We’ve been dating almost 2 yrs, getting married in a few months and have a pretty great relationship. He’s 6’7 260ish lbs (has been up to 270), and I’m 5’2 98 lbs (have been injured too). I’m big into women’s rights and safe spaces (have done prison advocacy for single-sex spaces for women etc.). None of that is esp. relevant except that when I explain to him that men are categorically much stronger than women (on average), he seems super defensive. I’ll then say something like, “well, sure there are some very strong women, but you can’t possibly say a small woman like me would have a chance against just about any man?” And he’ll go, “you’re not that small…”
It seems super dismissive. I’m not trying to come off as weak, and I do try to work out/be as strong as I can, but I looked online where I live and I’m in about the 1 percentile for my age/height/weight, and I suspect it would be EXCEPTIONALLY rare for a man to weigh less than me and be weaker. It irritates me esp. that he says this as someone SO MUCH larger than me. Even during rough play, I’ve had to tell him to be careful (not to hold my wrists too hard for example). It seems like it’s a turn off to him or something to admit he could easily hurt me, and it’s not that I like it either, but it’s a fact.
How do I discuss this? I know “small” is subjective, but when I’m in the 1 percentile, and he’s much huger, why is he so obstinate? I’ve looked at most of his exes and they didn’t seem extra small either, so IDK where he gets it from that I’m not compared to other women (and def. men).
**tl;dr it’s a small pt. but my fiance who is 2.5x my size refuses to concede I’m “small” at 5’2 98 lbs when we discuss male/female size and strength. It bothers me he won’t acknowledge my reality but I don’t want to come off as weak, so how do I bring this up calmly?**
19 comments
It’s the lack of empathy for me.
I swear, I’m not even an emotional person, but something about a lack of basic empathetic acknowledgement of things right in front of you pisses me off.
His response is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard.
I would be so turned off by it. I can’t stand people who simply cannot see the world from anyone else’s POV.
Sorry but why is this an issue? Sounds like you’re making something out of nothing.
I mean you’re dating an oaf lol
What do you expect
He sounds like someone who would also dismiss gender, race discrimination
“Everyone gets the same shot, some people choose not to” tier human
“We’ve talked a couple of times about how women are on average weaker than men. Both times you’ve kind of denied it and got weirdly defensive. What’s up with that? “
This has little to do with size. As a 6’7 260 guy, he knows physical differences with other males like 5’6 170. He doesn’t buy the idea that women deserve other considerations/ special treatment. My bet is he’s not the best ally on women’s rights.
…. in what world is 5’2″ not a small person? I can’t tell if that’s projection or idiocy.
Why does he think we segregate sports by gender, and Cons keep blowing up about how unfair it is that trans men are participating? Gender usually correlates to differences in strength and aggression.
Show him a study on the effects of testosterone.
Bruh he called you fat
When a 6’7″ man wants to date a 5’2″ woman my first thought is he wants to dominate her and physically can very easily. Your bf knows you are small and he shouldn’t have to be reminded to go easy on you so as not to hurt you — unless that is his intent.
I suggest you talk to him about why he is denying the obvious.
He sounds like he’s in denial. I think just every time he does something that hurts, remind him. If he lifted you up, or picked you up and carried you, would that turn on a light of realization? I was 5′ 2″ and 95 lbs. when I married my husband 5′ 7″ maybe, 150 lbs. He once broke 3 of my ribs. I had a virus and had a coughing fit. He thought I was chocking and tried what he thought was the Heimlich maneuver. Ouch. He called me “my little sweetheart.” Even at his size, I don’t think he knew his own strength compared to my fragility.
Im 5’1″ & 140lbs & even if I was taller, stronger, most ppl know that men generally can over power women. Have u tried showing research?
In his defence, at his age, being born in the early 90s, hes grown up with a lot of messaging that women are just as strong as men. I know people will say ‘its not meant to mean physically’, but some people do believe/promote this literally, and its not like men were/are encouraged to explore/challenge the idea.
Even if he doesn’t 100% believe that, you’re now telling him that women are not in fact anywhere near as strong as men, and maybe its causing a bit of confusion that a woman is telling him women aren’t as strong as men.
Or maybe hes just being a jerk.
Duuuuuuude. I know gaslighting gets thrown around a lot these days but he’s making you doubt your own reality to the point you’re on Reddit looking for advice.
Look for other red flags 🚩
He sounds very frustratingly lacking in basic empathy and that’s never a good sign for a relationship.
I don’t think any advice you get here will give you what you’re looking for.
Based on your post/comment history, I suspect the real argument between you two is about whether or not he shares your TERF beliefs about trans people.
What is prison advocacy for single sex spaces? Prisons are already separated, I don’t get this
I don’t get the rationale about the whole argument, it seems to come out of nowhere. If you’re in a healthy relationship, the only thing that comes to mind is actually the opposite of what people are saying in the comments; that is, he’s saying “you’re not that small” so as to not belittle you or make you feel bad about your height. It’s a natural response to protect your partner’s feelings in case you have insecurities regarding how short you are. Depending on the way he’s expressing it, I can see it sounding condescending, but I don’t think that’s the case.
I’m a big dude, I know where he is coming from. When you are the scariest thing in the room, it’s hard to understand how things less scary than you might be uncomfortable.
Most men would be able to over power you at 98 lbs. That is a fact. He can’t relate to that as a big dude because very few humans could over power him. Strong for 98 pounds just cannot compare to 150 pounds.
To put that into perspective, you vs a 150 pound male would be like him facing down a 7’4 guy that is a 350 lb wall of solid muscle.
With that in mind, you can approach from a conversation of like this.
“I may not seem small to you, but reality is different. I have certain concerns that I need you to understand. A relatively average man size and weight compared to me is like that same average size man compared to you. He is not a threat at all to you, but you are a massive threat to him based on size alone. That is what I’m getting at when I say I’m small.”
Some men don’t realise how much stronger they are. I mean I didn’t either until I boxed with men that were the same weight as me, I knew men where stronger but had put a lot of it down to the size difference. Being weight matched really brings the extra difference home.
Some men deny the difference out of a misplaced application of feminism. Some just don’t realise. Others may say you’re not that small in a kind of toxic positivity way. I think you need to get to the bottom of where it’s coming from from your fiancé in order to understand.
Anyway I understand how it can be annoying and a denial of your reality is especially frustrating.
Congratulations you’re facing the win that society provided. For the past 40 years we have been told, and then shown obviously and realistically through television and movies that women are just as strong as men they can do everything a man can do. He should know better, but there’s an excellent chance that he’s never actually had to throw down against a woman, because society has also taught us to not fight back when a woman gets physical with us.
Take him to the gym. Demonstrate just how much stronger he is that might get through to him.
I’m 6’7” and 300 pounds and I’m very aware of my wife’s size she’s 5’7” but if your boyfriend can’t see this I’d be worried about him and would very seriously reconsider the relationship