My fiancé (27M) and I (26F) got engaged last week. We are very happy and excited, but not in a rush to start jumping into planning, especially since it’s only been a few days since the engagement. But we have started thinking about a few things, such as a guest list and a general radius for potential venues.
My mom has known about the engagement for months, since my fiancé asked them for their blessing a few months ago, and (in her own words) has planned the entire wedding already. She has even worked out the menu. She has asked my opinion here and there, but it’s not an understatement to say that she’s run away with ideas and has been nonstop talking about it to everyone she knows.
Yesterday I sent her a list of all our family members and asked who I should cut, since there’s way too many people that I honestly don’t care about, don’t like or barely know. We want to keep the guest list to 60-80 people, and we have more than 100 people on there at the moment. She responded with an even longer list of family members that I forgot about, including plus ones. I thought she was joking so I let it slide.
Later on the day she called me and started asking a bunch of questions. Firstly, she told me that I can’t not invite some family members, since her mom will never forgive her and there will be family drama, and actually wedding venues are not that much more expensive for a few more people, etc. At this point I was a bit annoyed, since she’s putting family drama onto my shoulders and making it my responsibility to keep peace. Then she started insisting that we pick a date, that it’s super important and we should do it soon, and that I need to start thinking about venues. I made the mistake of telling her that I asked my best friend (who just got married) to keep an eye out for potential venues and to send me the lists she has. Big mistake lol. My mom got mad and passive aggressive, saying that she also wants to be included in these things, and that she’ll just stop talking to me about wedding stuff then and that I should just send her the invite if my best friend is doing everything. I was shocked because this was very out of character for her and she’s usually very chilled. We ended the call and my dad messaged me later saying she’s been crying the whole time, that I should involve her in these things because otherwise she’ll be heartbroken and that my wedding is all she’s been talking about for months.
But like???? We just got engaged. We haven’t even started making plans properly. I don’t have a list of venues yet, I don’t have anything to involve her in. I’m upset because she’s already causing drama and it’s been a fucking week since we got engaged. I was excited to plan the wedding and to involve her, but now I feel really pissed that she’s stressed me out and threw a tantrum like a child because she didn’t get her way. If this is what I can expect from her, then I’m really nervous about the future plans.
I love my mom and I’m glad she’s excited, but she’s immediately proven that I need to set boundaries with this whole thing. How do I go about handling this situation in a way that won’t make it worse?
6 comments
You need to shut the entitlement down. I would take the following approach.
-No wedding planning with mom until after the major vendors are booked. Venue, photo/video, DJ/band, catering. If she asks about these things, tell her that you and your fiancé and handling them yourself. Do not even slightly entertain a reaction.
-Make your own decisions about the guest list. Don’t communicate them to your parents. They simply don’t need to know at this point.
-Loop mom back in when it’s time to find a dress. This is her chance to redeem herself and reel in the crazy. If she starts back up with the entitlement, put her back on the info diet.
-If mom is behaving, try to include her on smaller decisions. “We already have the color palette, but I don’t know if we should feature gardenias or roses in the centerpieces, what do you think?”. Try to find opportunities that are low stakes. It’s like asking a child what they want to eat—give them too many options and they’ll just lose their head.
You’re a 26 year old adult. Despite this, your mom still sees you as her little baby, which is natural to a certain degree. It’s up to you to shut this shit down and consistently make it clear that you have boundaries when it comes to her involvement and your adult relationship. You can’t entertain her entitlement, or it will only grow. Best of luck.
You have to risk hurting people’s feelings when telling them no because unfortunately alot of people are brats.
You get ahead of it – hey mom thanks so much for helping but it’s a lot to plan so we’re trying to take our time and I look forward to having your thoughts and take on different options as I have them, but all of your preplanning is making it more stressful for me and I really don’t want that.
Elope.
You could just explain to her (you can choose how gently or harshly to say it) how she’s overwhelming you and it’s making you not enjoy your engagement already. That you will ask for her ideas if you want them. That she will not be included in major decisions. That she can plan her own party if she has so many ideas. You are under no obligation to include her, it’s your wedding. Find a way to get her to calm down and back off and you might reach a happy medium. If she can’t cope with being excluded, then you’ll be doing things like using passwords with vendors so she can’t interfere. Good luck 🙂
Who is paying because if it Mom then she has some say if not you need to have a stern chat with her.