a week or two and then go back right to how it is. I feel like I have a lot to work on and so does he.
28 comments
It’s time to block him and move on.
Begging doesn’t change anything. He didn’t care enough to change and avoid the breakup. It’s not changing now. It’s just him not wanting to let go.
Let him go. Move on.
That sounds so hard!
He has a lot of growing up to do. His response is still all about him, not what’s best for you.
I would tell him you’re sorry he’s hurting and you hope he reaches out to friends. Maybe encourage him to practice respect for others’ boundaries and better conflict resolution skills with his friends and family even when it’s hard, so that he’s more ready for his next relationship, but that can’t be with you.
Here are tips for healthier conflict, which I hope you get to experience with your next partner!
https://www.self.com/story/fighting-fair
You made the right choice in breaking up. He’s your ex, stop referring to him as your boyfriend. You owe him nothing and his problems and emotional state are his responsibility and not yours and he needs to deal with it, not you. Stop worrying about him. He’ll survive and maybe he’ll grow to become a better person, or not. Not your problem anymore.
Since he persists in contacting you, block him everywhere. Stop following him on social media if you still are. Focus on yourself. Eat/sleep/exercise right. Spend time with friends. Invest in a new hobby. Don’t be surprised if you feel regret and loneliness, it’s normal in a relationship to look back with rose colored glasses and ignore all the bad things and remember the very few good things. Think logically about those bad things. They are still going to be a problem if you get back together. If the emotions are too much for you and you find yourself venting too much to your friends and family, get a therapist asap because you’ll burn out your relationships if you make your emotional pain the focus of them.
Great comments! I just want to add how impressed I am that you can write out his issues and realize the relationship is a lost cause. Good for you. There are simply too many serious issues in your list for him to suddenly become a decent human. Not a chance, no matter how hard he begs.
Please stick to your guns and wish him a happy future with someone else. You deserve so much better than a guy who treats you like this. I wish you the best going forward.
Girl. The kindest thing you can do for yourself right now is go no contact. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (there are free PDFs online) – you are describing abusive behavior that is described nearly exactly the same way in the book. It will help give you the resolve to go no contact.
Your ex is continuing to disrespect your boundaries by begging (aka attempting to manipulate you). The crying and false promises are part of the abuse cycle.
So, even his attempt to get you back includes a “a remember all the bad things YOU did you ME that I overlooked?” girl no.
you’re absolutely correct.
stand your ground. he will survive.
it’s time to consider blocking him and closing this door altogether.
he is a selfish person. very very selfish.
he will likely never change.
this behavior is a typical ‘hoover’ look it up. it’ll remove you further from his attachment.
🚫📵🙅♀️👻
Go put on “We are never getting back together”, and block him.
🎶 People worth being with don’t need to beg 🎶
Block him and move on
I’m not saying he’s a narcissist because there’s not enough to indicate that, but he does have some of the qualities of someone that is. The reason why he’s upset is you broke up with him and he didn’t break up with you. So if you go back to him, guess what’s gonna happen he’s going to break up with you as he has the power to do so and you don’t in his mind.
Friend, when I was your age I had a boyfriend like yours. He was a mean-spirited jerk who hid behind his ‘love’ to try and make me accept being treated poorly.
I wasted two years trying to love him how he said he needed, and he never got any better. I came out of that relationship feeling insecure and down about myself.
Ask yourself; is the juice worth the squeeze? If you’re not willing to trudge through his many character flaws like “being mean but just kidding”, then this relationship isn’t for you.
You deserve someone who will lift you up, and you’re being offered someone who will ‘jokingly’ tear you down. Make your decision based around his actions, not his words. He can tell you he loves you but by disregarding your boundaries and attempting to manipulate you, his actions are telling a different story.
Just. Block. Him. Now.
A big fat no.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
This list is great. So well reasoned and completely clear. Read this again and again every time he calls or whenever you miss him. Don’t get nostalgic or swayed by what-ifs. Keep remembering that this is what you KNOW about him.
