My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have been going through a rough patch. We have started counseling and I thought things were getting better until last night she dropped on me that she thinks I’m gay. She doesn’t have any real reason that she’ll say as to why she thinks this. I’m not out with other men or chatting online with people. I personally think she wants it as an excuse for if the marriage ends she can blame that and wash her hands clean both to herself and publicly. I’m having some health problems recently, thankfully nothing too major, and she thinks it’s due to “the hidden stress of suppressing my true sexuality.”
I’m at a loss. No matter how much I insist I am heterosexual she will not listen.
42 comments
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Have you brought this up to the counselor yet? I don’t think the counselor would let her statement slide without challenging her to explain herself
How’s the sex?
Bluntly, that’s messed up. I’m not sure what else to say……it’s outrageous that your wife is trying to tell you your gay despite the fact that you clearly aren’t.
Sounds like she is gaslighting?
Well, you’re not alone. My wife also “suspects” that I’m gay or bi, though I have zero interest in men. It’s frustrating. I have nothing against being gay; love is love in my book. But to have your partner think you’re one way when you’re not is just… weird. You have my sympathy.
I bet shes gay and it’s her way of getting it out to you without saying she likes the same sex
Some women have toxic views on masculinity and think sweetness or softness means they are gay. Could that be the issue?
That would be an issue she needs to work on through therapy
your wife doesn’t respect you anymore. she is brazenly imparting on you an identity that she fabricated in her own mind so she can feel better about herself. it’s quite cruel. I’m sorry.
Find yourself a hot babe when /if get divorce. She’ll be seething with envy…(I know I’m being petty.)
Maybe she’s projecting ? Possibly, she’s the one who’s gay
Man, straight up, I would say something to her about your theory of it being an out. Call her out on that.
Is it possible she means, “you’re not typically masculine and it’s effecting sex” and she’s too shy to spit it out?
Are you confident? Muscular? Dominant? How *is* the bedroom? Do you ravenously eat pussy and pursue sex?
These might be things she’s craving (or something similarly “manly”) and she feels frustrated and thinks something must be “wrong” with you for not acting this way.
Not excusing. Just being the devil’s advocate.
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You say she doesn’t have a real reason but are you saying that because she didn’t GIVE a reason or because you don’t agree with her reasoning? What did she say?
Are you guys having sex on a regular basis or is it once a quarter? Because if it’s the later because you’re not initiating that’s probably why.
Well. Are you having sex with your wife? You’ve yet to answer this.
Their are so many people seeking someone to love. Not saying you should or are looking for someone else. Just reminding you their are awesome people out their if it dose not work with your wife. Good luck, good health and happiness to you. 🙂
This is most troubling and illogical. I can only imagine how disrespectful this is to you. Honestly, I would be of the stance where if she can’t give you some sort of reason why she thinks this about you, and more importantly, why she thinks that it is OK, then counseling is pointless.
What else is there really to discuss if you can’t come to understanding about this rotten behavior on her part?
You can’t prove a negative. It’s like religious people. They can’t prove that God exists but will ask you to prove to them that it doesn’t. How in the fuck do you prove that something doesn’t exist?
Bring it up in therapy, but I don’t think you should torture yourself much about this or your wife. She’s doing too much.
I had a friend whose spouse said this to them. It was their way of writing off any of their responsibilities for any issues in the marriage. “They just don’t want me because they are gay, not because I’m a horrible partner.”
Uhhh she’s gaslighting you bro
It sounds like she’s confusing gendered stereotypes with sexuality. I’m attracted to non macho heterosexual men. I find the alpha man specifically off putting. I’m so glad there are other varieties of men. I’m sorry she’s putting this on you.
That you dad? Jokes aside, if this is a recurring issue I wouldn’t even bother having a serious discussion with her outside of your counseling sessions. There is nothing more masculine than a man who is happy and comfortable in his own skin.
She wants you to end it. She wants you to be the bad guy. Thats why shes ramping up the disrespect and questioning your manliness and calling you gay. Shes hoping you get fed up and call it. My advice would be to give her what she wants.
My wife accused me of being gay, too. In our case, it was because we had a dead bedroom and I didn’t want to have the kinds/styles of sex that she liked. She didn’t listen to me when I tried to explain it. In her mind, I was refusing sex, and therefore I must be gay.
She later of accused me of being a porn addict (nope) or of having an affair (again, nope). I would try to explain to her that I didn’t want to have her style of sex, and that I also didn’t want to have sex with someone who was so unkind to me.
Anyway, I’m still not gay, but we are divorced now.
