If I break up with him, I’ll look like a horrible person. What do I do?
Edit:: Thank you to all the comments from yesterday. I broke up with him this morning not even 1 hour ago because of a lie he told to skip school again. I’ve been crying and working through it with my mother. I feel horrible because of worry but I hope he will survive and thrive. Thanks for commenting, reading, and have a nice day.
I (18f) have been with my (18m) partner since last August. At first things were great: he was funny, cute, a good lover and great company. We spent a lot of time together on his insistence and started to get to know each other better. I developed feelings for him and got very attached especially because we held each other through trauma caused by our families. He was my prince that would take me away from my awful life whenever he smiled.
After a while things started to go not so great. He became jealous and controlling. He would guilt trip me when I wanted something and gaslight me in arguments (anyone who’s ever had to argue with someone who denies something they JUST SAID knows the feeling). He insists on spending entire days with me and makes me feel bad when I asked for personal space. He also made comments about my body which has made me even more self conscious than before.
If I break up with him would I be the asshole? He’s struggling in school (currently in grade 9), has a horrible home life, and he says if I leave him he’ll have nothing and no one. I really love him but I don’t feel the passion I once had and he sees that. It’s sad seeing his face drop when I push him away from me. We’ve also gotten into a lot more arguments. I would love to be his friend still but I don’t think it would be possible. I don’t want to break his heart, the thought of him sad makes me feel sad and I don’t want to break his heart but the truth is I’m unhappy.
Reddit, what do I do?
Tl:dr- I’m unhappy in my relationship but scared leaving would make me a bad person.
20 comments
Why would you be a horrible person leaving a bad relationship? He’s not a good partner. Regardless of his personal struggles, he’s not being good to you. It’s not your responsibility to fix him. I think this is a great first step to take so that you never feel like you have to stay in future relationships either. Be you’re own hero
Breaking up is never easy, but staying in an unhealthy relationship will only make things worse in the long run.
So, you get to be sad in your relationship, or he gets to be sad out of it?
Why do YOU have to be the one who suffers in sadness? Why are you placing more value on his feelings than your own?
Choose yourself first.
He’s smothering you. Get out. You both need to get on with your lives. The longer you stay, the worse it will be when you do end it.
You’re being held hostage right now.
Of COURSE you would feel guilty. of COURSE you would feel bad if you hurt him (and he has made it clear that he’s going to make it known just how bad you hurt him if you were to end the realtionship) But that can’t be the thing that keeps you in a relationship. It’s not healthy for you to be unhappy and honestly? Its not healthy for HIM to be in the relationship. For one thing, no one who is mature and healthy enough to be in a relationship behaves the way he behaves. But also like… lets do the devil’s advocate thing. lets say he was a perfect angel and you wanted out just because there’s some super hot guy you wanna bang instead of your boyfriend. Wouldn’t you agree its STILL the better thing to do to break up with him? Because he deserves someone who isn’t fantasizing about banging the pool boy? Like… even in situations where he’s NOT a jerk, its the right thing to do to end a relationship when you’re unhappy with it. So surely situations where your partner is refusing to treat you well are also a totally valid excuse to end things?
if you’re scared to leave someone you shouldn’t be with them. That’s not a healthy relationship. If you think you’re going to be a bad person for leaving someone who isnt ready to be in a relationship and is being quite cruel to you then you’re not quite understanding the fact that being in this relationship is much worse than being considered a bad person. You arent a bad person for breaking up with someone. It should be considered a healthy thing to do when a relationship is not working for either party.
No, you wouldn’t be the asshole. He is just saying shit to lie and manipulate like any other time, and even if there was some truth to it, it doesn’t matter you don’t exist to provide motivation, you get to live for you and your own needs
Your bf is abusive and controlling and this relationship will destroy you.
If you stay you will continue to be a victim. If you leave, know in your own heart that you are an example for abused women everywhere who take back their lives. It might be a bit much to call you a hero for leaving, but it takes courage to do it.
Leave him now
Relationships aren’t hostage situations.
Most people understand this just fine.
Block him, and don’t take his shit.
For anyone else, just tell them he deserves to find someone who really wants to be with him. It wouldn’t have been right to waste his time and pretend to feel what you didn’t.
Or, tell them he was manipulating and mean. Cause that is also true.
This is why feminism is so great! We don’t live in a world where you have to subordinate yourself to him and protect his feelings at the expense of your own well-being. Your feelings matter too, and frankly he sounds too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship right now anyway.
>I leave him he’ll have nothing and no one.
Add emotional blackmailing to the list.
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Run as fast as you can. You’re not breaking his heart, but he’ll break yours.
You’re 18, you need to learn that you can’t stay with someone if you don’t want to. In the end it’s better for everyone. Ignore his emotional blackmail and pity party.
You better break him ending this thing than hiding things you want to do single.
Yeah you will feel bad for a bit. Then, you will be free of this absolute drag on your life. Stop making decisions based on your fear of how you will look. This is your life we’re talking about and if it’s this manipulative and nasty after a few months of dating imagine what he thinks he’ll be able to get away with when you’re married and live together! Lol
So here’s the thing. YES. You’re not happy in this relationship and him being in a tough situation in life isn’t a reason for you to stay.
The thing that is going to happen when you break up with him is that he is going to lie about it to make you look like a horrible person for dumping him. Even though you’re not. That way he doesn’t have to do any personal reflection or personal growth. He will make himself a martyr.
That’s what a narcissist and abusive person does when they get dumped. They go on a smear campaign against you so they can try to keep the control they thought they had over you.
You don’t respond to any of it. Don’t talk to him at all, cut contact. If you don’t, he’s likely to say whatever he thinks you need to hear to get you back, so he can keep abusing you, and keep the control.
He doesn’t have control of his own life, but he feels like he can control you by his abusive behaviour.
He’s 18 and in grade 9??? Anyone who thinks you’re an asshole for breaking up with him isn’t worth your time.
He’s abusing you in two ways. The first is direct, with jealous, controlling behaviour. The second is mind games, the gaslighting and emotional blackmail. Make a clean break, and if it’s safe, tell him it’s because you don’t deserve this kind of treatment.
Life is like the mask on an airplane, you must secure your own mask first before securing the mask of others. Two drowning people are no good to anyone, especially themselves.
You should leave him for one reason you shouldn’t deal with your life being stressful or miserable for him just cuz he’s going threw things that’s no excuse for how he treats you
>I’ll look like a horrible person.
who cares… its not a real thing