Hi my 27f husband 26m is unemployed while I work a part time job that pays me enough for just bills. Lately he has had money come in and has used it to buy marijuana which is legal in our state and gas for our shared vehicle but lied about having it. when I discovered the money he then said his father gave him it and just forgot about telling me about it we share a bank account and up until recently I thought we had an agreement on being open and honest about our finances, His decision. Turns out his father has not given him any money and nobody that he would barrow from has lent him money he had also said his brother had bought him the marijuana and I found out that was also a lie. He’s the youngest in his family so he’s spoiled and in the past that has been the case so I had no reason to not believe him until I found the receipt from the dispensary where it said he bought it and paid cash for it and when his Parents told me they didn’t let him barrow any money after I asked how much i need to pay them back. His parents and I communicate openly. I’ve asked him about these to two occurrences and told him what I found out and he insists on the same story. I’ve also found out he’s been lying other things as well. I’m a huge on honesty and being transparent in a relationship and he knows that what upsets me isn’t the actions but the lying about said actions which he’s known from the start of our relationship.
So my question is, how do I deal with this situation?
9 comments
You tell him “I need to know, honestly and right now, no fucking around, where you got this money”.
You’ll have to decide where you go from there, good luck.
Check your credit report. It’s possible to open credit cards in both your names and he would need to use your since he’s unemployed. Although it’s possible some card companies wouldn’t care if he was unemployed.
If he had a fully paid off car in his name he could have used it as collateral for a loan.
Either those or he sold something he wasn’t supposed to. Something he knew you would be upset about.
If he’s disappearing through out the day and coming home at odd hours he may be selling drugs.
After you do the credit report thing to check for anything opened in your name, just confront him about his lies.
I don’t think you know your husband. You should definitely seek a divorce option. The situation is code red scary.
You married a stranger.
We all do, in a way. You can only know another person so well, at the end of the day they are a separate entity.
But it’s scary when we’re confronted with what we don’t know of the other person. It’s scary when we find out that the limits of our knowledge is too close, just beneath the surface. It feels somehow intrusive, like the border between you becomes a third person in the room, it’s you, and him, and this huge lie that you both know is a lie.
You want a simple thing that he can easily give you. Not having it makes you feel unsafe and unmoored, money has to come from somewhere, so where did this money come from? You don’t get to know, so you’re dealing with both the fear of whether he’s done something illegal or immoral to get this money and the feeling of astonishment that you’ve married a person who will look you in the face and lie to you. I would expect him to do it again.
You have to decide what to do next with that in mind.
This is a red flag 🚩 This is a major red flag 🚩
He probably feels sad an insecure right now. The weed is probably helpful to him, it rarely does intense harm.
Do you reliably practice non-judgmental reactions in general? He may feel inferior in your eyes because he doesn’t have as much money as you, and certainly can ask you to buy a medication you disapprove of
What do you about his general lifestyle and behaviors do you disagree with right now? M
Do you want to stay with a liar?
Just stop and figure out what you want to do with your lying, unemployed husband.
You secure your accounts and cards and leave, that’s how you deal with it.
Honestly, the issue isn’t him getting money. It’s him *lying* about it repeatedly.
He could be donating blood or semen or selling drugs, himself or stolen items and tbh, all are equally as unlikely and likely as the last.
It doesn’t matter how, it matters why he is lying.
“Tell me the truth, right now, provable truth or I am out the door”.
What he is doing could be harmful to you.