It’s pretty off-putting to be accused of being gay by someone who is supposed to know you better than anyone. I’m not offended at the idea of someone considering me gay, but I’m very offended at the idea of MY WIFE thinking that.
Sorry man, I hope things turn out ok for you.
Where did that come from after 6 years of marriage? What are the reasons she thinks you are gay? Feels random.
> I personally think she wants it as an excuse for if the marriage ends she can blame that and wash her hands clean both to herself and publicly.
I think you’re right
I would guess that she feels you aren’t attracted to her sexually. She’s probably feeling neglected and unwanted and she’s lashing out. It’s a lot easier to tell yourself that your partner just isn’t interested in your entire sex, than to face the fact that they aren’t attracted to *you* personally. By telling you she thinks your gay, she’s likely hoping you’ll *prove to her* that you aren’t, by giving her the sexual attention that she’s after.
Bring it up in your next therapy session. I’m sure it’ll be enlightening.
Are you having sex with her? This sounds like a woman who feels rejected to me.
When is the last time you have had sex?
When is the last time you touched her in a way that showed DESIRE for her? (I do not mean groping. I mean a caress or gestures)
Your WORDS don’t work here anymore.
You need to show your wife that you desire her in the way that a man would desire a woman.
If you are not doing those gestures then she is going to think your lack of interest in your willing and available wife means you are gay.
If she was not a confident woman then she might think it is somehow her fault and a failing on her part that she is not able to make herself attractive enough to be desired.
Your wife knows she is atteactive. Other people likely flirt with her.
The fact that you defended yourself with words RATHER THAN SHOWING HER THAT YOU DESIRED HER kind of put the nail into the coffin.
The sad part is that at some point she probably thought she was not desirable to gain your attention.
Simple gestures like a caress on a cheek. A hand lingering on a hip. Show desire.
SHE JUST TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU KEEP ONLY USING YOUR WORDS TO SHOW HER DESIRE SHE IS LEAVING YOU SOON.
Are you having sex with her?
You’ve no choice but to go bang a load of women! /s
There was a post just yesterday where the wife asked “is my husband gay.” How odd.
Total projection. Flip it on her and see what comes of it.
You really should have put this in the post. From one of your other posts on this thread:
> Yes, sorry I meant she doesn’t really give one besides “I’m not masculine,” but she won’t elaborate on that much. She’s said that my body isn’t masculine (I’m skinny), I’m overly emotional (yet one of the issues for counseling is I’m not emotional), no concrete examples only generalizations that I feel are offense to me and the gay community.
They are pretty offensive, she’s basically saying that you don’t match her toxic viewpoint of what makes a “real man”, and therefore you must be gay.
I’d also point out that it’s pretty obvious she isn’t attracted to you and doesn’t really respect you. I’d want out of this relationship.
Have sex with another woman that will show her! Obviously I am just kidding but the lack of sex drive might be making her insecure and fearful your not attracted to her anymore.
Please don’t undermine your counseling with reddit opinions. At least your wife came out with a hidden perception of you in counseling.
Laser focus on what the counselor thinks and recommends.
The opinions here are guesses at best. We have little to no background and a good counselor will do wonders vs taking speculation from internet strangers.
I haven’t read many of the responses here, but I’m going to share my experience from the other side of the fence hoping it can help in some way. I preface this with I don’t know you and am not saying your situation is the same as mine was. Many moons ago I was in a relationship (19F/23M) and truly felt he was closeted and in denial. The man I was with cooked and cleaned better than I, cared way more about how he dressed and styled his hair than I did for myself. Then when I got my own place, he was less interested in being intimate, which I though was due to my roommate, so we moved in together and our intimacy dropped even more. I tried talking to him to no resolve. The true “cherry(ies) on top” of my conclusion was the only times he would finish with me was if we were in doggy position or if there was a chance we would get caught, he had no problem when he was alone in the shower. He never reciprocated oral, even when I showered and shaved just for him. This damaged my self esteem for years. I was not kind as a result of my unhappiness and often when speaking to others referred to him as my wife. My coworkers whom had never met him thought I was a lesbian, because I never called him by name around them, he was always referred to as my wife. Later in life during therapy I concluded he was either gay or just not into me even though he seemed heartbroken when I ended it.
She has destroyed your self-esteem brother. Leave asap and get your agency back. I’ve been there. I didn’t realize it until afterward but I was drowning. Leaving gave me air that I didn’t know I needed.
I’m sorry your wife is not respecting your identity. That’s messed up at a deep level.
I suspected my ex bf was gay and he wasn’t. Until he was.