Stop contact with him altogether. If he regrets his actions – great, let him learn to be a better a person on his own time. But stop putting yourself through this emotional pain and move on.
He’s a fucking asshole. Don’t take him back. He doesn’t care about you or love you. He doesn’t respect you at all. He’s crying because he thought he could control you, but you proved him wrong. Don’t accept this treatment. I wasted 4 years when I was your age with an assole like this. Use my experience to do better for yourself. It’ll only get worse
Block him and never speak to him again. It’ll do wonders for your mental health.
It all sounds like it stems from his insecurity. I was quite insecure as a young man. The going too far with jokes and then, rather than apologizing, saying YOU are too sensitive? That is because he can’t handle the idea that he did something that is upsetting you and possibly driving you away so he makes it your issue.
With the talking over, he is so concerned that you see his point of view because he feels it will absolve him of guilt in a situation that could drive you away. If the issue is your fault, you can’t leave him for that, right?
The pics thing, again, insecurity. Maybe his friend’s GF’S send them sultry photos and because he is not getting those from you he feels like you two are not as close or connected. Perhaps he even wants the pics as a security measure to try to force you to stay by threatening to leak them. Some guys are like that. But the reverse boundary is just pettiness though.
The inability to apologize and always turning things around on you is again because he can’t handle being the one causing you to want to leave and if it’s your fault, you can’t be upset with him, right? If you did something wrong, you apologize like an adult, without blaming the other person for your actions.
The whole thing about having wanted to break up with YOU but not doing it because he realized how much it would hurt you and how much he loves you is absolute HORSESHIT and manipulation, pure and simple. “Im such a good guy that i didn’t break up with you! If you break up with me it proves you never loved me and you’re NOT a good person!”. I know people who have been married for 30+ years because of this type of insecure and idiotic manipulation. Of course you love(d) him. Staying with him when the relationship has run its course and isn’t pleasant isn’t the only way to prove that. And you don’t need to prove it to him or anyone else anyways.
A break up might be the best thing for both of you. You’re both young and need to experience the world and other people. He needs to learn that his insecurity is unattractive and his manipulation tactics do not foster a healthy relationship. But it’s not your responsibility to walk him through that. I had to lose good partners and go to therapy when I was sick of it to get better and become better partner. He likely will have to do the same.
Block.
Block block block
Just block babe
Dang he’s still trying to manipulate you. Time to block and move on.
don’t do it. it’s not worth the emotional energy it’ll take to even TRY again. what would you tell a sibling or friend if they were in your place and asked for your advice?
Ah, yes, Schrodinger’s douchebag… someone who decides whether or not he was “joking” or “taking it too far” based on everyone’s reaction in the room.
Hi, I didn’t even have to read until the end to figure out this guy is emotionally manipulative, controlling over even your basic hygiene decisions, unable to communicate effectively or interested in your comfort in the relationship. Don’t take him back, you’re so young and have so much life to live happy and thriving, and maybe with a decent person by your side! ❤️
Ew hell no. Block this obsessive manipulative creep ASAP!
That list is just red flag after red flag. He bullies you then blames you for getting upset, he doesn’t respect you or what you have to say, refuses to respect reasonable boundaries, he got upset because you wouldn’t use body wash (seriously, wtf, why does that affect him at all?). Block and move on
Stay apart… hes childish and this is toxic
I think you’re making a wise choice. If he can’t be himself around you then he should find a better suited person.
You need someone who respects your boundaries and needs.
Y’all are not suited together and that’s okay. No reason to hurt each other just over and over again.
I think it’s beautiful that you want to work on yourself and wish that he would too.
You sounds very kind and mature.
You’re doing the right thing.
His behaviors are extremely abussive and manipulative. He sounds like he is not ok mentally. You can’t change him
And it’s up to him. Stay away from him and block him.